douglasb

.....looking shocked. He asks the barman for a whisky and downs it in one. He is on the second refill when the barman asks him if something is wrong to make him drink so fast. The man explains that his car broke down about a mile along the road. He'd had the bonnet up and was looking for the problem when a horse stuck its head over the fence and said "Check the ignition leads". Sure enough, an HT lead was hanging loose, so he reconnected it. The engine started first time and he'd driven staight to the pub, but he thought he was going mad as he thought he'd seen a talking horse.

The barman asks "What colour was the horse?". The man replied that it was black. The barman says, "That's alright then. The white horse out there knows **** all about car engines".

Doug

[Edited by douglasb - 11/7/2003 12:41:10 PM]

Goochie

3 peices of under age string are outside a pub, they decide to go in and see who can get served.

First piece is told "sorry we dont serve string"

Second is told "look I just told your mate, we dont serve string"

Third goes in, barman says "Look I told your mates... you're a piece of string aren't you?!" The string says - "Nope - I'm a fraid knot"

[Edited by Goochie - 11/7/2003 1:43:26 PM]

ZIPPY

...............with an Octopus.

He sits at the bar with the Octopus and the barman says 'you cant bring that in here'
The man says but he is very talented he can play any musical instrument.
The barman says 'if he can play the piano he can stay'
Off the Octopus goes and plays the piano perfectly.
The barman says thats fantastic and offers free drinks if it can play the guitar, once again the Octopus gets the guitar and plays like Jimi Hendrix.

The barman is amazed and says ' i bet it cant play every musical instrument' the man replies 'Oh yes it can'

The barman then offers the man free drinks for life if it can play his bag pipes.

The Octopus then gets hold of them and starts rolling all over the floor for 10 minutes without playing a single note, the man grabs hold of the Octopus and ask's what the f#ck is it playing at by embarresing him and to hurry up and play.

The Octopus replies 'PLAY IT I'M STILL TRYING TO GET IT'S KNICKERS OFF'.


[Edited by ZIPPY - 11/7/2003 3:47:09 PM]

Gridlock Mikey

.......with a giraffe. They get drunk and the giraffe falls over. Drunk bloke staggers to the door to go home, turns and says his goodbyes. Landlord shouts

"Oi!, You can't leave that lyin' there" and points at the giraffe. Bloke slurrs
"Not a lyin, it's a Giraffe"

Mikey

DJ Dunk

iTrader: (5)

. . . Ouch ! It was an Iron bar.

Gridlock Mikey

.......and see's a couple of police horses in riot gear. Gets talking and says
"Good day boys"
"Yeah not bad"
"So why the long faces?"

Mikey <Feel free to join in dudes >

DJ Dunk

iTrader: (5)

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and says, "Oi. barman, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm hard. I come from the A45 and lorries and cars drive over me all day but I don't give a damn"!
Trembling, the barman pours him a pint and gives it to him.
Ten minutes later another piece of black tarmac walks in and shouts, "You, bartender, give me a beer, I'm a piece of tarmac and I'm as hard as rock. I come off the M6 and have thousands of cars, trailers, juggernauts and caravans riding over me all day, but I couldn't give a damn cos I'm so tough.
The barman nervously pours him a pint.
Ten minutes later a piece of red tarmac walks in, sits at the bar and orders an orange juice. The two black pieces of tarmac get up and looking mighty frightened run into the toilet. The barman follows them in and says,
"What's going on, I thought you two was hard, why are you afraid of that little piece of red tarmac in there". One of the pieces of black tarmac replies timidly,
"Are you kidding, he's a Cyclepath".

DJ Dunk

iTrader: (5)

. . . . and orders a beer.

He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and urinates in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey.
The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey just urinated in my beer?"

The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it I'll play it."

Gridlock Mikey

......and gets hit by a bottle, right on the back of his head. He spins round and see's a little chinaman tittering. He says
"What Kung Fu that?"

The rest is history

Mikey

Gridlock Mikey

.......and slips on a pile of dog mess, legs go from under him and he lands flat on his back, winding himself. He picks himself up and takes a seat to recover.
30 Seconds later another bloke comes in with his mate, complaining about Monkey urine in his beer the previous night, and steps in the same dog mess. He to ends up on his back. First bloke rushes over to help and says
"Are you ok M8? I just did that"
2nd bloke kicked hell out of him!

