Reply from the USA
17 November 2000, 11:59 AM
#1
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Dear Sirs:
We appreciate your effort to reclaim the territory of your ancestors. While
some of us would like
to think you should start with Northern Ireland, or even Bradford, the
effort does not go unnoticed.
As a token, we will in fact allow the Queen to "resume" monarchial duties. I
must admit that I am
in the 98.85% that was unaware the Queen was alive in 1776, but in looking
at her, am not
surprised. But in any event, she and the Queen Mother may resume their
duties, as they appear
to involve, well, nothing. We would only ask that, as they age, they keep
from stepping foot in our
carparks.
As for Mr Blair, we accept your generosity and ask that he spend the first
month of his "getting to
know America tour" driving through rural Texas explaining the 400% increase
in gas prices. I
wouldn't bother taking any of the unarmed London policemen, or even Lennox
Lewis, for that
matter. You think the Queen doesn't fancy Utah. We appreciate that we
shouldn't be
expecting him soon as the mere presence of rain has interrupted service of
both the tube and the
Gatwick express.
Now, in specific response to your proposals:
1) With regards to language, I turn to our unbiased neighbors to the north
(I respectively ask that
you pronounce the combined "th" sound rather than lazily using an "f") for a
dictionary.
I find the word aluminum, taken from the latin alumina,
pronounced ah-LOO-min-ah. Oh wait a minute, here, at the bottom of the
lengthy definition of
aluminum, "also aluminium, chiefly Britain." Strange parallel that. Sort of
like a list of the
countries in which English is spoken -- United States of America,
250+million inhabitants... also
Britain. By the way, Britain includes Scotland, Sonny Jim -- we'll take the
home rule option.
2) You are correct, there is no such thing as US English. It is merely
English. Please continue to
provide your version of it, as it provides us some comic relief for the
2.15% of us who have ever
seen a television program produced in the UK. As for Microsoft, they've
asked you to call back
when your nation's GDP comes nearer to their yearly net earnings.
3) We have never had a need to distinguish the Aussie and British accents.
Australian is the one
spoken by the taller, more athletic amongst you. The shorter, fatter, paler
chainsmokers of you
speak British English. Oh, and the athletes who don't understand that the
starting gun, rather
than individual whim, begins the Olympic track and field events.
4) A noble thought, but I think we should start with smaller goals.
Hollywood should begin casting
English actors. How's that? I think Roberto Benigni spoke more English in
acclaimed feature
films in the past year or so than all British actors combined.
5) My country 'tis of thee.
Sweet land of liberty.
Of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died.
Land of the pilgrims pride.
From every mountainside.
Let freedom ring.
It should be noted that I personally sang this version in an English pub
LAST SATURDAY during
a Remembrance Day celebration. Not a soul noticed the difference. But then
the Queen Mum
was brahms and lizst out of her gourd.
6) We invite David Beckham, Darren Anderton, Alan Shearer and all the rest
to come on over and
sample a version of our football. We'll give them twice the normal padding
and, to help make
things more even, we'll have the American team adopt a Swedish coach for the
match.
As for rugby, we thoroughly enjoy the sport. I hazard to guess whether too
many of them would
survive a full season playing American football, but I'll tell you one thing
-- their salaries would
increase tenfold. But then that happens to any Englishman who moves to
America. It's called
work ethic.
7) No comment on the French. We kicked them out of our country approximately
the same time
as you.
8) Agreed. November 8 should be called Indecisive Day in England, as that
was the day your
Chancellor appeared to have written his speech giving in to the special
interests and forsaking the
environment. It should be noted that November 7 was the day of our election.
We might also
make a recommendation that England celebrate December 7 as the "Day it Was
Decided We
Wouldn't Be Speaking German."
9) You shouldn't be making love to English women. It is for your own good.
We will show you
American women and you will know what we mean.
10) Please tell us why:
a) public schools are called private schools
b) West Ham is in East London
c) you insist on pronouncing derby and clerk with an "a."
While you're at it -- tell me again what happened to your empire?
Thank you.
We appreciate your effort to reclaim the territory of your ancestors. While
some of us would like
to think you should start with Northern Ireland, or even Bradford, the
effort does not go unnoticed.
As a token, we will in fact allow the Queen to "resume" monarchial duties. I
must admit that I am
in the 98.85% that was unaware the Queen was alive in 1776, but in looking
at her, am not
surprised. But in any event, she and the Queen Mother may resume their
duties, as they appear
to involve, well, nothing. We would only ask that, as they age, they keep
from stepping foot in our
carparks.
As for Mr Blair, we accept your generosity and ask that he spend the first
month of his "getting to
know America tour" driving through rural Texas explaining the 400% increase
in gas prices. I
wouldn't bother taking any of the unarmed London policemen, or even Lennox
Lewis, for that
matter. You think the Queen doesn't fancy Utah. We appreciate that we
shouldn't be
expecting him soon as the mere presence of rain has interrupted service of
both the tube and the
Gatwick express.
