Playground fitba rules
31 July 2003, 05:49 PM
#1
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If you have a spare 10 mins this is vintage!
We all know the rules to the senior game but do you remember the rules to Primary School playground fitba??
>Duration
>
>Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a
>lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing
>of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these
>periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending
>on the nihilism or bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal
>punishment met out to latecomers back to the classroom. In practice
>there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in
>line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who
>will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down
>the last of their gins and journey from the staffroom, known as
>"chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher
>actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "bampots". This
>sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match
>in progress,often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the
>number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in
>picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and
>bampots in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of
>play - a lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a
>five-minute post-bell onslaught of five bampots against one. The
>scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is
>in the trust of the last bampots to leave the field of play, and may be
>the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved
>manners (see Adjudication).
>
>Parameters
>
>The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of
>jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink
>throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the
>prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the
>piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should
>be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the
>target area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets
>should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that
>the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that
>the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus
>the inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal
>is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be
>undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination. In the
>absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed
>as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which
>a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie
>with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the
>"best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical
>violence if anyone wants to stretch a point. There are no pitch
>markings. Instead, physical objects denote the boundaries, ranging from
>the most common - walls and buildings – to roads or burns. Corners and
>throw-ins are redundant where bylines or touchlines are denoted by a
>two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall. Instead, a scrum should
>be instigated to decide possession. This should begin with the ball
>trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and should
>escalate to include as many team members as can get there before the
>now egg-shaped ball finally merges, drunkenly and often with a
>dismembered foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should
>look out for the player who takes possession of the escaped ball and
>begins bearing down on goal, as most of those involved in the scrum
>will be unaware that the ball is no longer amidst their feet. The
>goalkeeper should also try not to be distracted by the inevitable
>fighting that has by this point broken out. In games on large open
>spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket
>piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water
>hazards or "a big dug", the width is determined by how far out the
>attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender
>gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the
>players are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is
>often observed that the playing area is "no' a full-size pitch". This
>can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen
>inches from the ball at direct free kicks It is the formal response
>to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he
>places the ball.
>
>The Ball
>
>There is a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School
>Football. I shall describe three notable examples. 1. The plastic
>balloon. An extremely lightweight model, used primarily in the early
>part of the season and seldom after that due to having
>burst.Identifiable by blue pentagonal panelling and the names of that
>year's Premier League sides printed all over it. Advantages: low sting
>factor, low burst-nose probability, cheap, discourages a long-ball
>game. Disadvantages: over- susceptible to influence of the wind,
>difficult to control, almost magnetically drawn to flat school roofs
>whence never to return. 2. The rough-finish Mitre. Half football, half
>Portuguese Man o' War. On the verge of a ban in the European Court of
>Human Rights, this model is not for sale to children. Used exclusively
>by teachers during gym classes as a kind of aversion therapy. Made from
>highly durable fibre-glass, stuffed with neutron star and coated with
>dead jellyfish. Advantages: looks quite grown up, makes for
>high-scoring matches (keepers won't even attempt to catch it).
>Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it touches.
>3. The "Tube". Genuine leather ball, identifiable by brown all-over
>colouring. Was once black and white, before ravages of games on
>concrete, but owners can never remember when. Adored by everybody,
>especially keepers. Advantages: feels good, easily controlled, makes a
>satisfying "whump" noise when you kick it. Disadvantages: turns into
>medicine ball when wet, smells like a dead dog.
>
>Offside
>
>There is no offside, for two reasons: one, "it's no' a full-size
>pitch", and two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The
>lack of an offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of
>strikers. These players hang around the opposing goalmouth while play
>carries on at the other end, awaiting a long pass forward out of
>defence which they can help past the keeper before running the entire
>length of the pitch with their arms in the air to greet utterly
>imaginary adulation. These are known variously as "moochers",
>"gloryhunters" and "fly wee bastarts". These players display a
>remarkable degree of self-security, seemingly happy in their own
>appraisals of their achievements, and caring little for their
>team-mates' failure to appreciate the contribution they have made. They
>know that it can be for nothing other than their enviable goal tallies
>that they are so bitterly despised.
>
>Adjudication
>
>The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between
>the opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two
>accepted ways of doing this.
>
>1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by
>both sides. Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance
>with the spirit of competition, ensuring that the game does not turn
>into "a pure skoosh". For example, in the event of a dispute as to
>whether the ball in fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone
>inside or "over" the post, the attacking side may offer the
>ultimatum: "Penalty or goal." It is not recorded whether any side has
>ever opted for the latter. It is on occasions that such arrangements or
>ultimata do not prove acceptable to both sides that the second
>adjudicatory method comes into play. 2. Fighting. Those up on their
>ancient Hellenic politics will understand that the concept we know as
>"justice" rests in these circumstances with the hand of the strong.
>What the winner says, goes, and what the winner says is just, for who
>shall dispute him? It is by such noble philosophical principles that
>the supreme adjudicator, or Best Fighter, is effectively elected.
>
We all know the rules to the senior game but do you remember the rules to Primary School playground fitba??
