Im lost and dont know where to turn
02 August 2004, 01:29 AM
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Im lost and dont know where to turn
Hello to all you snetters !
Im posting this under a sudonim (sp) as I dont really want my real username to come out due to the nature of what im saying.
Let me start by saying that I know this is maybe not the best place to post such a messege but im stuck with nowhere to turn.
The top and bottom of it is that im feeling pretty down at the moment, even had rather black thoughts on it, if you catch my drift.
Im stuck in a situation with a women that I dont want to be in, and have been trapped in it for 4 years now. Im virtually penniless and at my whits end. An example of this is I got paid less than a week ago and I have less than £6 in my pocket to last me the month, cant even afford to pay my bills. She is not a bad person but I truely believe she is not the person for me, but after asking her to leave several times only for her to come back and manipulate me into taking her back im a shadow of my former self. I have taken to drinking a lot more than I used to, an example being a litre of JD in 2 -3 days and thats taking it easy. Every morning I wake up and just know its not what I want. Ive just lost the will to even try and get rid.
It has all gotten so bad that I litteraly told my boss to f*ck off because I just dont care about anything any more, which I dont. She has turned my life into a virtual prison and I no longer do what I like to do anymore. We cant just chill and watch tv, or go for a bike ride as something is always wrong with the idea, unless its hers. An example is she works over the weekend and I go out for the day, she resents the fact I had fun without her.
Then the scoob, i love it to bits and without her a tank of juice would last 2 weeks or so, but with her im doing 300+ miles a week with very little petrol money and we all know scoobs arent cheep. The only input I get from her moniterilly is I get 2 weeks of shopping bought per month and thats it. She has more expendable cash than I, even though I bank over 2K a month because I pay *all* the bills and she has offered to pay some (approx £60 per month, opposed to my ~£700 per month) but I just dont trust her because she would try and claim rights over the house I think. I have tried to start making changes but she still offers no more cash or to reduce what we spend (ie taking sandwiches instead of buying them etc) Another example is the £300 quaterly phone bill which about £5 was mine, i paid it all.
To add to that she is totally trying to pressure me into marrying her, she askes almost every single day, and I fight it as much as I can but she wont take no for an answer. I just dont want it but am to much of a coward to just say "f*ck off out my house"
She is so evil to my mind that she even made me cry on christmas day, in front of my parents. I feel all the fight to get rid of her is gone. She is exceptional at mind games if u catch the drift. She even makes me think im going crazy by saying I said things that I didnt and vice versa.
I know im rambling here, but it makes me feel slightly better and I am looking for a little advice too perhaps, esp from the fairer of the sexes as I just dont know how to deal with her or any other part of the mess that she helped create... Before hand I had a loan for £5,000 and that was more or less it now I am in for perhaps 3 * that amount.
To add to my confusion there is a girl I like (18 months of mail and phone calls) and we have so many things in common and she has invited me over, permantly (north america) , and im seriously considering it... but it could be out the frying pan and into the fire, but I doubt it.
I gave this girl an awful lot, indeed she is into me for a K or two. My parents even bought her a scooter to get around on so she wasnt reliant on me, but the thing has seen about 15 miles in the last 6 months.
Im posting this under a sudonim (sp) as I dont really want my real username to come out due to the nature of what im saying.
Let me start by saying that I know this is maybe not the best place to post such a messege but im stuck with nowhere to turn.
The top and bottom of it is that im feeling pretty down at the moment, even had rather black thoughts on it, if you catch my drift.
Im stuck in a situation with a women that I dont want to be in, and have been trapped in it for 4 years now. Im virtually penniless and at my whits end. An example of this is I got paid less than a week ago and I have less than £6 in my pocket to last me the month, cant even afford to pay my bills. She is not a bad person but I truely believe she is not the person for me, but after asking her to leave several times only for her to come back and manipulate me into taking her back im a shadow of my former self. I have taken to drinking a lot more than I used to, an example being a litre of JD in 2 -3 days and thats taking it easy. Every morning I wake up and just know its not what I want. Ive just lost the will to even try and get rid.
