disciplining a child
29 April 2003, 10:35 AM
#1
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Last night I came very close to smacking our 4 year old daughter who had been misbehaving and difficult
In the end I left her to it with her Mum and went for a drive....thing is does this mean that she will think she can get away with behaving badly....and I mean badly as in throwing herself on the floor...sceaming and throwing a tantrum on and off for 2-3 hours disobeying all reasonable requests i.e mmmm it's now 9.00pm and time to go to bed.....tantrum tantrum
Would a smack have calmed her down or made things worse....thing is how do you discpline a child who will not listen....this is the first time she has not responded to verbal reasoning
In the end I left her to it with her Mum and went for a drive....thing is does this mean that she will think she can get away with behaving badly....and I mean badly as in throwing herself on the floor...sceaming and throwing a tantrum on and off for 2-3 hours disobeying all reasonable requests i.e mmmm it's now 9.00pm and time to go to bed.....tantrum tantrum
Would a smack have calmed her down or made things worse....thing is how do you discpline a child who will not listen....this is the first time she has not responded to verbal reasoning
29 April 2003, 10:38 AM
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You mean she's got to 4 years old and you've never smacked her?? 
I have a 4 yr old too and I think that a routine and plenty of sleep helps her out. I try and put her to bed at 7.00 pm every night otherwise I have tantrums etc. She seems alot better the next day too.
I am amazed if you have never smacked her.......
I have a 4 yr old too and I think that a routine and plenty of sleep helps her out. I try and put her to bed at 7.00 pm every night otherwise I have tantrums etc. She seems alot better the next day too.
I am amazed if you have never smacked her.......
29 April 2003, 10:41 AM
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Not sure if its better or worse but my almost 4 year old is is displined by taking away things or events that she likes. This seems fairly effective onces she gets over being very annoyed!
Other technique I've used is putting her to bed until she calms down - she often gets out of bed, but with persistance she eventually calms/gets bored!
I too haven't smacked...
[Edited by polarbearit - 4/29/2003 10:43:43 AM]
Other technique I've used is putting her to bed until she calms down - she often gets out of bed, but with persistance she eventually calms/gets bored!
I too haven't smacked...
[Edited by polarbearit - 4/29/2003 10:43:43 AM]
29 April 2003, 10:44 AM
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well I came close but the wife doesn't agree with it so it's a fine line I tread....I thought that a smack across the back of the legs might 'shock her' out of the tantrum
I am worried she is going to become a spoilt girl who thinks she will be able to get away with anything she likes
I am worried she is going to become a spoilt girl who thinks she will be able to get away with anything she likes
29 April 2003, 10:44 AM
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Have your partners smacked though? I very rarely smack her, but sometimes find it is the only way to calm her down. I also think it is great when my partner disciplines because it can be a drag it always being me, to both her and me. When he raises his voice, she listens!
I think that running away from discipling your child will only cause problems in later life. I am not saying scare her witless, just to have the threat there just in case.
I think that running away from discipling your child will only cause problems in later life. I am not saying scare her witless, just to have the threat there just in case.
29 April 2003, 10:52 AM
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me and the missus are going to discuss this but we thought that it was too charged an atmosphere to have a sensible conversation
thing is when I was a child I was at the very least upstairs by 7.30.....out daughter was still refusing to even get into bed clothes at 9.00pm and when she doens't want to do things it's tantrum time
The other worry is all the do gooders out there that will say you are wrong to use physical punishment as a means of discpline...don't want the RSPCA round either
thing is when I was a child I was at the very least upstairs by 7.30.....out daughter was still refusing to even get into bed clothes at 9.00pm and when she doens't want to do things it's tantrum time
The other worry is all the do gooders out there that will say you are wrong to use physical punishment as a means of discpline...don't want the RSPCA round either
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29 April 2003, 10:58 AM
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An early bed time is essential, not only for the child but for you and your partner. I go to bed at 10-10.30. If Hollie was still up at 9.00 pm, when would I get time to relax, clear up etc....??