>Duration
>
>Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a
>lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing
>of a bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these
>periods, play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending
>on the nihilism or bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal
>punishment met out to latecomers back to the classroom. In practice
>there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in
>line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who
>will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to down
>the last of their gins and journey from the staffroom, known as
>"chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher
>actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "bampots". This
>sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match
>in progress,often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the
>number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in
>picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and
>bampots in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of
>play - a lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a
>five-minute post-bell onslaught of five bampots against one. The
>scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is
>in the trust of the last bampots to leave the field of play, and may be
>the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved
>manners (see Adjudication).
>
>Parameters
>
>The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of
>jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink
>throughout the match, depending on the number of participants and the
>prevailing weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the
>piles. Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should
>be placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the
>target area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets
>should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that
>the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that
>the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus
>the inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the goal
>is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be
>undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination. In the
>absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed
>as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which
>a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie
>with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the
>"best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical
>violence if anyone wants to stretch a point. There are no pitch
>markings. Instead, physical objects denote the boundaries, ranging from
>the most common - walls and buildings – to roads or burns. Corners and
>throw-ins are redundant where bylines or touchlines are denoted by a
>two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall. Instead, a scrum should
>be instigated to decide possession. This should begin with the ball
>trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and should
>escalate to include as many team members as can get there before the
>now egg-shaped ball finally merges, drunkenly and often with a
>dismembered foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should
>look out for the player who takes possession of the escaped ball and
>begins bearing down on goal, as most of those involved in the scrum
>will be unaware that the ball is no longer amidst their feet. The
>goalkeeper should also try not to be distracted by the inevitable
>fighting that has by this point broken out. In games on large open
>spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted by the jacket
>piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads, water
>hazards or "a big dug", the width is determined by how far out the
>attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender
>gets fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the
>players are waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is
>often observed that the playing area is "no' a full-size pitch". This
>can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players eighteen
>inches from the ball at direct free kicks It is the formal response
>to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he
>places the ball.
>
>The Ball
>
>There is a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School
>Football. I shall describe three notable examples. 1. The plastic
>balloon. An extremely lightweight model, used primarily in the early
>part of the season and seldom after that due to having
>burst.Identifiable by blue pentagonal panelling and the names of that
>year's Premier League sides printed all over it. Advantages: low sting
>factor, low burst-nose probability, cheap, discourages a long-ball
>game. Disadvantages: over- susceptible to influence of the wind,
>difficult to control, almost magnetically drawn to flat school roofs
>whence never to return. 2. The rough-finish Mitre. Half football, half
>Portuguese Man o' War. On the verge of a ban in the European Court of
>Human Rights, this model is not for sale to children. Used exclusively
>by teachers during gym classes as a kind of aversion therapy. Made from
>highly durable fibre-glass, stuffed with neutron star and coated with
>dead jellyfish. Advantages: looks quite grown up, makes for
>high-scoring matches (keepers won't even attempt to catch it).
>Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it touches.
>3. The "Tube". Genuine leather ball, identifiable by brown all-over
>colouring. Was once black and white, before ravages of games on
>concrete, but owners can never remember when. Adored by everybody,
>especially keepers. Advantages: feels good, easily controlled, makes a
>satisfying "whump" noise when you kick it. Disadvantages: turns into
>medicine ball when wet, smells like a dead dog.
>
>Offside
>
>There is no offside, for two reasons: one, "it's no' a full-size
>pitch", and two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The
>lack of an offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of
>strikers. These players hang around the opposing goalmouth while play
>carries on at the other end, awaiting a long pass forward out of
>defence which they can help past the keeper before running the entire
>length of the pitch with their arms in the air to greet utterly
>imaginary adulation. These are known variously as "moochers",
>"gloryhunters" and "fly wee bastarts". These players display a
>remarkable degree of self-security, seemingly happy in their own
>appraisals of their achievements, and caring little for their
>team-mates' failure to appreciate the contribution they have made. They
>know that it can be for nothing other than their enviable goal tallies
>that they are so bitterly despised.
>
>Adjudication
>
>The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between
>the opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two
>accepted ways of doing this.
>
>1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by
>both sides. Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance
>with the spirit of competition, ensuring that the game does not turn
>into "a pure skoosh". For example, in the event of a dispute as to
>whether the ball in fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone
>inside or "over" the post, the attacking side may offer the
>ultimatum: "Penalty or goal." It is not recorded whether any side has
>ever opted for the latter. It is on occasions that such arrangements or
>ultimata do not prove acceptable to both sides that the second
>adjudicatory method comes into play. 2. Fighting. Those up on their
>ancient Hellenic politics will understand that the concept we know as
>"justice" rests in these circumstances with the hand of the strong.
>What the winner says, goes, and what the winner says is just, for who
>shall dispute him? It is by such noble philosophical principles that
>the supreme adjudicator, or Best Fighter, is effectively elected.
>
31 July 2003, 06:03 PM
#3
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Thanks Brendan - and number 2 please (I think the size of it upset the server - hence my multiple attempts before it grudgingly accepted it!)
Gordo
[Edited by Gordo - 7/31/2003 6:06:05 PM]
Gordo
[Edited by Gordo - 7/31/2003 6:06:05 PM]
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