Estranged father, best way to see daughter...
16 June 2005, 06:25 PM
#1
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Estranged father, best way to see daughter...
I havent seen my four yr old for three months now. I split with my ex (never married) over a yr ago and did have regular access. Then she moves house and changes phone number, I know where she works and the town she lives in.
All i want is to see my little girl, have any of you been in the same situation and what did you do to sort it out. Im hoping I can do all the relevant court forms myself although I am lead to believe my rights are very limited as we weren't married.
What should I do next ?
See a solicitor I guess, but what do you guys recommend is best.
Thanks in advance
J
All i want is to see my little girl, have any of you been in the same situation and what did you do to sort it out. Im hoping I can do all the relevant court forms myself although I am lead to believe my rights are very limited as we weren't married.
What should I do next ?
See a solicitor I guess, but what do you guys recommend is best.
Thanks in advance
J
16 June 2005, 06:59 PM
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J,
Sorry to hear this
I'd have a chat with the CAB and see what they recommend as it won't cost you anything, whereas seeing a solicitor first of all might.
Hope you get it sorted out
Sorry to hear this
I'd have a chat with the CAB and see what they recommend as it won't cost you anything, whereas seeing a solicitor first of all might.
Hope you get it sorted out
16 June 2005, 06:59 PM
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Try the peaceful approach first. As you say, you know where she works so call her and find out how she wants to play it from her new address.
If then she doesn't want to play ball, see the CAB or solictor.
Regardless of whether you were married or not, you're still the kids dad, the previous marital state shouldn't affect things (my opinion btw as I don't know the legal side - men get a raw deal as I see it hence all this fathers for justice stuff).
If then she doesn't want to play ball, see the CAB or solictor.
Regardless of whether you were married or not, you're still the kids dad, the previous marital state shouldn't affect things (my opinion btw as I don't know the legal side - men get a raw deal as I see it hence all this fathers for justice stuff).
16 June 2005, 08:23 PM
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J,
Things going pretty well matey
As said, have a chat with CAB, fingers crossed they'll turn up the goods
Hope all is going well for you, apart from this
Things going pretty well matey
As said, have a chat with CAB, fingers crossed they'll turn up the goods
Hope all is going well for you, apart from this
17 June 2005, 12:45 PM
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Im assuming that you are paying maintenance...? Yhrough the wonderfull CSA.
Simple STOP paying, one of the requirements of the CSA to recieve money is that the natural father is granted access, unless of course you are a danger to the child.
Should be entitled to every other weekend, alternate Xmas/Easter.
I do know what you are feeling...
You must know what school he/she attends,( and assuming the is no court order preventing you from doing so). Meet him/her (but do not take away) from school just to let kid know you still there. You dont know what the mother has said in you absence "daddy doesnt love you anymore" can be quite popular!
Yes you will need court orders, laying down your rights, but this is not as costly as some make out as some of the work can be done by yourself.
Thats all i got to offer here, apart from Good Luck and dont give up
Cookie
Simple STOP paying, one of the requirements of the CSA to recieve money is that the natural father is granted access, unless of course you are a danger to the child.
Should be entitled to every other weekend, alternate Xmas/Easter.
I do know what you are feeling...
You must know what school he/she attends,( and assuming the is no court order preventing you from doing so). Meet him/her (but do not take away) from school just to let kid know you still there. You dont know what the mother has said in you absence "daddy doesnt love you anymore" can be quite popular!
Yes you will need court orders, laying down your rights, but this is not as costly as some make out as some of the work can be done by yourself.
Thats all i got to offer here, apart from Good Luck and dont give up
Cookie
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17 June 2005, 01:07 PM
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You get her to court as soon as possible, thats what you do mate. When my ex wife (aka b!tch from hell) did a runner with my eldest I didn't know where she had gone or who with. It took 10 days to see my son and that was bad enough let alone 3 months. First thing I did was get down the solicitors, get to court and issue an order on family members to declare the whereabouts of said b!tch and to serve an order on her to attend court. Once that happened then the fireworks really kicked off.
Its 5 years ago since all that, and guess what nothing has got any better, its my Birthday Saturday and Fathers day Sunday and as its not my weekend I can't see my eldest, I doubt she will even so much as let me have a phone call with him
I don't envy your position as you have the worst still to come as the nice approach didn't work. However why have you left it 3 months? Like I said 10 days was hell for me, 3 months is a long time to wait before deciding to do something about it.
Its 5 years ago since all that, and guess what nothing has got any better, its my Birthday Saturday and Fathers day Sunday and as its not my weekend I can't see my eldest, I doubt she will even so much as let me have a phone call with him
I don't envy your position as you have the worst still to come as the nice approach didn't work. However why have you left it 3 months? Like I said 10 days was hell for me, 3 months is a long time to wait before deciding to do something about it.
17 June 2005, 01:55 PM
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3 months, thats nothing compared to my Biological Dad (he doenst deserve the title Dad). The last time I saw/spoke to him was 16 years ago!!! My advice is to do all you can so that your child knows you've tried everything you can. Not doing anything in the case of mine has destroyed any chance of a reconciliatiion as far as I'm concerned (the worst possible outcome for all concerned).
17 June 2005, 02:40 PM
#14
Mate - I obviously don't know the ins and outs and reasons as to why the mother is perventing you from seeing your daughter, but knowing quite a few people in this position - including my mother with her parents, I can defintiely see a running theme with absentee parents.