It has all gotten so bad that I litteraly told my boss to f*ck off because I just dont care about anything any more, which I dont. She has turned my life into a virtual prison and I no longer do what I like to do anymore. We cant just chill and watch tv, or go for a bike ride as something is always wrong with the idea, unless its hers. An example is she works over the weekend and I go out for the day, she resents the fact I had fun without her.
Then the scoob, i love it to bits and without her a tank of juice would last 2 weeks or so, but with her im doing 300+ miles a week with very little petrol money and we all know scoobs arent cheep. The only input I get from her moniterilly is I get 2 weeks of shopping bought per month and thats it. She has more expendable cash than I, even though I bank over 2K a month because I pay *all* the bills and she has offered to pay some (approx £60 per month, opposed to my ~£700 per month) but I just dont trust her because she would try and claim rights over the house I think. I have tried to start making changes but she still offers no more cash or to reduce what we spend (ie taking sandwiches instead of buying them etc) Another example is the £300 quaterly phone bill which about £5 was mine, i paid it all.
To add to that she is totally trying to pressure me into marrying her, she askes almost every single day, and I fight it as much as I can but she wont take no for an answer. I just dont want it but am to much of a coward to just say "f*ck off out my house"
She is so evil to my mind that she even made me cry on christmas day, in front of my parents. I feel all the fight to get rid of her is gone. She is exceptional at mind games if u catch the drift. She even makes me think im going crazy by saying I said things that I didnt and vice versa.
I know im rambling here, but it makes me feel slightly better and I am looking for a little advice too perhaps, esp from the fairer of the sexes as I just dont know how to deal with her or any other part of the mess that she helped create... Before hand I had a loan for £5,000 and that was more or less it now I am in for perhaps 3 * that amount.
To add to my confusion there is a girl I like (18 months of mail and phone calls) and we have so many things in common and she has invited me over, permantly (north america) , and im seriously considering it... but it could be out the frying pan and into the fire, but I doubt it.
I gave this girl an awful lot, indeed she is into me for a K or two. My parents even bought her a scooter to get around on so she wasnt reliant on me, but the thing has seen about 15 miles in the last 6 months.
02 August 2004, 01:39 AM
#2
sorry if this comes accross as harsh but...
1. goto the doctors before you do anything tell them whats happening in your life, get them to sign you off.
2. put the house on the market.
3. find yourself a cheap flat out of the way, and dont tell anyone where it is.
4. wait till shes out, and get some mates togeather, get all of her things, everything dont leave a thing, not one little item, pack it, and leave it where she can pick it up. maybe her parents?
5. move into the flat, go back to work, when the house is sold, move to the states.
5. if it does not work, come back and start a fresh.
6. good luck mate, and dont let this get you down. been there done it got the t-shirt.
jamo
1. goto the doctors before you do anything tell them whats happening in your life, get them to sign you off.
2. put the house on the market.
3. find yourself a cheap flat out of the way, and dont tell anyone where it is.
4. wait till shes out, and get some mates togeather, get all of her things, everything dont leave a thing, not one little item, pack it, and leave it where she can pick it up. maybe her parents?
5. move into the flat, go back to work, when the house is sold, move to the states.
5. if it does not work, come back and start a fresh.
6. good luck mate, and dont let this get you down. been there done it got the t-shirt.
jamo
02 August 2004, 02:57 AM
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It's easy for me to say this but get rid of her
You've identifed that this 'relationship' is being the main stressor on your well being and how that she is slowly manipulating you. I bet upon reflection this has actually been over a fairly long period of time that you may not have realised.
Sound's like she has major issues herself, don't know the in's and out's, but she stinks of personality disorder to me
It is possible that you are suffering a mild depressive episode reactive to your situation.
Your GP may prescribe a course of anti-depressants, but these will probably be ineffective as it is a 'social stressor' causing you to feel like this.
Again, you probably drink to 'help' you cope, guessing you have no motivation at present eg can't be arsed to get up and ready, poor appetite, sh*te sleep and can't recall periods that have been happy to you at the moment.
The problem with this is that alcohol will only depress your system even further causing a catch 22 situation.
j4mou is right, get time off from work. Get yourself away from her even move into your parents, at least you will support available.
Tell her its over and don't crack at the blackmail attempts to get you back, she'll move on to her next victim.
