A&E

Has anybody else got to the point in their marriage where they feel like they live with their best friend, rather than their lover? If so, what did you do about it if anything, and what happened in the end?

Don't get me wrong, I love my other half to bits, but the world is hardly set on fire any more if you know what I mean. We've been together for 12 years now and I really miss any kind of physical attention/attraction. I do wonder if I'm being unreasonable though, as life is really good in every other way.

I know I'll get flamed now for asking on a BBS when surely, I should be asking my mates in the pub? I don't really want my mates in the pub to know I feel like this though

Apparition

I got to 20 years when this dawned on me. Decided to walk. Didn't know then what the outcome would be, I could've ended up alone and single for the rest of my natural, but I definately did NOT want to stay in that marriage. It sounds like you still have fairly strong feelings for your other half , in my case it had all died a long time before.
I guess what I'm saying is, it's easier if you really can hand on heart say you no longer love that person, although its still a very difficult road to travel. If you still "love" the person, then you're probably in for a bumpy ride. Not a nice place to be, you will no doubt feel like you are being torn in several directions at once. Good Luck , and Relate are good if you want an intermediary.

A&E

Thanks - that is really helpful - you're right, I do have incredibly strong feelings for him - just wonder if it's possible to get the other feelings back too

Daz34

DO you love him like a best friend though or are you in love with him still?

Chip Sengravy

female ?

A&E

I think I'm still in love with him - can't imagine being without him but I just feel like I need a bit more (at the risk of sounding rude lol)

yes, female

beamer

Shark gates opened

Stick in there Angel, maybe a holiday away together to re-kindle?

TopBanana

PM me

A&E

Sharks don't scare me lol (more like scare myself with them)
Holiday's a possibility, but kids have to come too, so that helps (not!)

Chip Sengravy

is it once a month whether you need it or not status?

beamer

Long w/end away and get the kids off to the grandparents then

A&E

yes, although I need it and much more than that!!!

Soulgirl

Are you sure he isn't going to read this? Or are you hoping he will?

Relationships go through many different phases - from downright dirty excitement to run of the mill boredom.

The main problem is that couples stop communicating thus causing a staleness that drives one or both parties to find that excitement again.

It's easy to chug along because financially it's quite an upheaval to go solo not to mention the bugbear of selling property, dividing belongings and if children are concerned, deciding who will keep them. God, that makes them sound like property!

If you are both nonchalant about the relationship but still like each others company then spice up your life a bit. I don't mean sex, I mean communication and collaboration.

If you cannot stand the other partner and they make you roll your eyes day after day then get out. Life is short and precious, do not waste it beating about the bush.

It sounds to me as though you are craving attention from someone who once could not leave you alone but now rarely comes near you. This happens to nearly all relationships if you let it slip that way.

It doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you or sex... it means you have both resigned to making any physical contact. Perhaps over the years you said no once to often, or him come to that.

I'm not a believer in the rubbish they spout about making one day a week a sex day etc... that almost makes one appear to be a prostitute and will further damage an already weak relationship. Someone, you or him, has to make strokes out of time. Impromptu actions can take you by surprise and for the most part that can be quite exciting

I guess the stopping of habit and inane day to day routine has to be broached in order to inject some interest into both your lives.

You can't beat 9½ weeks to bring sexual happenings to the forefront you know. It might be old but it's a goodun

Soulgirl

It's not the sex you need... it's that you feel the need to be wanted - and you're not feeling that at all

fatherpierre

A very good post.

Been with my partner for 6 years and yes, I often feel the way you do.

You've got to think of the thing you'd lose if you went elsewhere and by going elsewhere in the long term, would you not be in the same position again a few years down the line.

It's only sex, after all.

paulwrxboro

Is this your wife ? ( THREAD STARTER )

fatherpierre

Na. Not maried. Tried that once and the sex dried up, so I got rid

Soulgirl

fatherpierre... you say it's only sex after all. I beg to differ... it's not the sex at all. It's psychologically geared really. If your partner always wants sex they they must obviously fancy and want you. The sex part proves that to you in that way. So, if a partner showed this in other ways, such as always holding your hand, cuddling or verbally appreciating you, the sex issue would not be so high on the agenda.

Humans are old children. Children need love and attention to be able to function and grown in society. It makes them feel special and appreciated. They are content.

