STi VII

I dont want to and still love her, she wants to finish it. Says she dont love me anymore yadayada yada. Says no one else is involved but who knows.
What do I need to do to protect my access to the kids. Also how do I protect my cash. CSA can burn in hell [img]images/smilies/mad.gif[/img]

fatherpierre

Sorry to hear that, mate.

Get your cash sorted out before it gets messy. Take out of your accounts (joint?) what's yours and give it to a trusted family member for safe-keeping, as I did when I split from my ex wife.

As for kids, that'll be down to the courts if you go down that road.

Best of luck.

Reffro

Move the larger amounts of money out of the joint accounts, leaving enough in there for all the household expenses and bills, don't remove all the money. Then contact a specialist solicitor for an initial consultation. Even if your not going to divorce, its best you are prepared and know what is going to happen and what you can do. Fore warned is fore armed.

It doesn't have to be a war, and it can be done amicably, but don't go stumbling through this blindly.

And once you've done this, get in touch with Relate, and go get some councelling for you both. Better to try to save the marriage as you seem keen to, than throw it away. If that fails, then look at the best way to seperate, but get all the facts first.

ProperCharlie

I would say that if you do go to a solicitor, don't let her know that you have done straight away. It's a sad fact that the legal system, when it comes to divorce, favours the woman (in most instances). If she thinks that you are trying to stitch her up, she may go off the deep end and get some monkey sharp lawyers on the case which can end up screwing both of you.

The thing is that it's hard to seperate the emotion feelings - betrayal, anger, sadness, whatever, from the practical side of things. Hopefully you will be able to sort it out and not need to resort to divorce proceedings.

Good luck.

[Edited by ProperCharlie - 7/21/2003 8:00:57 PM]

bigsinky

**** me i am not the only one. i have no kids thank ****.

BTW this bullsh1te about needing space and no one else is involved is a crock of crap. 99% of the time there is someone else as i found out. made her sell the house and give me half the money. matrimonial agreement too, no pension rights no **** all.

just my 2p worth

cheers

big sinky

TURBORAY

definately open your own seperate bank account,if you don't have one allready!try to come to a compromise of who looks after the kids and how much you give her towards their upkeep,but don't have just a verbal agreement,try to have written confirmation of the ammount as the csa don't count a verbal agreement as valid.don't forget the kids' feelings though,they'll be hurting too.i hope you can sort things out,this must be terrible for you.


donna.

CC

Sorry m8 can't offer any financial advice but I've just split up with my gf of 4.5 years, she moved out yesterday . Great timing on her behalf after me learning about impending redundancy.

Agree with the comment about another person involved, there was in my case. Well they can have each other.

It was more or less amicable and it was her suggestion but you know what? HER FVKCING LOSS lol , no really, fvck her. Put it this way I certainly didnt fight it like I have done in the past when things havent been a bed of roses.

Weird this is though, only this evening I got a phonecall from a workmate asking me if i could take him as a lodger as he's just split with his longterm gf too! No he doesn't know my ex!

Must be something going round? Tell you what though, ask me if I'm going out next weekend with the lads...oh yes I am....and I'll be proper single for the first time in around 10 years . Just think, doing what you want, when you want.

You'll be ok, time is a great healer, just try and keep busy, make an effort to see friends, get out and about. Look after yourself.

stuckhere

What ever you do don't make the kids feel like they are stuck in the middle and try and make things as smooth as possible for them.
If your going to argue do it quietly, difficult I know but think of the kids.

image doctor

I am on the other side of the fence. I stole my GF from a geezer who was not paying her the attention she deserves and she "came" with a lovely little daughter.....I am very lucky. I get all the benefits of fatherhood, and he has to pay £80 a week! lol, it pisses him off to see me drive nice cars and wear nice clothes.

ID - Experienced in such matters.

......I guess that wont make you feel any better, but you need to know.

john_s

iTrader: (1)

LOL @ ID... puts a whole new spin on single mum's!

John.