Take time back to remember yourself and what you need in life.
You've identifed that this 'relationship' is being the main stressor on your well being and how that she is slowly manipulating you. I bet upon reflection this has actually been over a fairly long period of time that you may not have realised.
Sound's like she has major issues herself, don't know the in's and out's, but she stinks of personality disorder to me
It is possible that you are suffering a mild depressive episode reactive to your situation.
Your GP may prescribe a course of anti-depressants, but these will probably be ineffective as it is a 'social stressor' causing you to feel like this.
Again, you probably drink to 'help' you cope, guessing you have no motivation at present eg can't be arsed to get up and ready, poor appetite, sh*te sleep and can't recall periods that have been happy to you at the moment.
The problem with this is that alcohol will only depress your system even further causing a catch 22 situation.
j4mou is right, get time off from work. Get yourself away from her even move into your parents, at least you will support available.
Tell her its over and don't crack at the blackmail attempts to get you back, she'll move on to her next victim.
Take time back to remember yourself and what you need in life.
02 August 2004, 03:15 AM
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About 13 years ago I was in a very similar situation to yours. I'd almost resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be miserable for the rest of time. Luckily for me, some good friends took me out for a drink and more or less told me I had to leave her because she was so bad for me. This was the catalyst that I needed to pack my things and leave her the next day. The difference between your situation and mine was that it was her house and I was able to just pack my things and go. I didn't feel I could tell her I was leaving before I packed my stuff because she was pretty vindictive and I'm sure my stuff would have been set on fire in the garden. An emotional experience for all involved, but worth going through to reclaim my life.
I would suggest following jamo's very good advice. This girl is obviously not the one for you, so you should leave her. As for the girl in North America, once you've successfully get rid of the current bint, I would suggest going for it. A cooling off period may be wise though.
Above all, I hope you find the courage to do what you know is the right thing to do.
Good luck.
I would suggest following jamo's very good advice. This girl is obviously not the one for you, so you should leave her. As for the girl in North America, once you've successfully get rid of the current bint, I would suggest going for it. A cooling off period may be wise though.
Above all, I hope you find the courage to do what you know is the right thing to do.
Good luck.
02 August 2004, 08:56 AM
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J4mou is about right.
Have you told her that you don't love her, need her, fancy her? Is a hard thing to do but worthwhile.
Only thing that'd worry me doing whay J4mou says, is that if she's so good at manipulation/mind games etc, you'll be getting a huge amount of **** from her. You'll need a new mobile for a start - constant phone calls from her would be a killer.
When you go to the Dr's, ask for counselling. Amazing what talking to someone can do to make you start to think clearer.
Even though it's hard, identify the problems, if it's more than "just" her. Things may seem hopeless but 99.9% they're not, they just seem it. I was in a similar situation, got out of the relationship and never looked back.
It's tough to do but you will never look back once it's done.
Good luck.
Have you told her that you don't love her, need her, fancy her? Is a hard thing to do but worthwhile.
Only thing that'd worry me doing whay J4mou says, is that if she's so good at manipulation/mind games etc, you'll be getting a huge amount of **** from her. You'll need a new mobile for a start - constant phone calls from her would be a killer.
When you go to the Dr's, ask for counselling. Amazing what talking to someone can do to make you start to think clearer.
Even though it's hard, identify the problems, if it's more than "just" her. Things may seem hopeless but 99.9% they're not, they just seem it. I was in a similar situation, got out of the relationship and never looked back.
It's tough to do but you will never look back once it's done.
Good luck.
02 August 2004, 09:08 AM
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nah no kids, thank god. I know you guys make sense, its just I dont think im strong enough to stand up to her. I have told her I dont love her etc but she has the ability to turn everything round, if you follow my drift and things will improve for a month or two and then go downhill again. She has already destroyed another relationship I had, yes I guess you could call it cheating, that I was enjoying but she destroyed that and still wont take the hint.
Im going to ring the doctor today and make an appointment at the docs. As for the house and all, im unsure on that one. I may just rent it out for a year or something because I dont fancy having to start again, although it would clear my debt.....
