Two Cows
15 November 2002, 12:51 PM
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FEUDALISM:
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells
you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows.
Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the
milk.
APPLIED COMMUNISM:
You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.
Mexican DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.
MILITARISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you into the army.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an
apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
All your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
Your neighbours pick someone who will tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it.
After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow
futures.
The press dubs the affair "Cowgate", but supports the president.
The cow sues you for breach of contract.
Your legal bills exceed your annual income.
You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad.
The government doesn't do anything.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the
milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting
for
the missing cows.
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk
rights
of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells
the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The
annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad "feng
shui".
TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the
phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past two differently aged (but
no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender. You are
torn by feelings of guilt, your psychotherapist recommends a treatment
center. You spend six weeks there, paid for by the community health
plan, and graduate into Guilty Anonymous.
COUNTERCULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man.
Uh, so, like, you have really got to do some of this milk, like, fer
shur, it's awsome, man.
SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells
you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM:
You have two cows.
Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the
milk.
APPLIED COMMUNISM:
You have two cows.
You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and shoots you.
Mexican DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, shoots you and sends the cows to Zurich.
MILITARISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes both and drafts you into the army.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an
apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
All your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
Your neighbours pick someone who will tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it.
After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow
futures.
The press dubs the affair "Cowgate", but supports the president.
The cow sues you for breach of contract.
Your legal bills exceed your annual income.
You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad.
The government doesn't do anything.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the
milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting
for
the missing cows.
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk
rights
of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells
the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The
annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option
on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad "feng
shui".
TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes them and denies they ever existed.
Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS:
You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the
phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past two differently aged (but
no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender. You are
torn by feelings of guilt, your psychotherapist recommends a treatment
center. You spend six weeks there, paid for by the community health
plan, and graduate into Guilty Anonymous.
COUNTERCULTURE:
Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man.
Uh, so, like, you have really got to do some of this milk, like, fer
shur, it's awsome, man.
SURREALISM:
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
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