Mikey

TonyG

...with a white horse and orders a Scotch. Barman gestures at the horse and says 'we've got a whiskey named after him'. Bloke looks puzzled, and says 'You've got a whiskey called Eric?'

Sbradley

...and sits down for a pint.

A few minutes later a polar bear walks in and says to the barman "Could I have a gin and............................................... .................................................. .................................................. ......tonic please?"

Barman says "Sure, but why the big pause?"

"They stop me sinking in the snow."

Sorry,

SB

chiark

Bloke walks up to the bar, with a big ostrich behind him, and as he stops at the bar, a small cat jumps up onto the bar stool next to him. The barman comes over, regards the three rather curiously, and asks "What'll it be", to which the man replies "Well, I'll have a pint" and, turning to the ostrich "what do you want?"

"I'll have a pint as well" replies the ostrich.

The man looks down at the cat and says "I suppose you want a drink too?", to which the cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't ****in' paying!".

The barman pulls two and a half pints and says "That'll be three pounds forty please". To the barman's surprise the man puts his hand in his pocket, feels around, and pulls out exactly £3.40 in loose hange, which he puts on the bar. A while later the same thing happens. The man, the ostrich and the small cat come back to the bar.

"I'll have pint" says the man,

"I'll have a pint says the ostrich",

"and I'll have a half, but I ain't ****in paying" says the cat.

"That'll be three pounds forty" says the barman, and again the man puts his hand in his pocket, feels around and pulls out exactly £3.40. This goes on several times, much to the bemusement of the barman.Finally, as last orders are rung, the man the ostrich and the cat come back to the bar.

"Well" says the man "its last orders, I think I'll have a large scotch", and turning to the ostrich "what do you want?"

"I'll have a large scotch as well" replies the ostrich. Turning to the small cat on the stool next to him, the man says "and I suppose you want something as well?"

"I'll have a small scotch says the cat, but I ain't ****in' payin'". The barman rings up the drinks in the till, and says to the man, with a sly grin on his face, "that'll be seven pounds twenty please" To his amazement and disbelief the man puts his hand in his pocket, feels about and pulls out exactly £7.20 in loose change. As the three finish their drinks and are about to leave, the barman cannot contain his curiosity no longer.

"Excuse me sir, but before you leave there is something I must know.....how do you always manage to come up with the exact change from your pocket, every time?"

"Well" says the man, "its a long story, but basically several years ago I looked after an old lady who was well into her nineties, and when she died she left me her old house, nothing special, but when I was clearing out the attic I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed the lamp a genie appeared and offered me two wishes."

"Well that's fantastic" says the barman, "what did you wish for?".

"Well," says the man, "if I ever need to pay for anything I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right money will always be there".

"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would just ask for a million pounds or something, but you will always be as rich as you want for as long as you want".

"Oh yes" says the man, "its the greatest thing I ever did. If I want to buy a pint of milk the money will always be there. If I want to buy a Rolls Royce the exact money will be there too!".

As the man turns to go, the barman calls him back and says "one last thing sir, your friends ... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinking in here"

to which the man looks glum and replies "well, that was probably the worst thing I ever did ... you see I had two wishes, and on my second wish I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight *****".

DAC

A blue smartie walks into a bar and says, "Oi. barman, give me a beer, I'm a blue smarty and I'm f...in hard.
Trembling, the barman pours him a pint and gives it to him.
Ten minutes later a m&m walks in and shouts, "You, bartender, give me a beer, I'm hard as rock. The barman nervously pours him a pint.
Ten minutes later a locket walks in, sits at the bar and orders an orange juice. The m&m and blue smartie get up and looking mighty frightened run into the toilet. The barman follows them in and says,
"What's going on, I thought you two was hard, why are you afraid of that little locket in there". they both reply "Are you kidding, he's foooouking menthal he is".