Im going to ring the doctor today and make an appointment at the docs. As for the house and all, im unsure on that one. I may just rent it out for a year or something because I dont fancy having to start again, although it would clear my debt.....
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02 August 2004, 09:09 AM
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tell her you have been harbouring a secret. tell her you are a homo. (make sure you friends and family are in on it 
)
go on to explain that you have met a wonderful man called Burt and you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
)go on to explain that you have met a wonderful man called Burt and you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
02 August 2004, 09:22 AM
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get j4mos plan into action work out what day your gonna do it and dont forget to get 1 last sh@g the night before 
u never know how long it might be after...lmao
sounds like a sh!tty situation, and Id defo think about flogging the house and starting afresh
least if youve moved your gonna have some pennies in your back pocket and she wont be able to bother u (btw dont forget to change the locks)
u never know how long it might be after...lmao sounds like a sh!tty situation, and Id defo think about flogging the house and starting afresh
least if youve moved your gonna have some pennies in your back pocket and she wont be able to bother u (btw dont forget to change the locks)
02 August 2004, 09:23 AM
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02 August 2004, 09:24 AM
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If you can't do it by yourself, get some mates to help you out. It's all very well asking for help in this 'virtual' world but real mates should be there to back you up, just hope she's not manipulated you to alienate yourself from your friends.
JJones.... 
JJones....
02 August 2004, 09:26 AM
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Ok, female point of view here!!
Firstly, get rid! Easy to say but I found the strength to do just that with my ex husband and it was the hardest thing that I ever did but the best thing!
My ex used to make out i'd done/said things that I hadn't, he used to also tell me at least 3 times a day that I was mental and it would be useless leaving him because i'd never find anyone else cause I'm so ugly and I have a crap personality. He also threatened suicide if I ever left him. I got depressed to the point of wanting to end it all but I couldn't take the cowards way out! In the end I went for secret counselling. I talked through my problems one by one with someone who didn't give advice, just listened. This actually made me realise just what a bad state I was in and what an ars*hole he was.
After about 6 weeks of talking I felt strong and confident that I was worth more and I told him that I didn't love him and I felt it was time to move on. I didn't shed any tears in front of him (even though I wanted to) and when he moved out the relief was unbelieveable. That was 3 and a half years ago and he's still giving me sh*t when we see each other or talk on the phone (we have a child together which is why we have the occasional conversation) but to be honest, it just proves to me what a sad loser he is!
Anyway, enough of my babble!! I would recommend seeing a counsellor, it's so much better than taking anti depressents (been there, done that!!) and then decide just how you are going to deal with her. Don't let anger get the better of you though. Use any anger you have to drive you to make sure she goes once and for all!!
Just a thought. Quick fixes to see how it goes, tell her you have slept with someone else and see if she leaves, put your foot down and tell her that you want 'rent' off her, say £400 per month plus extra for bills and get a contract drawn up so she has to abide by it OR change the locks and then gather together all her stuff, put it outside with a note saying you have had enough and it's over.
If she tries to manipulate you, remember that is all it is!! Manipulation! If she threatens suicide then don't believe her! She won't do it and if she actually did go ahead, then it wouldn't be your fault! She obviously has some serious psychological problems. Don't EVER feel responsible for other peoples actions.
Good luck chap. Mail me if you need a chat
Firstly, get rid! Easy to say but I found the strength to do just that with my ex husband and it was the hardest thing that I ever did but the best thing!
My ex used to make out i'd done/said things that I hadn't, he used to also tell me at least 3 times a day that I was mental and it would be useless leaving him because i'd never find anyone else cause I'm so ugly and I have a crap personality. He also threatened suicide if I ever left him. I got depressed to the point of wanting to end it all but I couldn't take the cowards way out! In the end I went for secret counselling. I talked through my problems one by one with someone who didn't give advice, just listened. This actually made me realise just what a bad state I was in and what an ars*hole he was.
After about 6 weeks of talking I felt strong and confident that I was worth more and I told him that I didn't love him and I felt it was time to move on. I didn't shed any tears in front of him (even though I wanted to) and when he moved out the relief was unbelieveable. That was 3 and a half years ago and he's still giving me sh*t when we see each other or talk on the phone (we have a child together which is why we have the occasional conversation) but to be honest, it just proves to me what a sad loser he is!
