Beer Scooter
09 October 2002, 09:56 AM
#1
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This is quite old, but for those who haven't had the pleasure....
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking
and thought ''How on earth did I get home?''
As hard as you try, you can''t piece together your return journey from the
pub, or that party, to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the
drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of liquor. Bacchus has acquired a large
batch of these magical devices.
The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness at this point the
"slurring gland " begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his
many sub-contractors will detect this pheromone and send down a magical
Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger, and deposits them in their bedroom via
a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger''s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second
question after a night out ''How did I spend so much money?''
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are said to be
responsible for over 90% of all Unidentified Drinking Injuries (UDI).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third
question after a night out ''What the hell happened?''
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person''s REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions and comparisons over a future period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter''s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter
drive-thru food chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people''s gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently
get through 260 Camel No Filters in a single night.
PS: Don''t forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking
and thought ''How on earth did I get home?''
As hard as you try, you can''t piece together your return journey from the
pub, or that party, to your house.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.
The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the
drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of liquor. Bacchus has acquired a large
batch of these magical devices.
The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness at this point the
"slurring gland " begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his
many sub-contractors will detect this pheromone and send down a magical
Beer Scooter.
The scooter scoops up the passenger, and deposits them in their bedroom via
a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of
the passenger''s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second
question after a night out ''How did I spend so much money?''
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are said to be
responsible for over 90% of all Unidentified Drinking Injuries (UDI).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third
question after a night out ''What the hell happened?''
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order,
those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person''s REMIT is not
necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions and comparisons over a future period of time.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
scooter''s navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter
drive-thru food chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Another question answered!!
For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
other people''s gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the
stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity
springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS
(Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently
get through 260 Camel No Filters in a single night.
PS: Don''t forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get
home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
09 October 2002, 12:46 PM
#5
Scooby Senior
Mine's been modded to include the WAY or Who Are You. This feature deposits an unknown - but stunning - young lady in my bed every Saturday morning... Yeah right!!
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