T4molie

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's ar$e, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off
smoking any of them.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing
thing in the first place, you fat *******s.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic
explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their
noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to
impress the girls.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff
broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the
side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pi$$ed, lie in
a sand pit in your garden, and **** every bloke who looks at you over
the fence.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
B. Johnson, Canada.

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff
straight down the pan.

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating
only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake ***** to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm
by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pi$$ing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next
*** from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute, etc "tastes exactly like the real thing," they won't know
any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about
yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of "rodeo sex." Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by
the wrong name. See how long you can "stay mounted" for.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the
buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in
is the LEFT f&cking one.

rik1471

SirFozzalot

messiah

Save energy when crossing one way streets by only looking the way that the traffic is coming from.

a few tips later...

Look both ways when crossing a one way street in case a stupid van driver is reversing up the wrong way...

SJ_Skyline

Engage a friend in conversation about fleas and lice. Watch those people around you scratch themselves and edge away from you.

Save time in the morning by going to bed fully clothed.

Save on shoe leather, hop to work.

Chris L

Viz - pure class

sonicsbro

Fill Shredded Wheat with iron filings, they make excellent Brillo Pads.

messiah

Not a top tip but a classic from Letterbocks..

"Why do TV channels always show lots of an actor's films when they die? I hope Clint Eastwood dies soon - I like him..."

LMAO

Gutmann pug

Save money on expensive binoculars by simply standing closer to the object you want to look at

astraboy

I like the small print in the corner box as they usually give up halfway through and go off on one. My favourite was when they had just lost a court case to the Sun about their "Cybermott" idea being nicked.

astraboy.

messiah

"Dear sirs, recently I have been fantasising over Wee Jimmy Krankie - does this mean I am straight, homosexual or a paedophile?"

utter class

Jerome

Save money on address books by getting a telephone directory and crossing out the names of all the people you don't know.

scott8629

Fool your bank manager into thinking you are a time lord by drasticaly varying the dates on your cheques!