Anyway, enough of my babble!! I would recommend seeing a counsellor, it's so much better than taking anti depressents (been there, done that!!) and then decide just how you are going to deal with her. Don't let anger get the better of you though. Use any anger you have to drive you to make sure she goes once and for all!!
Just a thought. Quick fixes to see how it goes, tell her you have slept with someone else and see if she leaves, put your foot down and tell her that you want 'rent' off her, say £400 per month plus extra for bills and get a contract drawn up so she has to abide by it OR change the locks and then gather together all her stuff, put it outside with a note saying you have had enough and it's over.
If she tries to manipulate you, remember that is all it is!! Manipulation! If she threatens suicide then don't believe her! She won't do it and if she actually did go ahead, then it wouldn't be your fault! She obviously has some serious psychological problems. Don't EVER feel responsible for other peoples actions.
Good luck chap. Mail me if you need a chat
02 August 2004, 09:27 AM
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Hi mate
Some really good advice here My brother in law went through the identical scenario two years ago. The girl in question was a master at mind games (she was an investigator for the DSS) My poor bro in law looked like sh1te and didn't know which way to turn. Eventually he came to me and his sister (my missus) for help. he had been living with her for 3 years but been seeing her for 4 years and his whole life revolved around this girl.
Everything he did was wrong in some way or another. The straw which broke was that he lost his job as a trainer through being too droll and none enthusiastic (completely through her constant put downs). He then, without telling her applied for a firemans position and got through the selection test for an interview. She found out and went ape **** with him as the money was poor to start with. He then found a warehouse job which was sh1te but the money was okay. When the offer came through from the fire service, she tore it up and typed a letter of rejection and got him to sign it. **** she even got him to buy her a new engagement ring coz the one he bought for her a while back wasn't as big as her mates.
Anyway, i could go on all day about some of things she used to do to his mind. After visiting us and breaking down on numerous occasions, the advice we gave was identical to that which the lads have put up here. He applied a bit of ascertivness (sp) with her and eventually she shown her true colours. She beat him up in his car when he went to pick her up from the pub after work one day. She attacked him with a 4" stilletto heel, he still has the scars. As the lads said this was the catalyst for him to up and leave. He took with him a 15k debt but said only a few ago that if he had that time over again and with what he knows now, he would of left even if it meant twice that debt.
Remember there is nothing keeping you there apart from her hold on you.
This debt will only increase the longer you stay with her so cut your losses and deal with it now. Having "dark thoughts" are not conjusive with a healthy life so you must change now! I can only imagine the "real" side of your other half will show its real colours if you were to get married.
You must talk, talk, talk and talk some more with close relatives and friends. Your closest mate or parents could not live with themselves if they thought you couldn't approach them. Drop the alchohol, you know thats no good, speak to your GP and explain the pressures and accept councilling. My bro in law did this and it is highly recommended. Drugs from the Doctor aren't the answer but IMO a mild anti-depressant could work short term but only when you have made your mind up to end it all. I guess one of the biggest things you are trying to avoid is the storm that will ensue after you tell her thats it.
My bro in law actually said on reflection it was the best feeling in the world, telling her it was over but you will have to be mentally prepared for the torrent of abuse etc etc.
Keep your chin up mate, i think you are going in the right direction by openly publishing your thoughts, well done
Next step is to get rid of those negative waves and go and confront her. Keep it plain and simple so that there is no confusion over what you have said. You've spent four years living with this, take your time planning how you will get out with the shirt still left on your back and good luck
Some really good advice here
My brother in law went through the identical scenario two years ago. The girl in question was a master at mind games (she was an investigator for the DSS) My poor bro in law looked like sh1te and didn't know which way to turn. Eventually he came to me and his sister (my missus) for help. he had been living with her for 3 years but been seeing her for 4 years and his whole life revolved around this girl.Everything he did was wrong in some way or another. The straw which broke was that he lost his job as a trainer through being too droll and none enthusiastic (completely through her constant put downs). He then, without telling her applied for a firemans position and got through the selection test for an interview. She found out and went ape **** with him as the money was poor to start with. He then found a warehouse job which was sh1te but the money was okay. When the offer came through from the fire service, she tore it up and typed a letter of rejection and got him to sign it. **** she even got him to buy her a new engagement ring coz the one he bought for her a while back wasn't as big as her mates.
