hedgehog

[Transport...]
In order to combat motorway congestion we will immediately close all motorways to all vehicles with the exception of bicycles to encourage our green policy and fitness. Any bicycles with more than 3 gears will also be banned for safety reasons. Apart from anything else this will allow police to get on with catching burglars. Traffic cops who are not intelligent enough to cope with proper police work will be allowed to wear their uniforms for a transitional period before being re trained as vicars.

Pram lanes will be created in all shopping centres.

All cars will be converted to run on Venos to help stop congestion.

4 wheel drive vehicles will only be allowed to drive off road, therefore stopping mothers picking up their children from school in them when they only live 100 yards down the road. They will also be wrapped in bubble wrap to make them safer.

All trains will be fitted with an automatic braking system that will function as soon as it sees red; this will include people who have been completely enraged by having to stand waiting on a platform for 3 hours.

Rather than to attempt re-opening disused railway lines we will put sound systems every 500 yards along the disused tracks which will play sound effects of old steam trains to keep railway loonies happy. When they choose to walk along the old railways nostalgically, men will be employed to throw buckets of soot over them every so often.

Drivers will be allowed to drive over roundabouts when there's nothing about. This will make driving through Milton Keynes much more fun.

All speed cameras will be abolished and replaced by a new device fitted to your cars which will automatically slow down to the speed limit when driven though an infra-red beam. This will also apply to police cars; their device will be set to 5 mph though built up areas.

Traffic wardens will be re-named Dick Turpin because, let's face it, it's daylight robbery.

Any kerbs that are caught crawling will be arrested and the council will be fined £100.000 pounds.

With the growth of the motorist's nightmare, the HUMPS, town farm cows WILL BE RE-INTRODUCED, as when they are going for milking they will block roads admirably and keep the speeding traffic down.


[alcohol / seat belts...]
We are pleased that the Government has stolen our loony policy of discouraging binge drinking by proposing to open pubs for 24 hours...

Due to the government's policy of opening pubs 24 hours a day, a loony government for public safety will make the wearing of seat belts compulsory in all pubs, and pub tables will be fitted with airbags so you can fall over drunk without damaging your head (this does not offer protection from your wife attacking you with the rolling pin when you get home drunk).


[and watch out Brunstrom...]

Police helmets will be re introduced and made even sillier. The higher a police rank then the higher their hat becomes. At Christmas they will be able to put flashing lights on them and generally decorate them. Once they have achieved the rank of Chief Constable the height of their hats will not allow them to leave their office, which they don't anyway.


It can only be...

http://www.omrlp.com/

David Lock

Well that's more than exists at the moment in Policy terms