Establishing a new routine is very difficult to begin with, but I promise that it will solve problems. Try having your dinner all together if you can then warm bath for her, into PJs and then bed time story.
I don't care what all these namby pamby liberals say, YOU are in charge, NOT the child.
Establishing a new routine is very difficult to begin with, but I promise that it will solve problems. Try having your dinner all together if you can then warm bath for her, into PJs and then bed time story.
I don't care what all these namby pamby liberals say, YOU are in charge, NOT the child.
29 April 2003, 11:00 AM
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I find that with my son if I tell him he is going to be stopped from playing on the playstation or a certain toy of the moment will be out of bounds for a while it seems to have a good effect. Also raising my voice really makes him sit up and listen to what I am saying. I will do anything to avoid giving him a smack, really the only time would be if he has done anything really dangerous that must not be done ever again and then its on the hand. I'm lucky that for a 5 year old he is extremely well behaved, and the biggest issue is normally his cheek and lip he can give out. Don't know where he gets that from either 
I agree with smacking for discipline when its for very serious misbehaviour but its so risky now because of the over the top political correctness that flies around these days.
Its understandable at times though because when I see kids in supermarkets being given a good whack for something really silly it makes me really angry because its a totally over the top response from the parent.
I was smacked as a kid and I think it was the right way to discipline me for the things I did. It certainly made sure I gave very careful consideration before attempting to do it again lol and I certainly never hated my parents because of it. Too many kids these days get away with obscene behaviour and as they get older they just get worse to the point of being total little ****.
Not disciplining kids is the reason why there are so many nasty little devils in school playgrounds giving other kids a hard time and behaving so badly.
I agree with smacking for discipline when its for very serious misbehaviour but its so risky now because of the over the top political correctness that flies around these days.
Its understandable at times though because when I see kids in supermarkets being given a good whack for something really silly it makes me really angry because its a totally over the top response from the parent.
I was smacked as a kid and I think it was the right way to discipline me for the things I did. It certainly made sure I gave very careful consideration before attempting to do it again lol and I certainly never hated my parents because of it. Too many kids these days get away with obscene behaviour and as they get older they just get worse to the point of being total little ****.
Not disciplining kids is the reason why there are so many nasty little devils in school playgrounds giving other kids a hard time and behaving so badly.
29 April 2003, 11:06 AM
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Clarebabes
this is what was so annoying my wife had been looking forward to It's a Celeb get me out of here and just as it was about to start all hell kicks off 'cause I say I'll take her up to bed so the wife can watch her program
she's an only child I wonder if this makes a difference
this is what was so annoying my wife had been looking forward to It's a Celeb get me out of here and just as it was about to start all hell kicks off 'cause I say I'll take her up to bed so the wife can watch her program
she's an only child I wonder if this makes a difference
29 April 2003, 11:09 AM
#16
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CC I reckon that the back of the hand and the back of the thigh are really the only places to give a light slap so its just enough
to sting but nothing more.
My son certainly doesn't like having his hand slapped and it has been a good deterrent so far when I have had to do it. A stinging hand for a few mins is on their mind as they continue to play with their toys.
to sting but nothing more.
My son certainly doesn't like having his hand slapped and it has been a good deterrent so far when I have had to do it. A stinging hand for a few mins is on their mind as they continue to play with their toys.
29 April 2003, 11:12 AM
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thing is am worried she'll go to school and say her daddy's hit her which is going to be total b0llocks but there's bound to be some namby pamby liberal type who'll take it the wrong way and next thing ther'll be some friggin health visitor coming round
as a parent I feel totally powerless to do anything....you say don't do something and the child can say (not in these exact words obviously) "**** off I'll do as I like and there aint nothing you can do about it"
as a parent I feel totally powerless to do anything....you say don't do something and the child can say (not in these exact words obviously) "**** off I'll do as I like and there aint nothing you can do about it"
29 April 2003, 11:19 AM
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CC that problem can only really arise though if a mark is left on the child. A slap to the hand or leg isn't going to bruise or be enough to inflict any sort of mark apart from a bit of redness for no more than about 5 mins. I think a very important part is to explain after a slap/smack why they were given it in the first place and that a sit down and chat makes them understand they did wrong. A smack on its own and then walking away will just leave the kid confused I reckon and lead to more problems like saying daddy hit me. Having a chat about it afterwards even if they are sulking plays on their mind as they are made aware of what they have done wrong and why and I think it is much more of a detterent than just a smack on its own.