Anyway, i could go on all day about some of things she used to do to his mind. After visiting us and breaking down on numerous occasions, the advice we gave was identical to that which the lads have put up here. He applied a bit of ascertivness (sp) with her and eventually she shown her true colours. She beat him up in his car when he went to pick her up from the pub after work one day. She attacked him with a 4" stilletto heel, he still has the scars. As the lads said this was the catalyst for him to up and leave. He took with him a 15k debt but said only a few ago that if he had that time over again and with what he knows now, he would of left even if it meant twice that debt.
Remember there is nothing keeping you there apart from her hold on you.
This debt will only increase the longer you stay with her so cut your losses and deal with it now. Having "dark thoughts" are not conjusive with a healthy life so you must change now! I can only imagine the "real" side of your other half will show its real colours if you were to get married.
You must talk, talk, talk and talk some more with close relatives and friends. Your closest mate or parents could not live with themselves if they thought you couldn't approach them. Drop the alchohol, you know thats no good, speak to your GP and explain the pressures and accept councilling. My bro in law did this and it is highly recommended. Drugs from the Doctor aren't the answer but IMO a mild anti-depressant could work short term but only when you have made your mind up to end it all. I guess one of the biggest things you are trying to avoid is the storm that will ensue after you tell her thats it.
My bro in law actually said on reflection it was the best feeling in the world, telling her it was over but you will have to be mentally prepared for the torrent of abuse etc etc.
Keep your chin up mate, i think you are going in the right direction by openly publishing your thoughts, well done
Next step is to get rid of those negative waves and go and confront her. Keep it plain and simple so that there is no confusion over what you have said. You've spent four years living with this, take your time planning how you will get out with the shirt still left on your back and good luck
02 August 2004, 10:55 AM
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Lot of good advice there for you. Its a difficult situation to be in but there are times when you have to think about yourself and the rest of your life. Its no way to be caught up with someone as possessive as that and who is taking you for a ride. She is being totally unfair towards you, and does not deserve your consideration.
I think you will have to summon up all your strength of character and tell her that continuing your life together is a mistake, that you no longer want to share your life with her, and that you want to settle it all up and part. You will have to be very positive about it and resist what she has to say. I suppose you could keep thinking about a better life for yourself and also the other girl perhap's to strengthen your resolve.
Good luck anyway.
Les
I think you will have to summon up all your strength of character and tell her that continuing your life together is a mistake, that you no longer want to share your life with her, and that you want to settle it all up and part. You will have to be very positive about it and resist what she has to say. I suppose you could keep thinking about a better life for yourself and also the other girl perhap's to strengthen your resolve.
Good luck anyway.
Les
02 August 2004, 11:34 AM
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I don't normally reply to these type of posts but I think I can help here.
I was in EXACTLY the same position as you 3.5 years ago. This is like reading a page in my old diary (if I had kept one!).
Facts.
You feel sh1te and you need something to change.
It will not be easy.
I can guaruntee that better times are ahead.
You will look back at this in a few years and realise how lucky you were by making a move when you really needed to.
I'm not going to harp on about what I went through blah blah blah, but at the time, I felt exactly the same. 3.5 years on and I have since married (someone who actually respects me for who I am and treats me the way that I treat her) and happy to say we are expecting our first child together on 7th October.
Things can seem really bad at the time but the best thing I ever did in my whole life was GET OUT OF THERE.
A bit of advice aswell. Same as you, the house was in my name etc. The ex visited a solicitor in an attempt to get half of everything (she had paid for nothing).
Everyone I know (except my Dad and best mate) said "go to court, after what she has done to you she should get nothing"
In the end I just give her what she wanted - worth every bloody penny to get rid. If I'd have gone to court, I would have never met my current wife and things would have never turned out the way they have for me now.
When things get this bad, the only person that matters is you. If your gonna pi55 someone off - TOUGH. If you gonna upset someone - TOUGH.
Do everything you can to acheive a clean break - a distinct break. Don't go back on it for another try.