Dazza012

CSA cannot touch ur savings, they only take into account what money comes from ur income, when my dad died 8 yars ago, my ex found out that once the house was sold and bills paid the rest was split 50/50 between me and my sis, needless to say gave all the dosh to my sis untill i had confornmation of this.
So she contacted CSA hoping to get some of this cash,but unlucky for her thay told her its only my "disposable income" as they call it they are allowed to touch, but they have to take into account ur mortgage payments and ur council tax and leave u with enough to live on.
Oh yes and the best of it ur ex can go and marry a millionaire 2moro and u will STILL have to make these payments, yet if u go marry a millinairess the CSA take her money into account, cos they say well she can support u and that leaves all ur money to support ex wife and kids...summit bloody wrong somewhere.

Luke

she might have robbed your account first....

midget1500

this sucks. but chances are there *is* someone else, women are like monkeys - they don't let go of one branch till they've gotten hold of another.

steven - hardly experienced in such matters

Scoobydick

.....what they jump on the bonnet of your car and start whacking off

(sorry just trying to lighten the situation up - probably not helping )

midget1500

scoobydick - no, to lighten up matters you would say, woooh! STi VII - you registered nearly 3 years ago and only 25 posts!

fatherpierre

He might be a **** slow typist?

beemerboy

blimey, he's only made one entry on here too!!!

i guess his wife aint leaving due to his scoobynetting then!!!

hide your money, sell ya car to your mate, and walk mate.
sorry to hear kids involved - courts can decide that.

hope it goes smoothly....

BB

SkodaMan

My advice is to re-discover life as a single bloke. You'll never look back. Oh, and the money - you can stash your cash somewhere she can't get at it. You will have to support your kids, but on balance, I hear that within 5 years you'll find you're better off financially (due to job changes, payrises, etc...)

red_dog104

Being the 'evil woman', i left my husband, told him there was no one else etc as I didn't want him hurting more than neccessary. There was kinda someone (although there had been no sex involved). Thing is, there is always a reason why the woman or man strays and it's usually down to lack of communication (or in my case, my ex being a violent, jealous, sexual devient). My ex screwed me financially and I let him cause I felt guilty (and a little scared)but not all women have a conscience. I

If she refuses to try and sort it out, it would suggest there is someone else involved or lined up. Don't beat yourself up over it. She won't change her mind and if she does it'll only be temporary. Don't beg, just let her go. It'll hurt her more than you realise by not making a fuss.

Where money is concerned, have an account of your own for your wages, any savings you have, give to a family member to look after and if you get any redundency money, do the same.

She can legally get you to pay the mortgage on the house until the child/children are 16, so you need to decide now what you want. You can buy her out by giving her half the equity plus a bit extra OR let her buy you out OR just carry on paying the mortgage and maintenence. You will only be expected to pay the mortgage until she moves another partner in, then she will have to buy you out or sell the house.

Not a nice situation to be in and I feel for you and hope I never have to go through it again (it's hard on both sides, believe me) If you want to mail me off line, feel free! I can let you know the kinda thing her solicitor will be telling her!!

Good luck

Jay m A

iTrader: (2)

Sorry to hear that STIVII, a friend at work is going through the same thing, my advice to him was to go for an initial consultation with a solicitor to find out where you stand WRT finance, the house, access etc. Even if it does'nt come to divorce its best to be informed.

Dracoro

Try to make it as amicable as possible. Remember the kids. If it gets nasty, she may try to restrict access, make it more awkward etc. Even if you get access, the kids need BOTH parents to see them, love them etc. they are not pawns in any scraps you may or may not have.

financially, try to agree for house/mortgage/bills stuff to be paid into joint a/c and the rest (that you earn!) to go elsewhere. BTW - You can't take out loads the cash if she's put a lot in, only take out what you put in. Whatever happens, make sure the kids are fed, have roof over heads etc.

HTH

benview7

TALK TO HER!!!!!!!!! TELL HOW YOU FEEL, GET COUNSELLING, IF SHES WORTH FIGHTING FOR DONT GIVE IN. GO BACK TO HOW YOU USED TO BE BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED. FLOWERS WINE AND DINE. DONT GIVE UP.

