classicrs

>Dear Tech Support:
>
> Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that
>the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,
>limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
>flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition,
>Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9
>but installed undesirable programs such as Premier League 5.0 and European
>Champions League 3.0.
>Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the
>system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
>avail.
>
>Desperate
>
>Dear Desperate,
>
>Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0
>is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED
>ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
>applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause
>Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or
>Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly"
>wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend
>program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
>In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
>and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional
>software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and
>Lingerie 5.3.
>
> Tech Support
--------------------------------------------
> > Enjoy!

> > >What's so good about an Ethiopian Blow-job?

> > > >>>You know she'll swallow.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

> > > >>>Ask your mother.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

> > > >>>Give him a used tampon & ask him which period it came

> > > >>>from.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

> > > >>>Wiped his ****.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How can you tell if your wife is dead?

> > > >>>The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have

> > > >>>in common?

> > > >>>They both get to smell the goods but neither one can

> > > >>>taste it.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?

> > > >>>The cake jumps out of the girl.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

> > > >>>Full.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How is pubic hair like parsley?

> > > >>>You push it to the side before you start eating.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at

> > > >>>you, what have you done wrong?

> > > >>>Made her chain too long.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's somewhat brown & often found in children's

> > > >>>underpants?

> > > >>>Michael Jackson's hand.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same?

> > > >>>By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all

> > > >>>you have left is the greasy box to

> > > >>>put your bone in.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How are tornadoes & marriage alike?

> > > >>>They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the

> > > >>>end you lose your house.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

> > > >>>Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in

> > > >>>the US.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's the difference between a bitch & a *****?

> > > >>>A ***** sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch

> > > >>>sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's the difference between love, true love & showing

> > > >>>off?

> > > >>>Spitting, swallowing & gargling

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What 3 words do you dread most while making love?

> > > >>>"Honey, I'm home."

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why don't they teach Highway Code & sex education on the

> > > >>>same day in Iraq?

> > > >>>They don't want to wear out the camel.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's the difference between a Catholic wife & a Jewish

> > > >>>wife?

> > > >>>A Catholic wife has real orgasms & fake jewellery.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Do you know why women fake orgasm?

> > > >>>Because men fake foreplay.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting

> circumcised?

> > > >>>When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole *****!

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's the difference between a G-Spot & a golf ball?

> > > >>>A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?

> > > >>>She knows she's given her last blow job.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What did one gay sperm say to another?

> > > >>>How do we find an egg in all of this ****?

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What did the elephant say to the naked man?

> > > >>>It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

> > > >>>Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How do you find a blonde in long grass?

> > > >>>Pleasing!

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What has seventy-five ***** & screws old ladies?

> > > >>>Bingo.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How do little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when

> > > >>>it is bedtime?

> > > >>>When the big hand touches the little hand...

> > > >>>

> > > >>>When is a pixie not a pixie?

> > > >>>When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a

> > > >>>goblin'.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's the definition of a Yankee?

> > > >>>Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?

> > > >>>The tongue's still in the envelope.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs,

> > > >>>blow job?

> > > >>>The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, & your

> > > >>>meat, but you just can't beat a blow job.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What is the definition of Confidence?

> > > >>>When your wife catches you in bed with another woman &

> > > >>>you slap her on the *** & say, "You're next!"

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing

> > > >>>board?

> > > >>>It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's pink & hard?

> > > >>>A pig with a flick knife.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why do blondes have more fun?

> > > >>>They are easier to keep amused.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why do seagulls have wings?

> > > >>>To beat the gypsies to the tip.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why did God invent alcohol?

> > > >>>So fat people can get laid.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?

> > > >>>Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!"

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?

> > > >>>Your last blow job.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why did god create women?

> > > >>>Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's 100 yds long & smells of ****?

> > > >>>The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus?

> > > >>>One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives

> > > >>>in the sea.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

> > > >>>None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping

> > > >>>with Darkness'.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why don't blind people skydive?

> > > >>>It scares the **** out of the dog.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What have women & condoms got in common?

> > > >>>Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of

> > > >>>your

> > > >>>****.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's the difference between PMT & BSE?

> > > >>>One's mad cow's disease & the other's an agricultural

> > > >>>problem.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What will Postman Pat be called when he retires?

> > > >>>Pat

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How do you make a dog drink?

> > > >>>Put it in a liquidizer.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's got four legs & an arm?

> > > >>>A Rottweiler.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What do you call bears with no ears?

> > > >>>B.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's got two legs & bleeds?

> > > >>>Half a dog..

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What do you do if your boiler explodes?

> > > >>>Buy her some flowers.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the

> > > >>>second

> > > >>>date?

> > > >>>Patient!!

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What is the definition of confusion?

> > > >>>Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

> > > >>>A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How is ***** like a grapefruit?

> > > >>>The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality)

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

> > > >>>No one to talk to during orgasm.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

> > > >>>The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a

> > > >>>dozen

> > > >>>donuts.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

> > > >>>She is the one who can eat the last donut!

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How do you turn a fox into a cow?

> > > >>>Marry it!

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How can you tell soap operas are fictional?

> > > >>>In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why does the bride always wear white?

> > > >>>Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove

> > > >>>and refrigerator..

> > > >>>

> > > >>>I am so good in bed that when I have sex even the

> > > >>>neighbours need a cigarette.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why do bachelors like smart women?

> > > >>>Opposites attract.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why do Italians wear moustaches?

> > > >>>So they can look like their mother.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How can you tell which is the HEAD nurse?

> > > >>>The one with the scuffed knees.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

> > > >>>A battery has a positive side.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How do you tell if a chick's too fat to screw?

> > > >>>When you pull her pants down and her **** is still in

> > > >>>them.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why do men take showers instead of baths?

> > > >>>Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called

> > > >>>"Blonde"?

> > > >>>It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why do women have FOREHEADS?

> > > >>>So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a *******.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

> > > >>>When you take it off you wonder where her **** went.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How can you tell if you had a really great *******?

> > > >>>You have to pull the sheet out of your ***.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How can you tell if you have a great old lady?

> > > >>>She pulls the sheet out for you.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?

> > > >>>Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why don't pygmies wear tampons?

> > > >>>They keep stepping on the strings.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How do you know when a woman's about to say something

> > > >>>smart?

> > > >>>When she starts her sentence with "A man once told

> > > >>>me...."

> > > >>>

> > > >>>Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat?

> > > >>>The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator

> > > >>>and goes to bed.The married man comes home, sees what's in

> > > >>>the bed, and goes to the refrigerator.

> > > >>>

> > > >>>How can you tell a macho woman?

> > > >>>She rolls her own tampons.

DazV

Yes, yes, YES!!!

Neil Reay

BOB.T

nice one!
Bob

AWD

This would be welcome in the Muppet Forum...