Dear Sirs:
We appreciate your effort to reclaim the territory of your ancestors. While some of us would like to think you should start with Northern Ireland, or even Bradford, the effort does not go unnoticed. As a token, we will in fact allow the Queen to "resume" monarchial duties. I must admit that I am in the 98.85% that was unaware the Queen was alive in 1776, but in looking at her, am not surprised. But in any event, she and the Queen Mother may resume their duties, as they appear to involve, well, nothing. We would only ask that, as they age, they keep from stepping foot in our carparks. As for Mr Blair, we accept your generosity and ask that he spend the first month of his "getting to know America tour" driving through rural Texas explaining the 400% increase in gas prices. I wouldn't bother taking any of the unarmed London policemen, or even Lennox Lewis, for that matter. You think the Queen doesn't fancy Utah. We appreciate that we shouldn't be expecting him soon as the mere presence of rain has interrupted service of both the tube and the Gatwick express. Now, in specific response to your proposals: 1) With regards to language, I turn to our unbiased neighbors to the north (I respectively ask that you pronounce the combined "th" sound rather than lazily using an "f") for a dictionary. I find the word aluminum, taken from the latin alumina, pronounced ah-LOO-min-ah. Oh wait a minute, here, at the bottom of the lengthy definition of aluminum, "also aluminium, chiefly Britain." Strange parallel that. Sort of like a list of the countries in which English is spoken -- United States of America, 250+million inhabitants... also Britain. By the way, Britain includes Scotland, Sonny Jim -- we'll take the home rule option. 2) You are correct, there is no such thing as US English. It is merely English. Please continue to provide your version of it, as it provides us some comic relief for the 2.15% of us who have ever seen a television program produced in the UK. As for Microsoft, they've asked you to call back when your nation's GDP comes nearer to their yearly net earnings. 3) We have never had a need to distinguish the Aussie and British accents. Australian is the one spoken by the taller, more athletic amongst you. The shorter, fatter, paler chainsmokers of you speak British English. Oh, and the athletes who don't understand that the starting gun, rather than individual whim, begins the Olympic track and field events. 4) A noble thought, but I think we should start with smaller goals. Hollywood should begin casting English actors. How's that? I think Roberto Benigni spoke more English in acclaimed feature films in the past year or so than all British actors combined. 5) My country 'tis of thee. Sweet land of liberty. Of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died. Land of the pilgrims pride. From every mountainside. Let freedom ring. It should be noted that I personally sang this version in an English pub LAST SATURDAY during a Remembrance Day celebration. Not a soul noticed the difference. But then the Queen Mum was brahms and lizst out of her gourd. 6) We invite David Beckham, Darren Anderton, Alan Shearer and all the rest to come on over and sample a version of our football. We'll give them twice the normal padding and, to help make things more even, we'll have the American team adopt a Swedish coach for the match. As for rugby, we thoroughly enjoy the sport. I hazard to guess whether too many of them would survive a full season playing American football, but I'll tell you one thing -- their salaries would increase tenfold. But then that happens to any Englishman who moves to America. It's called work ethic. 7) No comment on the French. We kicked them out of our country approximately the same time as you. 8) Agreed. November 8 should be called Indecisive Day in England, as that was the day your Chancellor appeared to have written his speech giving in to the special interests and forsaking the environment. It should be noted that November 7 was the day of our election. We might also make a recommendation that England celebrate December 7 as the "Day it Was Decided We Wouldn't Be Speaking German." 9) You shouldn't be making love to English women. It is for your own good. We will show you American women and you will know what we mean. 10) Please tell us why: a) public schools are called private schools b) West Ham is in East London c) you insist on pronouncing derby and clerk with an "a." While you're at it -- tell me again what happened to your empire? Thank you. |
Ooooooooooooo........who rattled your cage then????????
Handbags at 3000 miles I think!! http://bbs.scoobynet.co.uk/smile.gif http://bbs.scoobynet.co.uk/smile.gif http://bbs.scoobynet.co.uk/smile.gif I don't know, you just can't get the colonies these days |
It doesn't matter how many people speak English incorrectly - it isn't the number of speakers that dictates whether something is right or not. Aloominum my a$$.... Fight.. fight... fight.... http://bbs.scoobynet.co.uk/biggrin.gif |
Touchy... Did we hit a nerve then?
