Tommy Cooper Jokes
17 March 2003, 07:12 PM
#1
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Sheer Class 
Might be a 'scooby in the lake' post, but I don't care - the guy was a genius. Enjoy 
Some of Tommy Cooper's Finest
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
So I went to the dentist
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says
The bartender promptly serves up a beer
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are
5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks
They charged one and let the other one off
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
You know those Mange-tout? They're really nice but I couldn't eat a whole one
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
Chris
Might be a 'scooby in the lake' post, but I don't care - the guy was a genius. Enjoy Some of Tommy Cooper's Finest
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
So I went to the dentist
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says
The bartender promptly serves up a beer
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are
5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my
mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks
They charged one and let the other one off
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
You know those Mange-tout? They're really nice but I couldn't eat a whole one
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
Chris
17 March 2003, 09:13 PM
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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
It's the way he came out with such obvious jokes that was so great
17 March 2003, 10:08 PM
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These two:
don't sound like Tommy Cooper jokes to me 
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says
The bartender promptly serves up a beer
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
The bartender promptly serves up a beer
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
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18 March 2003, 09:57 AM
#8
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Not Tommy's but here are couple IIRC
"Slept like a log last night - woke up in the fireplace"
"Dreamt I was eating a marshmallow - woke up to find my pillow missing"
I was hitchhiking in the States. This lovely girl pulls over and I say "Give me a lift?" She says "You look just great...."
Went to my doctor with a bad foot. I say what do I do? He says "Limp"
RIP
"Slept like a log last night - woke up in the fireplace"
"Dreamt I was eating a marshmallow - woke up to find my pillow missing"
I was hitchhiking in the States. This lovely girl pulls over and I say "Give me a lift?" She says "You look just great...."
Went to my doctor with a bad foot. I say what do I do? He says "Limp"
RIP
18 March 2003, 09:59 AM
#9
so I was at the dentists and the chairs normally move up and down but this one moved backwards and forwards and I thought this is unusual and the dentist said mr cooper, please get out of the filing cabinet
18 March 2003, 09:59 AM
#10
its strange - you stand in the middle of a library and scream AAAARRRGHHH!! and people stare at you - you stand in the middle of an airplane and do the same and everybody joins in
18 March 2003, 10:06 AM
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I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road
18 March 2003, 10:16 AM
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We took some bits and pieces we found in the loft to the local antiques expert. He said, "What you've got there is a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius.
Unfortunately... Rembrandt made terrible violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Repetition Filter On
Unfortunately... Rembrandt made terrible violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Repetition Filter On
19 March 2003, 12:39 AM
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Man goes into the doctors and says "doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog", doc says "get up on the couch and tell me about it", man says "I can't, I'm not allowed on the furniture".
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