Welcome to the UK!...
22 December 2000, 01:23 PM
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This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine under
the headline "Advice For Tourists". By all accounts it was taken
seriously by a lot of people..........
"Advice for Tourists"
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to
as"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to
come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern
word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of
seventeen cents American.
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great
tosser" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile,
demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands
with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union
with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain
continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two
or three hour siesta, which they call a "****." As this is still a
fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to
oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic
pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise
and explain that you were having a **** - everyone will understand
and forgive you.
Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence
patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots
and a small knife for sharpening their quills. Observing these
customs will signal to the librarians that you are "in the know"-
one of the inner circles, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and
not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss
the librarian on both cheeks when he/she brings a manuscript you've
requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-
bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as
"cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately
owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to
the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you
are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where
the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil
to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of
Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several
times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting
your afternoon **** for).
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the
UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When
you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and
won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom
dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while
rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes
you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you
peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he does
not, you should order one anyway.
The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire
and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat
indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine
there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant
host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi
ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a
taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not,
you charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have
the driver disciplined.
It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus,
pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are
"pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.:
"Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently
try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your
requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be
the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for
free on theTube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the
base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near
any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform,
though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe
bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London
in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved
impossible to exterminate.
The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab
your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever
been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor
drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at
Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an
international Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for
"shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs.
the headline "Advice For Tourists". By all accounts it was taken
seriously by a lot of people..........
"Advice for Tourists"
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to
as"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to
come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern
word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of
seventeen cents American.
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great
tosser" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile,
demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands
with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union
with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain
continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two
or three hour siesta, which they call a "****." As this is still a
fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to
oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic
pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologise
and explain that you were having a **** - everyone will understand
and forgive you.
Universities
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence
patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots
and a small knife for sharpening their quills. Observing these
customs will signal to the librarians that you are "in the know"-
one of the inner circles, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and
not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss
the librarian on both cheeks when he/she brings a manuscript you've
requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-
bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as
"cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately
owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to
the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you
are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where
the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil
to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of
Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust
dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several
times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting
your afternoon **** for).
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the
UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her
Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When
you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and
won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom
dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while
rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes
you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you
peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he does
not, you should order one anyway.
The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire
and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat
indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine
there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant
host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
Transportation
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi
ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a
taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not,
you charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have
the driver disciplined.
It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus,
pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are
"pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.:
"Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently
try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your
requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be
the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for
free on theTube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the
base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near
any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform,
though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe
bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London
in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved
impossible to exterminate.
The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab
your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever
been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor
drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at
Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an
international Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for
"shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs.
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