The first 2 months are really heart breaking but soon you start waking up with more and more happiness each day.
Quote from one of my favourite films (which was on last week).
"The world meets no-one halfway".
Do it for yourself. Get the hell out of there. Sort your life out.
DO IT.
I was in EXACTLY the same position as you 3.5 years ago. This is like reading a page in my old diary (if I had kept one!).
Facts.
You feel sh1te and you need something to change.
It will not be easy.
I can guaruntee that better times are ahead.
You will look back at this in a few years and realise how lucky you were by making a move when you really needed to.
I'm not going to harp on about what I went through blah blah blah, but at the time, I felt exactly the same. 3.5 years on and I have since married (someone who actually respects me for who I am and treats me the way that I treat her) and happy to say we are expecting our first child together on 7th October.
Things can seem really bad at the time but the best thing I ever did in my whole life was GET OUT OF THERE.
A bit of advice aswell. Same as you, the house was in my name etc. The ex visited a solicitor in an attempt to get half of everything (she had paid for nothing).
Everyone I know (except my Dad and best mate) said "go to court, after what she has done to you she should get nothing"
In the end I just give her what she wanted - worth every bloody penny to get rid. If I'd have gone to court, I would have never met my current wife and things would have never turned out the way they have for me now.
When things get this bad, the only person that matters is you. If your gonna pi55 someone off - TOUGH. If you gonna upset someone - TOUGH.
Do everything you can to acheive a clean break - a distinct break. Don't go back on it for another try.
The first 2 months are really heart breaking but soon you start waking up with more and more happiness each day.
Quote from one of my favourite films (which was on last week).
"The world meets no-one halfway".
Do it for yourself. Get the hell out of there. Sort your life out.
DO IT.
02 August 2004, 12:22 PM
#17
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Why don`t you stay at your parents house for a weekend and get a solicitors letter (or whatever you need) to get her out of your home. Go and see a solicitor and sort it legally as she sounds like she is going to be a b1tch about it....if you are worried about her emptying the home then take the things you REALLY want/need before this injunction thing arrives.
This is what happened to my hubby (before I met him of course)....they had a child though, they still can`t stand the sight the each other and she is always gunning for a fight.....she is best out of your hair as it sounds to me as she is too dominating for YOU....if and when you do separate, and you do end up missing her, (can`t understand why, by the way you are talking) then fate will bring you back together again.
BUT.....from what I have read she is causing you the most grief, and in other areas of your life if something gives you grief you walk away from it.....don`t you?
Explain to your boss what is going on and tell him you are finding it hard, he may be sympathetic he may not but he can`t help you if he is unaware of the situation.....
Whatever you do....do not give up your job, well, just yet anyway...sort the MAIN problem out first and then build on the rest.........
(I know, I know....should have been an agony aunt)
Joan.
This is what happened to my hubby (before I met him of course)....they had a child though, they still can`t stand the sight the each other and she is always gunning for a fight.....she is best out of your hair as it sounds to me as she is too dominating for YOU....if and when you do separate, and you do end up missing her, (can`t understand why, by the way you are talking) then fate will bring you back together again.
BUT.....from what I have read she is causing you the most grief, and in other areas of your life if something gives you grief you walk away from it.....don`t you?
Explain to your boss what is going on and tell him you are finding it hard, he may be sympathetic he may not but he can`t help you if he is unaware of the situation.....
Whatever you do....do not give up your job, well, just yet anyway...sort the MAIN problem out first and then build on the rest.........
(I know, I know....should have been an agony aunt
)Joan.
02 August 2004, 01:19 PM
#18
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Guys, thanks for all the advice. It is much appreciated. When I posted last night I was at a very low ebb. As for what people have said, it makes a lot of sense. I have drawn up this plan of action.
1. Get to the docs ASAP and get a referal to a councillor (still suffer from depression)
2. Make my exit plans. There are some times when she wont be able to do much about it, so it makes more sense.
3. In the mean time start to sort my credit problems out as best as I can.
4. Im not going to sell the house, just rent it out I think and move in with the parents for a while... going to talk to them tonight. That should have quite a few advantages:
a) force me to get rid of all my junk !
b) Fewer bills hence pay back what I owe sooner.
c) Profit from renting the place out a bit, same positive bit as above.
d) get proper meals at tea time. It will also force me to cut down my drinking because I cant just drink can after can if the parents are around.