I reckon you should be thinking a bit more long term. Regardless of the reasons, if you are not around for a significant period of time - especially whilst she's young (4 months to a four year old is quite a lot), this will have serious consequences for her development, as well as making you feel pretty sht. Will also make it tougher the longer that time goes by to rebuild the relationship woth your daughter. The last thing you want to have to deal with is having to explain to your 21 year old daughter why you didn't try harder to see her....
You really should go and see a solicitor and if it costs you a few hundred quid for some advice so you know the score, this is surely some of the best money ever spent. I would then write a letter to your ex once you know where you stand (speak with your solicitor about doing this for their advice) convincing her that you don't want to make things official or difficulkt for anybody but that you are aware of your rights and just want access (or do you also want custody?). IMHO if she recieves a letter out of the blue from a solicitor, this will either scare her into going to see one herself, or pss her off and contribute to high levels of unreasonableness. At the end of the day you want to get access and if you can go about this in the most un-threatening way possible this might lead to swifter, cheaper and less traumatic results for all concerned. Play on the fact that you're not in a competition and you don't want to win - you just want to have access and be there for your daughter. If that fails then you obviously have little choce but to wade in with the size 10s. You should definitely act now though whilst you still know how to get into contact.
My final tuppence happeny's worth of advice is in relation to conduct. If things do have to go to court, and you have done anything even slightly underhand/sneaky/deceptive - or TAKE MATTERS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS the court will fck you.
It is better to not see your daughter for another couple of months and take the official route, rather than turn up at her school and cause all manner of sht there. If things went badly the mother might complain to the school and regardless of right or wrong, it will look bad that you are seen to be making trouble and be disruptive to your daughter's life. Go through the letter route and then court proceedings if you get no joy. A 4 year old is not going to understand and appreciate heroic and dramtic efforts to see her, which involve her mum throwing a strop or seeing you being escorted away form the school premises. And worst case scenario, you'll always have the letters to show her in the future.
Best of luck mate.
p.s. in your letter I reckon you should also offer to pay maintenance if you are not already doing so as a court will look favourably on a parent seeking to maintain their responsibility in the absence of selfish, or malicious motives - and don't make it conditional upon receiving access - the more genuinely concerned for your daughter's welfare, and the more reasonable that it appears you are being the more likely you are to get what you want. Obvoulsly keep a copy of all the letters and send them recorded delivery.
I reckon you should be thinking a bit more long term. Regardless of the reasons, if you are not around for a significant period of time - especially whilst she's young (4 months to a four year old is quite a lot), this will have serious consequences for her development, as well as making you feel pretty sht. Will also make it tougher the longer that time goes by to rebuild the relationship woth your daughter. The last thing you want to have to deal with is having to explain to your 21 year old daughter why you didn't try harder to see her....
You really should go and see a solicitor and if it costs you a few hundred quid for some advice so you know the score, this is surely some of the best money ever spent. I would then write a letter to your ex once you know where you stand (speak with your solicitor about doing this for their advice) convincing her that you don't want to make things official or difficulkt for anybody but that you are aware of your rights and just want access (or do you also want custody?). IMHO if she recieves a letter out of the blue from a solicitor, this will either scare her into going to see one herself, or pss her off and contribute to high levels of unreasonableness. At the end of the day you want to get access and if you can go about this in the most un-threatening way possible this might lead to swifter, cheaper and less traumatic results for all concerned. Play on the fact that you're not in a competition and you don't want to win - you just want to have access and be there for your daughter. If that fails then you obviously have little choce but to wade in with the size 10s. You should definitely act now though whilst you still know how to get into contact.
My final tuppence happeny's worth of advice is in relation to conduct. If things do have to go to court, and you have done anything even slightly underhand/sneaky/deceptive - or TAKE MATTERS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS the court will fck you.
It is better to not see your daughter for another couple of months and take the official route, rather than turn up at her school and cause all manner of sht there. If things went badly the mother might complain to the school and regardless of right or wrong, it will look bad that you are seen to be making trouble and be disruptive to your daughter's life. Go through the letter route and then court proceedings if you get no joy. A 4 year old is not going to understand and appreciate heroic and dramtic efforts to see her, which involve her mum throwing a strop or seeing you being escorted away form the school premises. And worst case scenario, you'll always have the letters to show her in the future.
Best of luck mate.
p.s. in your letter I reckon you should also offer to pay maintenance if you are not already doing so as a court will look favourably on a parent seeking to maintain their responsibility in the absence of selfish, or malicious motives - and don't make it conditional upon receiving access - the more genuinely concerned for your daughter's welfare, and the more reasonable that it appears you are being the more likely you are to get what you want. Obvoulsly keep a copy of all the letters and send them recorded delivery.
17 June 2005, 03:03 PM
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Thanks all
just a quick reply for now
3mths as was hoping it would get better and sort itself out as it has done in the past.
Maintenance is being paid, however its a car loan I took out in my name for her car when we were together, this is £300pcm and ceases in Nov05, hard to prove except the cheque that paid for the car came from my account. In Nov 05 I will of course pay direct to her.
Looks like solicitors ! Its been too long already.
J
just a quick reply for now
3mths as was hoping it would get better and sort itself out as it has done in the past.
Maintenance is being paid, however its a car loan I took out in my name for her car when we were together, this is £300pcm and ceases in Nov05, hard to prove except the cheque that paid for the car came from my account. In Nov 05 I will of course pay direct to her.
Looks like solicitors ! Its been too long already.
J