I know every child is different, just this is something I have noticed with my little boy.
I know every child is different, just this is something I have noticed with my little boy.
29 April 2003, 11:20 AM
#19
I'm with CC regards bed-times...
Hacks me off that she's not anywhere near bed @ 19:30 when I get home. Wife puts it down to lifestyle/work but I really draw the line when its 20:00 & she's nowhere near
Sprog plays up of course & that just makes it worse.
If I'm @ home b4 wifey then its in bed, teeth, story blah by 19:30
Ez gets a smacked wrist when she's very naughty but that is for total willful disobeidience after she's been warned. Sometimes the bum for VERY VERY naughty.
I'm not a petty hitler but I feel that we should instill a certain amount of discipline in Ez, but continuously over-ruled/over-turned by wife, so makes it hard.
Don't start me on sleep patterns as 9/10 Ez sleeps with wife if she wakes up in the middle of the night or just "demands" that she sleeps with mummy when she goes to bed @ 22:00
Its not easy being a parent!
Hacks me off that she's not anywhere near bed @ 19:30 when I get home. Wife puts it down to lifestyle/work but I really draw the line when its 20:00 & she's nowhere near
Sprog plays up of course & that just makes it worse.
If I'm @ home b4 wifey then its in bed, teeth, story blah by 19:30
Ez gets a smacked wrist when she's very naughty but that is for total willful disobeidience after she's been warned. Sometimes the bum for VERY VERY naughty.
I'm not a petty hitler but I feel that we should instill a certain amount of discipline in Ez, but continuously over-ruled/over-turned by wife, so makes it hard.
Don't start me on sleep patterns as 9/10 Ez sleeps with wife if she wakes up in the middle of the night or just "demands" that she sleeps with mummy when she goes to bed @ 22:00
Its not easy being a parent!
29 April 2003, 11:30 AM
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Bit of an issue for me this one, since Mrs Zax had a 5 year old youngster when we met who was (to put it politely) a spoilt brat.
Never been smacked, but unfortunately never really been disciplined either. Things are getting better now and she pretty much behaves herself with me and we get on very well, but the difference when her mum is around is incredible, she almost reverts to her old ways. I'm no child rearing expert - was raised the traditional way with a clip round the ear when I deserved it (which was often) but I rarely defied my parents as kids seem to do nowadays.
I certainly wouldn't smack her, and rarely raise my voice (so when I do she knows it's pretty serious). She's cut right down on the crying and screaming when she found it didn't really work with me.
In my un-expert opinion the cause was her mother's insistence that every problem should be "talked about". That meant that every time she refused to do something or behaved in a difficult manner the only way through the situation was to talk gently to her until she got her way
To this day I have never seen her mother "punish" her, either physically or by early bedtime/taking away something/cancelling planned treats etc. She does use rewards though. I don't agree with this, too much carrot and no stick! Problem is she's come to accept that her mother will always be this way, so change is difficult for both parties. Since I was a "new person" we started with a blank sheet and she soon accepted that I wouldn't be the same.
I've found that making sure she gets enough rest (early bedtime) and enough food gets me 50% of the way there...
Never been smacked, but unfortunately never really been disciplined either. Things are getting better now and she pretty much behaves herself with me and we get on very well, but the difference when her mum is around is incredible, she almost reverts to her old ways. I'm no child rearing expert - was raised the traditional way with a clip round the ear when I deserved it (which was often) but I rarely defied my parents as kids seem to do nowadays.