Well thats kinda my plan of action anyhow...
1. Get to the docs ASAP and get a referal to a councillor (still suffer from depression)
2. Make my exit plans. There are some times when she wont be able to do much about it, so it makes more sense.
3. In the mean time start to sort my credit problems out as best as I can.
4. Im not going to sell the house, just rent it out I think and move in with the parents for a while... going to talk to them tonight. That should have quite a few advantages:
a) force me to get rid of all my junk !
b) Fewer bills hence pay back what I owe sooner.
c) Profit from renting the place out a bit, same positive bit as above.
d) get proper meals at tea time. It will also force me to cut down my drinking because I cant just drink can after can if the parents are around.
Well thats kinda my plan of action anyhow...
02 August 2004, 01:31 PM
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Good man
Sounds like you've stopped chasing your tail and now preparing for what *YOU* want out of life.
Remember its all about you now, so dont analyse anything, just do what your heart knows is right
Good luck mate, it will all be a bad dream in a few months
Sounds like you've stopped chasing your tail and now preparing for what *YOU* want out of life.
Remember its all about you now, so dont analyse anything, just do what your heart knows is right
Good luck mate, it will all be a bad dream in a few months
02 August 2004, 01:46 PM
#21
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Well done...glad we have brightened you up a bit......it`s at times like this you know who your friends are and 'SCOOBYNETTERS' are always here with some decent advice.... (whether you want it or not)
Keep us posted as to how things are going???????
(whether you want it or not)Keep us posted as to how things are going???????
02 August 2004, 02:11 PM
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Hard as it will be, it's time to go.
Echo what others have said. See a Doc, asap. DON'T do anything 'silly'
Credit problems, if you have an existing loan and credit card debt, try and get a consolidation loan, it's exactly what I did, and it's better than it was, not perfect, but a lot better.
Echo what others have said. See a Doc, asap. DON'T do anything 'silly'
Credit problems, if you have an existing loan and credit card debt, try and get a consolidation loan, it's exactly what I did, and it's better than it was, not perfect, but a lot better.
02 August 2004, 02:53 PM
#25
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sounds like a solid plan mate stick to it and in a couple of months you'll fee like a whole new person living it up good luck for the future
stick to it and in a couple of months you'll fee like a whole new person living it up good luck for the future
02 August 2004, 04:41 PM
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Ok you say the house is yours. How long had you been living in the house before she moved in ?. are all the bills in your name ?. can she prove she made a contribution towards any of thoose bills, without a rent contract ?.
Go and see a solicitior this person has done enough damage to you emotionally withhout letting her damage you financially as well (well any further).
good luck, if I was in your situaution there is no way I would let her come after me wanting compenastion from the house value ect.
p.s this is what I would do, have a day off work when she will not be there, get a locksmith round to change the locks, change your numbers, pack all her stuff up, leaving nothing even debatable items including presents from her, pack them up and deliver them to her mums, or the front lawn, give the scooter back to your parents. go on holiday with a mate figure out what you want to do.
Go and see a solicitior this person has done enough damage to you emotionally withhout letting her damage you financially as well (well any further).
good luck, if I was in your situaution there is no way I would let her come after me wanting compenastion from the house value ect.
p.s this is what I would do, have a day off work when she will not be there, get a locksmith round to change the locks, change your numbers, pack all her stuff up, leaving nothing even debatable items including presents from her, pack them up and deliver them to her mums, or the front lawn, give the scooter back to your parents. go on holiday with a mate figure out what you want to do.
02 August 2004, 04:52 PM
#29
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listen mate, get a grip, be strong, take control and get rid of the bird. Just do it and get rid of her, shes no good for you, and you're life will be better. If you dont do anything you'll regred it possibly for the rest of your life.
This is what i think of when im majorly down, there's only one person that in control of your life and thats you! You have the ability to change this situation!
Sean
This is what i think of when im majorly down, there's only one person that in control of your life and thats you! You have the ability to change this situation!
Sean