DAC

bloke walks into a bar and sees a good looking girl getting pissed - repetively ordering double whiskies - thinking he might get a sh4g here - the bloke chats er up - takes her home and does the business many times.

next night - exactly the same - she ordering double whiskies - getting pissed - him taking her home and sh4gging her senseless.


this goes on for 6 nights - and on the seventh night the bloke walks in and she's asking the barman for an orange juice - he walks up and asks her why she's not on whisky tonite - she replies

"can't drink any more of that stuff it makes my fanny sore"

Gridlock Mikey

.........and sees a lobster getting a hard time off of the barman. The Lobster says in an agitated voice
"So why won't you serve me?" to which the barman replies
"Cos you keep on givin' it that"

Mikey

Gridlock Mikey

alcazar

iTrader: (2)

.........rolling drunk with a lobster under his arm.
He plops the lobster onto the bar, and slurs to the barman: "Here y'are, mate, here's a lobster."

The barman replies, "thanks mate. I'll take it home for tea".

The drunk considers this for a moment, then says:" Nah, it's had it's tea. Take it to the pictures".
Alcazar

alcazar

iTrader: (2)

..............with a crocodile under his arm. He says to the barman: "Do you serve Italians in this bar?", to which the barman replies that they do.
"OK then," says the guy, "get me a pint, and bring an Italian for the crocodile."



So this goes on all nite, and finally, the barman has to call a halt to it, as he's run out of Italians. He offers the man a Pygmy for the crocodile instead, but the man says "Daren't do that mate, he's a b*gger when he gets on the shorts".

Alcazar

alcazar

iTrader: (2)

.................with his elephant, but the barman says he can't bring it in.

"Well," says the guy, "I can't leave it ouside, 'cos it runs off and f*cks cats!"

The barman is intrigued, and offers the man to bring it in, so long as he can watch it perform with the pub cat.

They fetch the cat, and the elephant promptly sits on it.

"Ooops," grins the guy, "there's another one f*cked!"

Gridlock Mikey

jonny gav

iTrader: (1)

........with a jump lead, the man asks the barman for a pint for him and a one for the jump lead.

the barman answers you can have one but the jump lead can't!

why can't the jump lead have one the man asks?

because he looks like he's going to start something!!!

Gridlock Mikey

Mikey

Mark Miwurdz

...walks into a bar and the *** machine shouts "Your mother's a ***** you 2-bit piece of ****!"

Slighty taken aback, he walks to the bar and a bowl of peanuts on the counter says "Good afternoon sir, you look positively radiant and dapper and it's a pleasure to see you."

Bloke says to the barman "What the **** was that all about?"
Barman says "The cigarette machine's out of order and the peanuts are complimentary."

Luke

Bloody hell..............this lot has had me cracking up for nearly 30mins.....

One of the best selection of jokes I have ever seen.

POC

Jay m A

iTrader: (2)

..and orders a pint. Behind the bar he spots a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The
sculpture is so interesting and unique that he decides he must have it, and asks the barman what
it costs. "Ten pounds for the rat, sir," says the barman, "and a
hundred pounds more for the story behind it." "A hundred quid?" he says,
baffled. "You can keep the story, old man, but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, he finishes his pint and leaves the bar with the bronze
rat under his arm. But as he crosses the street in front of the pub, two live
rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously
looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster. But every time he passes
another drain, more rats come flooding out and follow him. By the time he's walked
about half a mile, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to
point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes
of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant sites and abandoned cars. Rats by
the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the docks at the bottom of
the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
But no matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not
just thousands but what seem like millions, so that by the time he
comes rushing up to the water's edge a huge trail of rats is behind him. Making a
mighty leap, he jumps up onto a lamp-post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls
the bronze rat into the Thames with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling
his legs up and clinging to the lamp-post, he watches in amazement as the
seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Thames's murky waters,
where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the bar. "Ah, so
you've come back for the rest of the story," says the barman. "No," came the reply, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Man United supporter"

Gridlock Mikey

Gotta be some more out there

Mikey

Luke

Turbo Kitty walks into a diet thread......

Dapster

A duck walks into a bar and say "evening barman, get me a nice cold pint of Guiness would you please!"

"Oh my God!" replies the barman astounded at the talking duck. "There's a circus across the road, they'd be very intersted in someone like you. They could offer you a job"

"Why?" replies the duck. "Do they need an electrician?".