merkin

an alltime classic


The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering wreckage embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The metal debris resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it turned out to be the vaporized remains of an automobile. The make of the vehicle was unidentifiable at the scene.

The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and pieced together the events that led up to its demise.

It seems that a former Air Force sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit. JATO units are solid fuel rockets used to give heavy military transport airplanes an extra push for take-off from short airfields.

Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant took the JATO unit into the Arizona desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, accelerated to a high speed, and fired off the rocket.

The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows:

The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The vehicle quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.

The Chevy remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, and left a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recovered; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Ironically a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading
"How do you like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-****."





[Edited by merkin - 5/2/2003 4:28:25 PM]

Badger Stuffer

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Rocket Tester
2002 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(8 June 1983, North Carolina) The Army base at Fort Bragg has seen its share of military "accidents," including the following, a true story and an object lesson often recounted on explosive device ranges to teach soldiers a basic safety lesson: LEAVE A DUD ROUND WHERE IT LAYS.
At the LAW (Light Anti-Tank Weapon) range, soldiers are afforded the rare privilege of firing a real LAW round, although the test rounds are smaller, and not armed with the full explosive power of the actual LAWs. They have an orange chalk warhead, and resemble a model rocket.

One day, the designated Range Safety Officer, Sergeant Lowe, was assigned the job of setting up the moving target with the assistance of a 3-man detail. "The installation of the target on the carrier was hampered by the absence of proper tools," so they improvised, and used a steel tent peg as a hammer to nail the target to the carrier.

While walking on the firing range, Sgt. Lowe spotted and picked up a M72A2 66mm LAW dud round that had not exploded upon impact with the target. The other men in the detail warned him to leave it on the ground, and let the EOD (Explosive Ordinance Detachment) handle it. Sgt Lowe replied, "Its just an old dud," and, to illustrate the innocuous nature of the round, began to strike it with the steel tent peg.

The second strike tripped the pressure-sensitive piezoelectric detonator, causing the round to explode. The explosion tore off Sgt. Lowe's left arm, parts of his right hand, and inflicted fatal wounds to his lungs and abdominal area.

Instead of the EOD, a medical evacuation aircraft was dispatched from the hospital, and an Army Forensics Team arrived to literally scoop up the remains of the former "Range Safety Officer."

Always remember, leave a dud round where it lays!

Badger Stuffer

Daredevil
2002 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(29 September 2002, United Kingdom) (29 September 2002, United Kingdom) The Parisian Yamakasi craze, a building-jumping fad inspired by wire stunts in action films, has been likened to a martial art by its practitioners. This urban "art form" was the inspiration for a BBC TV advertisement wherein an office worker travels home by leaping between buildings, over fences, and around antenna.
So it seemed perfectly normal to Marc, 22, to engage in a spot of building jumping during his free time. However, this Darwin Award Nominee failed to take into account the fact that he was not a highly trained gymnast, and could not clear the 20-foot gap between two multi-story car parks in Maidenhead. He also failed to consider the result of a body hitting concrete from a height of 40 feet. His friend said, "We just did stupid stuff when we were bored, like finding gaps to jump." The result was inevitable...



The Broadway car park where the incident occurred.

Badger Stuffer

Mr. Q's 68-year-old mother found him collapsed on the couch in urine-soaked pants. She called an ambulance which rushed him to the hospital. When they examined him for his "fever, chills, and problem urinating," the doctors discovered his gangrenous ******* swollen to the size of a grapefruit and urine oozing out of the rotted tissue at the base of his *****. An x-ray showed a 10.5-centimeter long metal cylinder lodged there. The treatment? Immediate amputation of the ***** and *******. They were able to save the right ********, though, which they transferred to his thigh.
Eventually, Mr. Q revealed the specifics of how that metal tube got there. Since the age of 14 he'd been inserting plastic or vinyl tubes into his ***** while masturbating. He discovered about 12 years before the hospitalization that the chrome casing of a tire pressure gauge makes an excellent sex toy, especially when lubed up with Vaseline. He used this toy without incident for about 5 years, until it got lost in his bladder. There it stayed for 7 years until it migrated down into his *******.

