A young man had been seriously dating three lovely girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand pounds.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you, because I love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new footie and golf equipment, a new stereo, DVD and a month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the GBP1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. The choice was not an easy one, and after long and careful consideration, he married the one with the biggest ****.

 

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: "Don't Step on the Ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together for eternity as well.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid her eyes on, very tanned, muscular and sexy. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

 

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know." So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime." "No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

 

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he is pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

 

A plane was about to crash and there were 5 people on board and only 4 parachutes.

The first person said: "I am Roy Keane, one of the best footballers in Ireland. I am worth a lot of money and my fans need me so I think I should be saved." The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went.

The second person said: "I am Gerry Adams, a radical Irish politician who can really help my country and I think I should be saved." The others said: "O.K." and gave him a parachute.

The third person said "I am David Beckham, captain of the English National squad. I have a wife and two sons. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am stupid, but I'm not, so I am taking a parachute." and off he went.

There were two folk left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl. The Pope said, "child I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young with everything before you. You take the parachute and I will stay with the aircraft and take my chance."

"It's O.K." said the girl, "there are still two parachutes. David Beckham picked up my schoolbag."

 

 

AJ

 

LoL

 

LOL especially at the last one

 

LOL I love the last one even though I had seen it before

 

LOL Very good, love the "Have you been drinking" one

 

lol!
Last ones a cracker!

 

Pity Gerry Adams didnt get the schoolbag.

 

Good girl.

JIMxx