Best of luck mate and I hope it works out for you both

NACRO

Get custody of the kids yourself then she can get her *** out to work and pay you maintenance. Why on earth should the man always pay for everything?

red_dog104

It's not always that simple. By this stage, unless she is willing to go to counselling like RELATE, then it's just a waste of money and time and it's not fair on either party.

Not knowing the circumstances of why she wants to leave, it's hard to comment. I fell out of love with my ex 3 years before I left him 9because of something he did) and in that time we had 2 seperate blocks of marriage guidance sessions. I tried hard to keep the family together for the sake of our son but in the end I became depressed and suicidal. I met someone who made me feel good about myself and gave me the strength to make the break from my ex.

In situations like this, everyone is an authority but the only people that can sort this out are the ones involved. Do what you think is right and if money is important to you then sort it out asap but take legal advice.

zero_to60

the kids must be your priority....do not let the CSA get involved, it will come back to haunt you when the kids get older. They will get thinking "If Mum had to get the CSA involved to help pay for our upkeep then he obviously didn't give a f*ck" If it turns nasty your wife will fill the kids full of ****e about you, believe me

If it were me the kids welfare would dictate what I'd do. DO NOT give your wife any ammunition to use against you at a later date. I'd not want to up-root the kids from the house, their school, their friends. It's gonna be hard but you've got to stay focused

If it were me and you could afford to do so let your wife stay in the family house with the kids until they are grown up. Then sell the house. Chances are the wife's gonna end up shacking up with someone. The thought of another bloke living in your house at your expense is not nice. So get a solicitor as part of the agreement to stipulate if she meets another bloke and he starts living there or they get married then they have to buy you out of your share or sell the house

I repeat the most important thing to consider is how your kids will view you in a few years time. If you swallow the bitter pill now you will reap the rewards later on

STi VII

It would seem she is willing to try relate but she keeps saying that just because she is going it does not mean she is getting back with me. I said we should try it as we have never been before and it would be daft to throw away all those years without doing everything we can to stay together.
I am not sure if there is anyone else involved but one of her female co-workers who is her best friend is a divorced mum on her own as well, and I am not sure what the score is with her as there are never any fellas in her life and my other half says that she just wants to be on her own single. This woman is always there for my wife to chat to. I do wonder. The kids do not seem to be bothered that I have been ejected from the family home
I have seen something is wrong for ages and have tried to talk to her about our relationship but the kids are always around and her so called friend has let us down for babysitting all the time, meaning that we hardley if at all get out as a couple.
I hope that relate can make her realise just what she means to me and I would die a thousand times just to spend one life time with her, but I think she will just be going to relate hoping that it will give me some closer on our time together and release her from my heart which is killing me inside to think that I will never kiss her again or hold her in my arms

TelBoy

Feel for you VII, that's pretty depressing. Have you actually told her how much you love her? Could nobody else babysit? A specialist agency perhaps? What caused the rift in the first place?

STi VII

She knows how much I love her, all she says is I care for you Our problems started long ago but she has not really been willing to talk about why she feels like she does. I do make the effort to find out what is wrong and had recently rather foolishly issued her some ultimatums which I now see was a mistake but I did it to shock her into seeing that things where not right between us and that we have to talk if we are to solve them. I told her I did it to just make her talk about her feelings and what she feels has gone wrong but all she says is I dont love you anymore which is breaking my heart

boxst

Hello

Unfortunately that is just the way life goes. People fall out of love with each other. It's incredibly sad when one person still adores the other, but you just have to get over it really.

You can try the Relate route, anything is worth a go, but don't have to much hope. I went to a counciller with my now ex-wife. I did it to placate her really, I was sure that I didn't want to be with her. Looking back, all it did was give her false hope. So if your wife does decide to go, just remember this as you don't want your hopes raised and then dashed again.

Steve.

Dazza01

"do not let the CSA get involved"

Zero to60, not that easy im afraid, if his wife doesn't work and needs to make a claim from DSS, as soon as they find out kids are involved they have to inform CSA otherwise they deduct benifit from her untill its been sorted.


[Edited by Dazza01 - 7/22/2003 11:59:38 AM]