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28 March 2003, 04:18 PM
#11
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Location: French side of the border at Geneva, Switzerland
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Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, by carrying it round with you in one or two plastic buckets.
[Edited by STi-Frenchie - 3/28/2003 4:19:33 PM]
[Edited by STi-Frenchie - 3/28/2003 4:19:33 PM]
28 March 2003, 04:23 PM
#12
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Housewives. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
28 March 2003, 05:24 PM
#14
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All from viz but - its friday 
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
Have all your ***** at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.
Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have
sex without waking her up.
Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be
worn around the neck.
Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
Toffee.
Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn
back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.
Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
holes.
Dyslexics - Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
OLD telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air-filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire. Probably.
TRANSFORM your garden into a Eurodisney style theme park by charging your neighbour 20 to get in, 5 for an icecream and then make him wait 4 hours for a ride on your lawnmower.
FELLAS. A fun way to keep warm on cold winter nights is to fill your inflatable sex doll with hot water.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your loft.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
Have all your ***** at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker
"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be
dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.
Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking
them to wrap it.
A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an
ideal "car" for snakes.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.
Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,
or set fire to someone else's house.
Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the
tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have
sex without waking her up.
Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and
attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be
worn around the neck.
Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
Toffee.
Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn
back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with
a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off
the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic
and dangerous landings.
Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The
Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their
holes.
Dyslexics - Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
OLD telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air-filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire. Probably.
TRANSFORM your garden into a Eurodisney style theme park by charging your neighbour 20 to get in, 5 for an icecream and then make him wait 4 hours for a ride on your lawnmower.
FELLAS. A fun way to keep warm on cold winter nights is to fill your inflatable sex doll with hot water.
28 March 2003, 05:40 PM
#15
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Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: same time, different place
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Playing loud music can annoy your neighbours. Another good way is to set light to their dustbin.
Stop your bread from drying out overnight by keeping it in a bucket of water.
If your car does not have an airbag fitted, strap an inflatable paddling pool to the steering wheel connected to a footpump by the brake pedal. In the event of an accident, pump rapidly to inflate the paddling pool.
Stop your bread from drying out overnight by keeping it in a bucket of water.
If your car does not have an airbag fitted, strap an inflatable paddling pool to the steering wheel connected to a footpump by the brake pedal. In the event of an accident, pump rapidly to inflate the paddling pool.
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