I suspect if you look at the histories of violent/naughty/rude/disrespectful people, they have a history of not being loved or have a very low self esteem triggered by a lack of attention or reciprocal respect.

fatherpierre

So you're saying you get no cuddles, love, etc? I don't quite get what you're missing if it's not the physical?

Soulgirl

Not me... angle-eyes

and physical is not just sex.

Scrappydoo2003

All I'll say is you're a long time dead.. life's too short just to make do... Good luck whatever decision you make..

warrenm2

gotta ask yourself angel - what have YOU really done to improve the situation....?

RB5 Paul

Thats just what i was gonna say,maybe he's feeling exactly the same,try telling him how you are feeling and you might be suprised.

I've been with my wife for 12 years now and now and again we get the same feelings but we talk things through with each other and the weight is lifted off your shoulders.

If he knows your feeling neglected and he loves you then he'll do his best to put things right.And if he doesn't then you do have a serious problem.Just remember it's a 2 way thing though

A&E

Soulgirl you are completely right - you've summed up the problem much better than me! It's not just about sex it's the whole physical contact and feeling wanted thing. I just wonder where we're going and whether I'm going to end up feeling very lonely in an otherwise good relationship. He may read this btw, but probably won't think too hard about it!

Fatherpierre thanks for your post - it's nice to know other people feel the same sometimes and it's not just me! I definitely have too much to lose by looking elsewhere. He's still my best friend.

I have tried to tell him how I feel, and for a while things were better, but they quickly slipped back again - guess I'm going to have to try again (maybe more alcohol this time lol!)

steffiraf

I had a similar problem 5 years ago, when after 5 years of marriage we had become more like brother and sister. We worked different shifts and always slept in seperate bedrooms so as not to disturb the other one when we went to work. We eventually drifted apart because we didnt do anything about our lack of seeing each other and it got to the point of me exploding and leaving. It wasnt his fault and it wasnt mine. I needed attention and when we were together, our son got most of it. Am not saying you should leave but talking about how you feel may put things right again. Otherwise you will be miserable either way if you know you didnt even try. I didnt but thankfully things worked out fine in the end. My son lives with his dad and is very happy with him(and his new sister) and i have a new partner who loves me and gives me all the attention i need.

All i'm saying is..try to work it out and if nothing changes then get out. As difficult as the logistics may seem at the time, things will come right eventually. As someone said before..life is too short

OllyK

Or they are a nymphomaniac

Unless they are a nymphomaniac

Unless...you get the idea by now

Children are human too, unless you are suggesting we change species as we age?

I am sure that is true in some cases, but certainly not in all. Sociopathy is a mental disorder AFAIK and while being in a loving environment may help, I doubt it is as effective as traditional treatments.

Mikey Ace

iTrader: (1)

just a thought, but when was the last time u surprised him or he surprised you?

You have o be thinking of each other, it has to be part of the mind set of marriage....

do you....
a) get home, make a tea sit in front of telly and watch it - often wih him on the sofa, saying not apart from "that was a good episode"
b) go home, bloody big smile, wide open eyes and give him a huge hug, tell him u missed him today, and was thinking about him, and lets go out for the night.....

I know u have kids, so do I (3 in fact) but it is easy to do this if u really want to.

there are many strategies for this sort of thing, you just need to find the one that fits, and it has to be both ways..... do you text him during the day? do you treat him as a lover or as a friend? ..... all sorts of Q's and many possible different solutions.

remember....

1) the problem with putting things of until tomorrow, is that when it eventually comes, it's called TODAY.

I feel that you need to BE "excited" at having this relationship, not just want to GET excited..... I'm not sure if I'm making any sense whatsoever, but feel free to post back or pm and I'll try to explain...


good luck

Mikey

A&E

Thanks Mikey - I see what you're getting at

Ok, I need suggesstions! I know I should know what to do as we've been together so long but a bit of fresh input wouldn't go amiss!

I need some male perspective on this!!

OllyK

Stockings and suspenders, that's it really

BlkKnight

How long have things been "distant"?

Try this

In all seriousness - the dummies books are a good lighthearted tool, with useful techniques on how to help with relationships. It's something you could read or go through togethor.

They've helped me get through some difficulties.

There are other more "serious" books on the subject out there - but this one is non-threatening (to me atleast).

J