Survival Guide: Pooping at work
06 February 2006, 02:52 PM
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Survival Guide: Pooping at work
"HOW TO POOP AT WORK"
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping
at work, following is the "Survival Guide" for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an Escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or
magazine under his or her arm. Always! look around the office for the Out
Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a tall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a
subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A Watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on!, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This
person
could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the "Survival Guide" helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of
life.
Sorry if SIAL
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who
hate pooping
at work, following is the "Survival Guide" for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an Escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be
avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or
magazine under his or her arm. Always! look around the office for the Out
Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes
off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that
can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are
in a tall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a
subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are
occupying a stall. This will eliminate all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire,leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:
A Watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon coming on!, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an
Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This
person
could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the "Survival Guide" helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of
life.
Sorry if SIAL
06 February 2006, 03:08 PM
#4
[QUOTCROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
E][/QUOTE]
I've always found an alternative to this is to blame someone else very quickly.
They are often so shocked and embarassed that they can't properly deny the guff.
Alcazar
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
E][/QUOTE]
I've always found an alternative to this is to blame someone else very quickly.
They are often so shocked and embarassed that they can't properly deny the guff.
Alcazar
06 February 2006, 03:18 PM
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'Turd Burglar' definitely has different connotations over this side of the pond, that said, I've heard turd burglars can be found 'socialising' in toilets
06 February 2006, 03:59 PM
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Personally, if I need to poop at work, I try to wait until I'm on overtime. It gives me a feeling of smug satisfaction knowing the company is paying me double time to take a dump.
...and don't forget there are many types of poo available, here's a few of them.
GHOST POO:
You know you've poo'd. There's poo on the paper but not in the toilet. Where is it?
TEFLON POO:
So slick you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the paper. You have to look in the pan to make sure you did it.
GOO POO:
This one has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in you're underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the toilet.
SECOND THOUGHTS POO:
you're all done wiping and are about to stand up when you realise … there's more to come.
POP A VEIN IN YOUR HEAD POO:
this is the kind of poo that killed elvis. It doesn't want to come out till you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
RIGHT NOW POO:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting there but it usually gets its head out before you get your pants down.
KING KONG POO:
This one is so big, it won't flush unless you break it into smaller
chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually
happens at someone else's house.
CORK POO:
Also known as "floaters". Even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My god, how do i get rid of it!
WEIGHT WATCHERS POO:
You poo so much that you lose several pounds.
WISH POO:
You sit there all cramped up, you fart a few times but no poo.
WET CHEEKS POO:
This poo hits the pan sideways & makes a bigger splash than
launching the QE2. Cold water up your bum isn't very pleasant,
even if you have warmed it up by peeing in it first.
...and don't forget there are many types of poo available, here's a few of them.
GHOST POO:
You know you've poo'd. There's poo on the paper but not in the toilet. Where is it?
TEFLON POO:
So slick you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the paper. You have to look in the pan to make sure you did it.
GOO POO:
This one has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in you're underwear so you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the toilet.
SECOND THOUGHTS POO:
you're all done wiping and are about to stand up when you realise … there's more to come.
POP A VEIN IN YOUR HEAD POO:
this is the kind of poo that killed elvis. It doesn't want to come out till you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
RIGHT NOW POO:
You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting there but it usually gets its head out before you get your pants down.
KING KONG POO:
This one is so big, it won't flush unless you break it into smaller
chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually
happens at someone else's house.
CORK POO:
Also known as "floaters". Even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My god, how do i get rid of it!
WEIGHT WATCHERS POO:
You poo so much that you lose several pounds.
WISH POO:
You sit there all cramped up, you fart a few times but no poo.
WET CHEEKS POO:
This poo hits the pan sideways & makes a bigger splash than
launching the QE2. Cold water up your bum isn't very pleasant,
even if you have warmed it up by peeing in it first.
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06 February 2006, 04:15 PM
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Ive always found some carefully places pieces of tissue paper can remove lots of splashing emabarasment, followed by the courtesy flush.
Excellent post will print and display in work tonight
Excellent post will print and display in work tonight
06 February 2006, 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by cookstar
Ive always found some carefully places pieces of tissue paper can remove lots of splashing emabarasment, followed by the courtesy flush.
Excellent post will print and display in work tonight
Excellent post will print and display in work tonight
06 February 2006, 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by fast bloke
hateful when you get a teflon ghost. You are sure one came out, but no sign anywhere 
known simply as a "ghost poo" in other areas
didnt read post #6
06 February 2006, 04:56 PM
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When I was seventeen I used to work as a labourer building motorways, and you would have to plan your visits to the toilet very methodically, as if you judged it wrong, you could end up having a portaloo as your only means of relief for fifteen miles.
I started working in telecoms a few years later, and generally the animals that used to spary the portaloos on the roads are nothing compared to the animals that use toilets in offices of telecoms companies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A friend of mine in telecoms had a dump behind a bush on our last round of golf. He also had a dump on a gravel drive way at someones party as the toilet was busy and tried to blame the dog next morning ( a yorkie producing a two pound human turd)
I started working in telecoms a few years later, and generally the animals that used to spary the portaloos on the roads are nothing compared to the animals that use toilets in offices of telecoms companies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A friend of mine in telecoms had a dump behind a bush on our last round of golf. He also had a dump on a gravel drive way at someones party as the toilet was busy and tried to blame the dog next morning ( a yorkie producing a two pound human turd)
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