Now, in specific response to your proposals:
1) With regards to language, I turn to our unbiased neighbors to the north
(I respectively ask that
you pronounce the combined "th" sound rather than lazily using an "f") for a
dictionary.
I find the word aluminum, taken from the latin alumina,
pronounced ah-LOO-min-ah. Oh wait a minute, here, at the bottom of the
lengthy definition of
aluminum, "also aluminium, chiefly Britain." Strange parallel that. Sort of
like a list of the
countries in which English is spoken -- United States of America,
250+million inhabitants... also
Britain. By the way, Britain includes Scotland, Sonny Jim -- we'll take the
home rule option.
2) You are correct, there is no such thing as US English. It is merely
English. Please continue to
provide your version of it, as it provides us some comic relief for the
2.15% of us who have ever
seen a television program produced in the UK. As for Microsoft, they've
asked you to call back
when your nation's GDP comes nearer to their yearly net earnings.
3) We have never had a need to distinguish the Aussie and British accents.
Australian is the one
spoken by the taller, more athletic amongst you. The shorter, fatter, paler
chainsmokers of you
speak British English. Oh, and the athletes who don't understand that the
starting gun, rather
than individual whim, begins the Olympic track and field events.
4) A noble thought, but I think we should start with smaller goals.
Hollywood should begin casting
English actors. How's that? I think Roberto Benigni spoke more English in
acclaimed feature
films in the past year or so than all British actors combined.
5) My country 'tis of thee.
Sweet land of liberty.
Of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died.
Land of the pilgrims pride.
From every mountainside.
Let freedom ring.
It should be noted that I personally sang this version in an English pub
LAST SATURDAY during
a Remembrance Day celebration. Not a soul noticed the difference. But then
the Queen Mum
was brahms and lizst out of her gourd.
6) We invite David Beckham, Darren Anderton, Alan Shearer and all the rest
to come on over and
sample a version of our football. We'll give them twice the normal padding
and, to help make
things more even, we'll have the American team adopt a Swedish coach for the
match.
As for rugby, we thoroughly enjoy the sport. I hazard to guess whether too
many of them would
survive a full season playing American football, but I'll tell you one thing
-- their salaries would
increase tenfold. But then that happens to any Englishman who moves to
America. It's called
work ethic.
7) No comment on the French. We kicked them out of our country approximately
the same time
as you.
8) Agreed. November 8 should be called Indecisive Day in England, as that
was the day your
Chancellor appeared to have written his speech giving in to the special
interests and forsaking the
environment. It should be noted that November 7 was the day of our election.
We might also
make a recommendation that England celebrate December 7 as the "Day it Was
Decided We
Wouldn't Be Speaking German."
9) You shouldn't be making love to English women. It is for your own good.
We will show you
American women and you will know what we mean.
10) Please tell us why:
a) public schools are called private schools
b) West Ham is in East London
c) you insist on pronouncing derby and clerk with an "a."
While you're at it -- tell me again what happened to your empire?
Thank you.
17 November 2000, 03:16 PM
#3
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It doesn't matter how many people speak English incorrectly - it isn't the number of speakers that dictates whether something is right or not.
Aloominum my a$$....
Fight.. fight... fight....
Trending Topics
17 November 2000, 06:21 PM
#8
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I may live in the states but I still have my little black booklet with the crown on the front. Heres another funny I got in the mail about the elections:
BELGRADE- Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000
peacekeeping troops to the U.S. Monday, pledging full support to the troubled
North American nation as it struggles to establish democracy. "We must do all we
can to support free elections in America and allow democracy to gain a foothold
there," Kostunica said. "The U.S. is a major player in the Western Hemisphere
and its continued stability is vital to Serbian interests in that region."
Kostunica urged Al Gore, the U.S. opposition-party leader who is refusing to
recognize the nation's Nov. 7 election results, to "let the democratic process
take its course."
"Mr. Gore needs to acknowledge the will of the people and concede that he has
lost this election," Kostunica said. "Until America's political figures learn to
respect the institutions that have been put in place, the nation will never be a
true democracy."
Serbian forces have been stationed throughout the U.S., with an emphasis on
certain trouble zones. Among them are Oregon, Florida, and eastern Tennessee,
where Gore set up headquarters in Bush territory. An additional 10,000 troops
are expected to arrive in the capital city of Washington, D.C. by Friday.
Though Kostunica has pledged to work with U.S. leaders, he did not rule out the
possibility of economic sanctions if the crisis is not resolved soon.
"For democracy to take root and flourish, it must be planted in the rich soil of
liberty. And the cornerstone of liberty is elections free of tampering or
corruption," Kostunica said. "Should America prove itself incapable of learning
this lesson on its own, the international community may be forced to take
stronger measures."
[This message has been edited by TonyPowell (edited 17 November 2000).]
BELGRADE- Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000
peacekeeping troops to the U.S. Monday, pledging full support to the troubled
North American nation as it struggles to establish democracy. "We must do all we
can to support free elections in America and allow democracy to gain a foothold
there," Kostunica said. "The U.S. is a major player in the Western Hemisphere
and its continued stability is vital to Serbian interests in that region."
