>Dear Tech Support:
> > Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that >the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, >limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated >flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, >Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 >but installed undesirable programs such as Premier League 5.0 and European >Champions League 3.0. >Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the >system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no >avail. > >Desperate > >Dear Desperate, > >Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 >is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED >ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the >applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause >Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or >Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" >wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend >program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. >In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory >and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional >software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and >Lingerie 5.3. > > Tech Support -------------------------------------------- > > Enjoy! > > >What's so good about an Ethiopian Blow-job? > > > >>>You know she'll swallow. > > > >>> > > > >>>Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? > > > >>>Ask your mother. > > > >>> > > > >>>How do you embarrass an archaeologist? > > > >>>Give him a used tampon & ask him which period it came > > > >>>from. > > > >>> > > > >>>What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? > > > >>>Wiped his arse. > > > >>> > > > >>>How can you tell if your wife is dead? > > > >>>The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. > > > >>> > > > >>>What did the gynaecologist & the pizza deliveryman have > > > >>>in common? > > > >>>They both get to smell the goods but neither one can > > > >>>taste it. > > > >>> > > > >>>How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? > > > >>>The cake jumps out of the girl. > > > >>> > > > >>>What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? > > > >>>Full. > > > >>> > > > >>>How is pubic hair like parsley? > > > >>>You push it to the side before you start eating. > > > >>> > > > >>>If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at > > > >>>you, what have you done wrong? > > > >>>Made her chain too long. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's somewhat brown & often found in children's > > > >>>underpants? > > > >>>Michael Jackson's hand. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why are women & Kentucky Fried Chicken the same? > > > >>>By the time you're finished with the breast & thighs, all > > > >>>you have left is the greasy box to > > > >>>put your bone in. > > > >>> > > > >>>How are tornadoes & marriage alike? > > > >>>They both begin with a lot of sucking & blowing, & in the > > > >>>end you lose your house. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? > > > >>>Because everybody who can run, jump & swim are already in > > > >>>the US. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's the difference between a bitch & a whore? > > > >>>A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, & a bitch > > > >>>sleeps with everybody at the party except you. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's the difference between love, true love & showing > > > >>>off? > > > >>>Spitting, swallowing & gargling > > > >>> > > > >>>What 3 words do you dread most while making love? > > > >>>"Honey, I'm home." > > > >>> > > > >>>Why don't they teach Highway Code & sex education on the > > > >>>same day in Iraq? > > > >>>They don't want to wear out the camel. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's the difference between a Catholic wife & a Jewish > > > >>>wife? > > > >>>A Catholic wife has real orgasms & fake jewellery. > > > >>> > > > >>>Do you know why women fake orgasm? > > > >>>Because men fake foreplay. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's the difference between getting a divorce & getting > circumcised? > > > >>>When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick! > > > >>> > > > >>>What's the difference between a G-Spot & a golf ball? > > > >>>A guy will actually search for a golf ball. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? > > > >>>She knows she's given her last blow job. > > > >>> > > > >>>What did one gay sperm say to another? > > > >>>How do we find an egg in all of this ****? > > > >>> > > > >>>What did the elephant say to the naked man? > > > >>>It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it? > > > >>> > > > >>>How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? > > > >>>Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb. > > > >>> > > > >>>How do you find a blonde in long grass? > > > >>>Pleasing! > > > >>> > > > >>>What has seventy-five balls & screws old ladies? > > > >>>Bingo. > > > >>> > > > >>>How do little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when > > > >>>it is bedtime? > > > >>>When the big hand touches the little hand... > > > >>> > > > >>>When is a pixie not a pixie? > > > >>>When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a > > > >>>goblin'. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's the definition of a Yankee? > > > >>>Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself. > > > >>> > > > >>>How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper? > > > >>>The tongue's still in the envelope. > > > >>> > > > >>>Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, > > > >>>blow job? > > > >>>The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, & your > > > >>>meat, but you just can't beat a blow job. > > > >>> > > > >>>What is the definition of Confidence? > > > >>>When your wife catches you in bed with another woman & > > > >>>you slap her on the ass & say, "You're next!" > > > >>> > > > >>>What's the difference between a blonde & an ironing > > > >>>board? > > > >>>It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's pink & hard? > > > >>>A pig with a flick knife. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why do blondes have more fun? > > > >>>They are easier to keep amused. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why do seagulls have wings? > > > >>>To beat the gypsies to the tip. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why did God invent alcohol? > > > >>>So fat people can get laid. > > > >>> > > > >>>How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word? > > > >>>Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!" or "house!" > > > >>> > > > >>>What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker? > > > >>>Your last blow job. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why did god create women? > > > >>>Because dogs can't get beer out the fridge. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's 100 yds long & smells of piss? > > > >>>The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's the difference between a woman from Wigan & a walrus? > > > >>>One's got a moustache & smells of fish & the other lives > > > >>>in the sea. > > > >>> > > > >>>How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? > > > >>>None, but it takes 15 to write a paper entitled 'Coping > > > >>>with Darkness'. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why don't blind people skydive? > > > >>>It scares the **** out of the dog. > > > >>> > > > >>>What have women & condoms got in common? > > > >>>Both spend more time in your wallet than on the end of > > > >>>your > > > >>>cock. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's the difference between PMT & BSE? > > > >>>One's mad cow's disease & the other's an agricultural > > > >>>problem. > > > >>> > > > >>>What will Postman Pat be called when he retires? > > > >>>Pat > > > >>> > > > >>>How do you make a dog drink? > > > >>>Put it in a liquidizer. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's got four legs & an arm? > > > >>>A Rottweiler. > > > >>> > > > >>>What do you call bears with no ears? > > > >>>B. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's got two legs & bleeds? > > > >>>Half a dog.. > > > >>> > > > >>>What do you do if your boiler explodes? > > > >>>Buy her some flowers. > > > >>> > > > >>>What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the > > > >>>second > > > >>>date? > > > >>>Patient!! > > > >>> > > > >>>What is the definition of confusion? > > > >>>Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. > > > >>> > > > >>>What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? > > > >>>A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it. > > > >>> > > > >>>How is pussy like a grapefruit? > > > >>>The best ones squirt when you eat them. (quality) > > > >>> > > > >>>What is the biggest problem for an atheist? > > > >>>No one to talk to during orgasm. > > > >>> > > > >>>Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? > > > >>>The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a > > > >>>dozen > > > >>>donuts. > > > >>> > > > >>>Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? > > > >>>She is the one who can eat the last donut! > > > >>> > > > >>>How do you turn a fox into a cow? > > > >>>Marry it! > > > >>> > > > >>>How can you tell soap operas are fictional? > > > >>>In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why does the bride always wear white? > > > >>>Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove > > > >>>and refrigerator.. > > > >>> > > > >>>I am so good in bed that when I have sex even the > > > >>>neighbours need a cigarette. > > > >>> > > > >>>Jewish dilemma: Free PORK. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why do bachelors like smart women? > > > >>>Opposites attract. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why do Italians wear moustaches? > > > >>>So they can look like their mother. > > > >>> > > > >>>How can you tell which is the HEAD nurse? > > > >>>The one with the scuffed knees. > > > >>> > > > >>>What is the difference between a battery and a woman? > > > >>>A battery has a positive side. > > > >>> > > > >>>How do you tell if a chick's too fat to screw? > > > >>>When you pull her pants down and her arse is still in > > > >>>them. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why do men take showers instead of baths? > > > >>>Pissing in the bath is disgusting. > > > >>> > > > >>>Did you hear about the new shade of Dulux called > > > >>>"Blonde"? > > > >>>It's not very bright, but it spreads easy. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why do women have FOREHEADS? > > > >>>So you have someplace to kiss them after they give you a BLOWJOB. > > > >>> > > > >>>Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? > > > >>>When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. > > > >>> > > > >>>How can you tell if you had a really great blowjob? > > > >>>You have to pull the sheet out of your ass. > > > >>> > > > >>>How can you tell if you have a great old lady? > > > >>>She pulls the sheet out for you. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why do men pay more than women for car insurance? > > > >>>Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving. > > > >>> > > > >>>Why don't pygmies wear tampons? > > > >>>They keep stepping on the strings. > > > >>> > > > >>>How do you know when a woman's about to say something > > > >>>smart? > > > >>>When she starts her sentence with "A man once told > > > >>>me...." > > > >>> > > > >>>Why is a bachelor skinny and a married man fat? > > > >>>The bachelor comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator > > > >>>and goes to bed.The married man comes home, sees what's in > > > >>>the bed, and goes to the refrigerator. > > > >>> > > > >>>How can you tell a macho woman? > > > >>>She rolls her own tampons. |
Yes, yes, YES!!!
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nice one!
Bob |
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