JoanUK300

O.K......might be a bit long winded, but I`ll try my best to explain quickly!!!

Back at Christmas, my friend, who I have known for 36 years, gave us our Christmas presents, I bought her and her husband a joint present and her two kids a present(approx £40 spent on the family). When we opened our presents, she bought me a candle, which looked like she had got it from the bottom of the dustbin! and a small box of biscuits! Nothing for my son.
I thought at the time...."oh well, perhaps they are finding it hard at the moment" and thought I would wait until the kids birthdays came around, her youngests was in March, then my sons in April and her eldest in June.
I got her son a present (approx £10) and we went over to theirs on Saturday to give the kids their Easter Eggs.........when we arrived she kept us on the doorstep and didn`t think about giving my son an Easter Egg (obviously hadn`t got him one)........then she said...." I was going to put Harrisons card in the post" (obviously to avoid buying him a present and seeing us at the same time!!!!!!!!)

Now, after what has happened at Christmas, Birthdays and Easter.........I get the feeling I am being taken for a ride, that she has had no intention of buying my son ANYTHING!!!.......don`t get me wrong, I don`t want anything from her but to exclude my son hurts me!!!!

I`m not sure what to do now, do I write her a letter telling her that I think that what she has done is nasty and we should call it a day as far as gifts go and forget about Christmas presents etc. and just send cards, or do I carry on buying them stuff knowing that they can`t be really bothered to buy us things in return.(I know that sounds a bit weird but it isn`t meant to)


Any thoughts from anyone??????????????


Ta very much.....
Joan.

skiddus_markus

Not everyone feels as strongly about buying gifts,I know I don't.I'm really not fussed it I even receive presents,let alone the value.If a friend expected me to buy gifts for their family I'd be of the opinion they were trying to spend my money for me.
I think you maye be taking it more personally becasue it involves your children,which is natural but also that you're reading into something that's not there.All IMO and obviously I don't know you or your friend.

m18use

Sounds very strange and they have put you in a arkward situation.I
Know you dont give to receive........but seems odd
I realise this of no help at all .


Cheers mouse

Chip

Isn't the saying:

"It's better to give than to receive"

Chip.

sti555

What is the friendship like between you two in between, do you speak alot, socialise etc etc..

Redkop

I would defo revert to exchanging cards only. Maybe you are embarrassing her by giving expensive gifts and it's her cowardly way of trying to tell you not to bother, as she has no intention of doing same thing. It's a shame when children are involved

BumbleBee

If I were you I wouldn't say anything to your friend at the moment and just give cards from now on. If your friend says something to you about no presents then mention want has happened and you feel about it.

Brun

I agree with the last two

scoobynutta555

Do what i do, buy nobody anything

Its all a load of commercialism anyway. People who 'have' to spend loads on presents for people are mugs.

Apparition

Save yourself some money and just stick to cards.... if you can't help saying something, just mention that you maybe are a bit embarrassed to think you may have caused her some discomfort by buying presents when they clearly were'nt going to reciprocate any longer.And that you wished she had told you of this plan so that you wouldn't have gone barging in with your prezzies ?! Sometimes this angle does work in a reverse psycological way.

JoanUK300

Chip,STi55....... I`m not bothered about receiving presents but we have known each other 36 years, since we were 3, so we have a lot of history, she has been there for me and I have been there for her, we have grown up together so are very good friends...........sometimes I forget to phone her but I don`t need to give her a reason, I am Godparent to her two kids and have always felt my duty to include them in 'my' family..........I just feel a bit gobsmacked really!!!!!


Think I am going to wait until Harrisons birthday (April 14th) and see what happens.......then probably stick to cards in future.

PeterUK300

iTrader: (1)

Look, I told you Joan don't buy them anything, then I can spend more on my Scoob......

Only joking. I know this has really got to Joan and your thoughts have helped.

I agree with most and have told Joan the same, hence waiting to see what happens on the 14th. Nothing except a card probably. Then that will settle it CARDS ONLY from then on......... Shame that Joan's lifetime friend has not simply said to Joan can we just do cards or they are finding it an expense they can ill afford. Whatever the reason "it is good to talk".

All the best
Pete

PS. I can't stand the fat selfish cow anyway...... opps there goes the diplomacy

Shark

LMAO at your reply Pete!

Joan, give her a call and talk about it. If you have known her that long you should be able to sort it.

All the best to you both,

David

Scooby96

Joan, are you sure Pete hasnt been boning her on the sly

PeterUK300

iTrader: (1)

I will try to find a picture. It did make us both larf....

When a said Fat Cow I was not joking........

PeterUK300

iTrader: (1)

David long time no see/speak. How are U m8

All the best
Pete

Scooby96

jasey

We (Our close circle of friends) came to a joint decision one night several years ago that we would only buy presents for Kids and the adults would make do with cards as it was all getting expensive and unneccessary (there's only so many ****e clothes a person can take in one lifetime).

I suggest you organise a meeting - get pissed - and agree the same .

ps If it turns out to be some "Other problem" (like say a certain member of the family straying into the pen) then get it sorted

16vmarc

I think its pretty obvious that you should not be spending money on these people. They will probobly be put out when you cease giving their son gifts, but that seems like the type of people they are. Save your money for you and your family.

16vmarc

LMAO thats the spirit!

JoanUK300

She did also say on Saturday that she didn`t really want presents for her son or daughter, she would rather have the money!!!! (I know what kind of person she is and I can tell you that any money WOULDN`T have been spent on the kids.....it would have gone in HER purse!!!!!! We have even been to kids parties together and she has taken the kids food off their plates cos she was hungry.....so her kids went without


BUT, she knows I feel towards her daughter, who is disabled, and I also know she doesn`t really want her in her life, I don`t know if this is because she finds it hard but more than likely she is embarrassed by her, she often moans about her, and neglects her and has said to her husband in the past that either her daughter leaves or she does.