Kostunica urged Al Gore, the U.S. opposition-party leader who is refusing to
recognize the nation's Nov. 7 election results, to "let the democratic process
take its course."
"Mr. Gore needs to acknowledge the will of the people and concede that he has
lost this election," Kostunica said. "Until America's political figures learn to
respect the institutions that have been put in place, the nation will never be a
true democracy."
Serbian forces have been stationed throughout the U.S., with an emphasis on
certain trouble zones. Among them are Oregon, Florida, and eastern Tennessee,
where Gore set up headquarters in Bush territory. An additional 10,000 troops
are expected to arrive in the capital city of Washington, D.C. by Friday.
Though Kostunica has pledged to work with U.S. leaders, he did not rule out the
possibility of economic sanctions if the crisis is not resolved soon.
"For democracy to take root and flourish, it must be planted in the rich soil of
liberty. And the cornerstone of liberty is elections free of tampering or
corruption," Kostunica said. "Should America prove itself incapable of learning
this lesson on its own, the international community may be forced to take
stronger measures."
[This message has been edited by TonyPowell (edited 17 November 2000).]
18 November 2000, 11:39 PM
#9
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Whilst we appreciate that some of you may not appreciate the gracious rule of Her Majesty, and may be attempting at this late stage to chane the outcome of your elections (ie the resumption of British Rule) by shamefully argueing in front of all and sundry, we feel that it is is neccessary to respond to some of the points made.
In response to point 1.)
It seems that your entire knowledge of the English language is derived from the film "The Full Monty" people of breeding do not pronoune North "Norf"
With regard to Aluminum, as soon as you realise the the word "herbs" has an H in it ,we will begin to listen to your advice on pronunciation.
2. We are glad that you have stated that Us English does not exist, please stop using it.
3.Frankly we are shocked that you noticed that the Olympics were on. given the fact that the Sydney Olympics were hailed as the best ever, we would have thought that mass amnesia amounst the general populace of the United States would have resulted. "Surely no one else can do something better than us?" must have been the thought rushing through your heads just before you decided to forget all about it.
4.Just a quick hint when casting your next $3,000,000,000 movie, Sean Connery is not Lithuanian and sounds nothing like one, in fact he just sounds very Scottish, tell the casting chap from the Hunt for Red October
5. You may have chosen to sing that , but please remeber Commemeration, not Celebration.
6. Why on earth would such players famed for grace and skill, want to encumber themselves with twice as much padding in order to make it fair for the slow fat boys on the other team?
7. Look at a map of Washington D.C. Just opposite the White House you'll find Lafayette Square, named after the French General Lafayette, who incidentally fought on the Rebel(American) side during the War of Independance, with quite a few Frenchmen, with the support of the French Government.
You do know your own history??
8. We thank you for help during WWI and WWII, but next time could you manage to turn up a bit earlier? It's one thing to be fashionably late, but please do not take it to extremes, try and get here within 2 years of the start next time. Thank you.
9. Your comment on American Women is interesting, but if I want to make love to something that is mostly plastic, there are shops where I can buy that sort of thing
10.
answers in brief
a.) to confuse Americans
b.) to confuse Americans
c.) to confuse Americans
[This message has been edited by Paul Wilson (edited 18 November 2000).]
In response to point 1.)
It seems that your entire knowledge of the English language is derived from the film "The Full Monty" people of breeding do not pronoune North "Norf"
With regard to Aluminum, as soon as you realise the the word "herbs" has an H in it ,we will begin to listen to your advice on pronunciation.
2. We are glad that you have stated that Us English does not exist, please stop using it.
3.Frankly we are shocked that you noticed that the Olympics were on. given the fact that the Sydney Olympics were hailed as the best ever, we would have thought that mass amnesia amounst the general populace of the United States would have resulted. "Surely no one else can do something better than us?" must have been the thought rushing through your heads just before you decided to forget all about it.
4.Just a quick hint when casting your next $3,000,000,000 movie, Sean Connery is not Lithuanian and sounds nothing like one, in fact he just sounds very Scottish, tell the casting chap from the Hunt for Red October
5. You may have chosen to sing that , but please remeber Commemeration, not Celebration.
6. Why on earth would such players famed for grace and skill, want to encumber themselves with twice as much padding in order to make it fair for the slow fat boys on the other team?
7. Look at a map of Washington D.C. Just opposite the White House you'll find Lafayette Square, named after the French General Lafayette, who incidentally fought on the Rebel(American) side during the War of Independance, with quite a few Frenchmen, with the support of the French Government.
You do know your own history??
8. We thank you for help during WWI and WWII, but next time could you manage to turn up a bit earlier? It's one thing to be fashionably late, but please do not take it to extremes, try and get here within 2 years of the start next time. Thank you.
9. Your comment on American Women is interesting, but if I want to make love to something that is mostly plastic, there are shops where I can buy that sort of thing
10.
answers in brief
a.) to confuse Americans
b.) to confuse Americans
c.) to confuse Americans
[This message has been edited by Paul Wilson (edited 18 November 2000).]
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