Source: The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 46:12, Dec 1997

Badger Stuffer

On a construction site, the egotistic foreman would bark out condescending replies to all questions. A backhoe driver was approaching a powerline, and asked the foreman if his backhoe could clear it.
The foreman stared the driver down, and told him, to the effect "you guys just don't tink, use your 'ead - dat is why I'm de boss"

As the foreman grabbed for his metal tape measure at his waist he asked the height of the backhoe.

Then he said, "now all you do.." as extends the tape measure in both hands.

"...is measure like this.."

And tosses the heavy end of the tape upwards and over the power line.

"...and divide by..."

ZAP

he didn't get the word "two" out in time.

boxst

Hello

Why on EARTH would you want to put a 10.5cm steel rod in that place?!

Carpet Cleaner: Do you know the answer?!

Steve.

Fat Boy

I liked the one with the two rednecks who went ice fishing in the winter somewhere in the US.

They had just bought a brand new pick up truck and decided to celebrate by going fishing on a nearby frozen lake, after a large amount of beers.

They drove out there, had another beer, and got ready to cut a hole in the frozen lake. After another beer, they realised that cutting the hole would be quite hard work, especially as they worked at the local quarry,and had dynamite in the back of the pick up truck. As a result, they decided to put a fuse in one and light it, before throwing it as far as they could away from them. Unfortunately, they forgot they had Sandy the golden retriever with them , who charged off across the ice to do what he does best.

Poor old Sandy couldn't understand why the by now panicky men were shooting at him as he ran back to them with the smouldering stick in his mouth. As they were more than a little pished, they failed to hit him, and, being more than a little scared at the turn of events, Sandy took refuge under the pickup.

Their entry into the Darwin Awards was refused as they both survived with some burns,scratches and hypothermia from being submerged in the lake for a while after the explosion, but the same could not be said for the new pick up or, tragically, the gallant Sandy.

PiNkEyE69

Darwins here!

PiNkEyE69

(30 June 2002, Hawaii) 18-year-old Daniel was vacationing with his family when he met three young women on a Hawaiian beach. Perhaps the company of the women addled his brain. Half an hour after meeting them, he was frolicking in a dangerous natural waterspout called the Halona Blowhole: a rock funnel formation that shoots seawater twenty feet into the air.
A locked gate keeps people away from the stairs to the blowhole, and a warning sign proclaims, "Hazardous Conditions. Do Not Go Beyond This Point." A local comedian has placed a skull labeled "Boneyard Reef" on the warning sign. However, the area can be reach by climbing the rocks from beaches on either side.

Witnesses said that Daniel walked right by them on his way to the blowhole, and they warned him to stay away. He kept going, climbing over the rocky shelves to reach the hole shortly before 3pm. He was overheard to say he wanted to feel the water hit his chest.

Thirty seconds later his wish was granted. Dozens of people watched in amazement from a highway overlook while he straddled the blowhole, arms outstretched, laughing while spray washed over him. Then a large wave hit the rocks, and a blast of water launched him five feet into the air and dropped him headfirst into the blowhole

According to firefighter Todd Hugo, who attempted to locate the body while tied to a safety rope, the blowhole narrows then opens up eight feet down. "You could tell when a wave was coming in. There was a kind of humming sound."

Divers recovered Daniel’s body the next day. It was the fourth time a victim has been swept into the blowhole since 1927. Two men died in 1969 and 1986, and one man survived in 1967. "I can't understand the mindset," said Fire Chief James Arciero.

Daniel's female companions were seen being comforted by a young man wearing a T-shirt that read, "Every day, death is near."

Leslie

Darwin is the "Duck's guts", or so they say there!

Did you get my email Badger?

Les