I certainly wouldn't smack her, and rarely raise my voice (so when I do she knows it's pretty serious). She's cut right down on the crying and screaming when she found it didn't really work with me.
In my un-expert opinion the cause was her mother's insistence that every problem should be "talked about". That meant that every time she refused to do something or behaved in a difficult manner the only way through the situation was to talk gently to her until she got her way
To this day I have never seen her mother "punish" her, either physically or by early bedtime/taking away something/cancelling planned treats etc. She does use rewards though. I don't agree with this, too much carrot and no stick! Problem is she's come to accept that her mother will always be this way, so change is difficult for both parties. Since I was a "new person" we started with a blank sheet and she soon accepted that I wouldn't be the same.I've found that making sure she gets enough rest (early bedtime) and enough food gets me 50% of the way there...
29 April 2003, 11:30 AM
#21
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my wife is way way too soft with her......must be a mother thing...bit of a politcal hot potato this one but in an ideal world I think a child needs a father too
29 April 2003, 11:38 AM
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Routine helps - mine are in the bath at 6:30 ish, then they read us a book, have some milk while we read a story then bed by 7-7:30.
I found 3 was about the worst age - I did smack them - hand or **** depending on severity.
As they've got older they are more open to threats of withdrawing something if they are bad. I also find making them stand in the corner facing the wall works well. However, if they ever loose it then a smack still work wonders.
I found 3 was about the worst age - I did smack them - hand or **** depending on severity.
As they've got older they are more open to threats of withdrawing something if they are bad. I also find making them stand in the corner facing the wall works well. However, if they ever loose it then a smack still work wonders.
29 April 2003, 11:42 AM
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I've no idea about kids... I will just remind everyone that we were kids once!
Mum tells a story about when I was about 5 and was doing something wrong - Obviously I got a good whack round the backside - I then turned round to Mum and said to her "You big bully!!", and she went away feeling rather guilty for the rest of the day... (We laugh about it now)
My conclusion - it's too easy to be manipulated by a reasonably smart kid...
Mum tells a story about when I was about 5 and was doing something wrong - Obviously I got a good whack round the backside - I then turned round to Mum and said to her "You big bully!!", and she went away feeling rather guilty for the rest of the day... (We laugh about it now)
My conclusion - it's too easy to be manipulated by a reasonably smart kid...
29 April 2003, 11:52 AM
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must be a mother thing
Bedtime must be structured and at the same time every night. My Mum read an article somewhere that kids need a routine to make them feel safe. If something has changed like for example, us just moving, this put the routine out for a couple of weeks and she was a nightmare. As soon as things have settled down again, she is being what I would call a normal 4 year old.
Hollie goes to nursery as well which instills a great routine on her. They have meals at the same time, activities etc... Not only does this help her interaction skills, but also tires her out for the night ahead.
I don't know what the concensus is on this, but I'm sure girls are worse. Very stubborn and won't let others help. Always have to be right and scream if they don't get their own way. Must be training for later life I guess
29 April 2003, 11:55 AM
#27
Agree on the girlie thing - dunno where she gets it from
Ez is @ nursery (2) 5 days a week & they're excellent with them. Get her to do things we wouldn't have a chance of
I'll talk to wife about "structured" living but its she who is totally disorganised most of the time...
Ez is @ nursery (2) 5 days a week & they're excellent with them. Get her to do things we wouldn't have a chance of
I'll talk to wife about "structured" living but its she who is totally disorganised most of the time...
29 April 2003, 12:03 PM
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Puff, yeah, I know what you mean about the structured thing, it is very difficult to discipline yourself to do it! But, the benefits are there for all to see. Put the effort in now and you will reap the rewards..... Promise.
Perhaps I should write a book?
Perhaps I should write a book?
29 April 2003, 12:05 PM
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....and never give in on their own bed - we had to persevere for a few weeks, but they always stay in their room once they've gone to bed - occasionally we'll let them draw or play if they are really not tired, but they never come back down stairs and never come into our bed before the morning and we say they can.