I did expect these kind of replies.......but I guess I was just hoping someone had some different explanation!!!! (I was beginning to think that it was me being paranoid!!!!)

jasey

Well that certainly comes under the heading "Other" problem .

This will require a diplomatic approach and I know my limits.

Good luck - you're gonna need it

GarethE

iTrader: (1)

I agree, it certain does come under "other"...

From what you have said, she doesn't seem to care much for her own childrens feelings, and given that, she's hardly going to be worried about your son's.

However, the fact that you are her childrens godparent should mean that their feelings are important to you. If she behaves towards them the way you describe then the acts of kindness and present giving that you show towards the children may mean an awful lot to them...if you stop, your godchildren are the only ones who suffer.

By all means stop sending gifts to her and her husband, but I wouldn't cut the children out of it, they should mean more to you than that - otherwise you just stoop to her level and it all becomes a bit petty. Rise above it .

As regards requesting money, I think you are right not to go down that road, and anyway if I want to buy my godson a gift, its a gift from me to him, that I choose for a reason.

I appreciate it may be difficult after knowing each other all these years, but you have obviously enjoyed giving presents to the children over the years, unless you felt you had to do it out of duty, - carry on giving the presents, do it without expecting anything from her in return, and get a little bit more enjoyment from it

Hope something in there helps...thats the way I would handle it, although every situation is different

Gareth

JoanUK300

Thanks to everyone for your replies....I thought you would all say pretty much about the same thing.
Anyway, Harrisons birthday is on Weds, 14th April, so I will wait to see if anything unfolds and then see how much our friendship really means!!!!!

Mice_Elf

Do you really judge your friendship on the presents you buy for each other's children?

If you want to give her children gifts, do so...but expecting something in return is a little off. You should give to make them happy, not to receive.

Not trying to annoy you here, but if she's not a gift-giver then she never will be... Reduce the gifts you give to her / her husband and buy the small presents for her children as you were. It sounds like they don't receive much in the way of affection or gifts from their parents so will appreciate yours all the more.

Talk to her - she may be trying to reduce present giving without trying to offend you....

JoanUK300

Mice Elf, it`s not that 'I' expect a present, but at Christmas we bought a joint present for her and her husband, one for the daughter and one for the son....she usually buys a joint one for me and Peter and one for Harrison.........I did my usual but she only got me a present, a candle, and a box of biscuits to share......nothing for Harrison. Now I would have preferred it the other way round, I would rather Harrison got a present not me.....or perhaps I am doing it the wrong way round cos I think she expects the opposite.

And again, on Saturday.......if she had turned up on my doorstep with an Easter Egg for Harrison and I hadn`t got one for her kids I would have borrowed two from Harrison to give to her kids.......or am I doing that the wrong way round again??????

As I said before I didn`t give to receive but to blatantly exclude Harrison (who is 8) took some explaining!!!!!!!!!


BUT, Peter (my hubby) has put his foot down on this one, he doesn`t like her anyway, and if I do say so myself she is a 'slob'.......I could tell you things about her you wouldn`t even think existed......(got to tell you this one.... when they lived in a small cul-de-sac, all the neighbours, about 20 of them, got together one evening for a bbq, well her hubby contributed by supplying cream cakes for everyone, (he is in the trade) well because she doesn`t like sharing, she stayed in late that evening and ate all 20 cakes and made herself sick!!!!!!!!! When I asked her why she done it, she said that she had paid for them and didn`t see why she should contribute and laughed!!!!!!!!!! Then she had the bludy cheek to go outside where the bbq was at 9.30pmish and eat everyone elses donation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It`s like whenever we go out, which I admit is not very often now as I have got wise....when it comes to paying the bill, she goes to the toilet or says I`ve not got enough cash or some other excuse....so I ended up paying for the lot. When we go for a drink my round she has a large drink then when it`s her round, she says it`s time to get home for the babysitter, so I don`t go with her anymore.

As I said I`ll wait till Harrisons birthday on Wednesday.

JoanUK300

Just read my horoscope for the week.........think I`ll stay in bed then!!!

"Oh dear, this just isn't going to be a good week for you, JOAN. We're not talking anything catastrophic, but you could spend much of the week feeling like one of those voodoo dolls filled with pins, and you'll wonder why anyone would want to hurt you like this. The easy answer is that they don't. No one is intentionally trying to do you harm. Insensitivity is another matter. With retrograde Mercury back in Aries by Tuesday, everyone is making thoughtless and callous remarks. Cancer has a hard time accepting that others aren't as sensitive as you, and you're hypersensitive this week to boot, with an Eclipse approaching next Monday."

GarethE

iTrader: (1)

Having read your comments Joan its obvious that you are angry because of the way that she treats your son, as you said that you are not bothered about presents for yourself.....don't let her attitute affect your attitude to your godchildren, thats not fair on them.

Your son has parents who care a lot for him, your godchildren seem to have a mother who doesn't give a toss about them - if I was in your position I would want to ensure my godchildren knew that they had someone who did care - if you cut off present giving and support what sort of example does that set to your son? You made promises to support, love and care for these children when you became a godparent, you shouldn't let this womans uncaring attitude towards you, or your son, affect that.

Mice_Elf

Wow...she certainly sounds....odd, bizarre, unbelieveable!

Hope that you can work it out amicably.

JoanUK300

Well, she sent Harrison a card with a fiver!

Now I suppose the ball is in my court as to her daughters birthday in June.....I think I`ll probably buy her a pressie, then say we should stick to cards only!!!!!