Not our fault they can't hold an election properly. http://bbs.scoobynet.co.uk/smile.gif Chris |
Can't hold an election... Get some Viagra... |
AWD - I think you will find that was the Japanese http://bbs.scoobynet.co.uk/smile.gif http://bbs.scoobynet.co.uk/smile.gif
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AWD: ROTFLMAO! And Maxwell, too. Superb. Simply superb.
Original article is a doosie too! |
I may live in the states but I still have my little black booklet with the crown on the front. Heres another funny I got in the mail about the elections:
BELGRADE- Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000 peacekeeping troops to the U.S. Monday, pledging full support to the troubled North American nation as it struggles to establish democracy. "We must do all we can to support free elections in America and allow democracy to gain a foothold there," Kostunica said. "The U.S. is a major player in the Western Hemisphere and its continued stability is vital to Serbian interests in that region." Kostunica urged Al Gore, the U.S. opposition-party leader who is refusing to recognize the nation's Nov. 7 election results, to "let the democratic process take its course." "Mr. Gore needs to acknowledge the will of the people and concede that he has lost this election," Kostunica said. "Until America's political figures learn to respect the institutions that have been put in place, the nation will never be a true democracy." Serbian forces have been stationed throughout the U.S., with an emphasis on certain trouble zones. Among them are Oregon, Florida, and eastern Tennessee, where Gore set up headquarters in Bush territory. An additional 10,000 troops are expected to arrive in the capital city of Washington, D.C. by Friday. Though Kostunica has pledged to work with U.S. leaders, he did not rule out the possibility of economic sanctions if the crisis is not resolved soon. "For democracy to take root and flourish, it must be planted in the rich soil of liberty. And the cornerstone of liberty is elections free of tampering or corruption," Kostunica said. "Should America prove itself incapable of learning this lesson on its own, the international community may be forced to take stronger measures." [This message has been edited by TonyPowell (edited 17 November 2000).] |
Whilst we appreciate that some of you may not appreciate the gracious rule of Her Majesty, and may be attempting at this late stage to chane the outcome of your elections (ie the resumption of British Rule) by shamefully argueing in front of all and sundry, we feel that it is is neccessary to respond to some of the points made.
In response to point 1.) It seems that your entire knowledge of the English language is derived from the film "The Full Monty" people of breeding do not pronoune North "Norf" With regard to Aluminum, as soon as you realise the the word "herbs" has an H in it ,we will begin to listen to your advice on pronunciation. 2. We are glad that you have stated that Us English does not exist, please stop using it. 3.Frankly we are shocked that you noticed that the Olympics were on. given the fact that the Sydney Olympics were hailed as the best ever, we would have thought that mass amnesia amounst the general populace of the United States would have resulted. "Surely no one else can do something better than us?" must have been the thought rushing through your heads just before you decided to forget all about it. 4.Just a quick hint when casting your next $3,000,000,000 movie, Sean Connery is not Lithuanian and sounds nothing like one, in fact he just sounds very Scottish, tell the casting chap from the Hunt for Red October 5. You may have chosen to sing that , but please remeber Commemeration, not Celebration. 6. Why on earth would such players famed for grace and skill, want to encumber themselves with twice as much padding in order to make it fair for the slow fat boys on the other team? 7. Look at a map of Washington D.C. Just opposite the White House you'll find Lafayette Square, named after the French General Lafayette, who incidentally fought on the Rebel(American) side during the War of Independance, with quite a few Frenchmen, with the support of the French Government. You do know your own history?? 8. We thank you for help during WWI and WWII, but next time could you manage to turn up a bit earlier? It's one thing to be fashionably late, but please do not take it to extremes, try and get here within 2 years of the start next time. Thank you. 9. Your comment on American Women is interesting, but if I want to make love to something that is mostly plastic, there are shops where I can buy that sort of thing 10. answers in brief a.) to confuse Americans b.) to confuse Americans c.) to confuse Americans [This message has been edited by Paul Wilson (edited 18 November 2000).] |
Personally we did'nt want Tony Blair back http://bbs.scoobynet.co.uk/smile.gif as for the rest LOL http://bbs.scoobynet.co.uk/smile.gif
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