bad joke alert
27 February 2016, 09:23 AM
#1
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bad joke alert
A German guy, called Karl approaches a prostitute.
"I vish to buy sex viz you." says Karl………
"OK," says the girl, "I charge $200 an hour." "..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees."
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. "You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing..! What do you call that position..?"
"Ah," says Karl ……… "zat is ze... Audi."
"Audi?" Asks the astonished sex worker.
"Audi," replies the customer.
"Four-Sprung Duck Technique."
"I vish to buy sex viz you." says Karl………
"OK," says the girl, "I charge $200 an hour." "..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky."
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees."
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees."
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs. "You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."
She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, "That was totally amazing..! What do you call that position..?"
"Ah," says Karl ……… "zat is ze... Audi."
"Audi?" Asks the astonished sex worker.
"Audi," replies the customer.
"Four-Sprung Duck Technique."
28 February 2016, 12:03 AM
#5
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Not a million miles from the chap who ordered the girl to strip and sit on top of the wardrobe opening and closing the doors with her feet. She also had to reach across and turn the lights on and off. He then got a bucket and threw water over her.
She said "I thought we came her to make love?"
To which he replied
"Make love - in weather like this??"
dl
She said "I thought we came her to make love?"
To which he replied
"Make love - in weather like this??"
dl
28 February 2016, 07:50 AM
#6
Scooby Regular
Not a million miles from the chap who ordered the girl to strip and sit on top of the wardrobe opening and closing the doors with her feet. She also had to reach across and turn the lights on and off. He then got a bucket and threw water over her.
She said "I thought we came her to make love?"
To which he replied
"Make love - in weather like this??"
dl
She said "I thought we came her to make love?"
To which he replied
"Make love - in weather like this??"
dl
28 February 2016, 10:14 AM
#7
Scooby Regular
Not a million miles from the chap who ordered the girl to strip and sit on top of the wardrobe opening and closing the doors with her feet. She also had to reach across and turn the lights on and off. He then got a bucket and threw water over her.
She said "I thought we came her to make love?"
To which he replied
"Make love - in weather like this??"
dl
She said "I thought we came her to make love?"
To which he replied
"Make love - in weather like this??"
dl
It is years since I last heard that one, still makes me chuckle though
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28 February 2016, 08:19 PM
#9
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You might like this old "British weather" joke.
Dawn breaks on a miserable morning, cold and pouring down, at a prison where a man is due to be hung when the sun came up.
Gaoler collects prisoner and slowly they walk across yard to gallows.
Prisoner looks at his escort and says "Not much of a day for a hanging?"
To which gaoler replies "Alright for you mate - I've got to walk back in this"
================
te-he
David
Last edited by David Lock; 28 February 2016 at 08:22 PM.
02 March 2016, 08:27 AM
#10
Scooby Regular
You might like this old "British weather" joke.
Dawn breaks on a miserable morning, cold and pouring down, at a prison where a man is due to be hung when the sun came up.
Gaoler collects prisoner and slowly they walk across yard to gallows.
Prisoner looks at his escort and says "Not much of a day for a hanging?"
To which gaoler replies "Alright for you mate - I've got to walk back in this"
================
te-he
David
Dawn breaks on a miserable morning, cold and pouring down, at a prison where a man is due to be hung when the sun came up.
Gaoler collects prisoner and slowly they walk across yard to gallows.
Prisoner looks at his escort and says "Not much of a day for a hanging?"
To which gaoler replies "Alright for you mate - I've got to walk back in this"
================
te-he
David
03 March 2016, 05:29 PM
#11
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Glad you liked it 300. So a final oldie just for you (out of my "clean" collection) 
Police car follows couple driving through village but pulls them over as they get past village.
Copper gets out and walks up to car as driver winds down window. "Excuse me Sir do you realise you were way over the speed limit through the village" say copper. Driver looks cross and says "Not a chance, I was going very carefully".
At which point the driver's wife in the passenger seat leans across and says to copper "Oh no he wasn't, he always tears through village as fast as he can". This comment draws a torrent of abuse from driver to his wife.
Copper then says to driver "And I noticed you weren't wearing your seatbelt". Driver smirks and replies "Of course I was, I just took it off when I saw you walking this way" Wife leans over and shrieks "Oh no he wasn't. Never wears them. Hates the things". Driver lets out torrent of abuse at wife - "Why don't you shut your ugly face etc etc".
Copper getting concerned with all this and asks wife directly if hubby often treats her badly and shouts abuse at her.
Wifey smiles back and says "Oh no officer, only when he has been drinking"
dl
Bonus quote. Driver to copper who has stopped him "What seems to be the officer, problem?"
Police car follows couple driving through village but pulls them over as they get past village.
Copper gets out and walks up to car as driver winds down window. "Excuse me Sir do you realise you were way over the speed limit through the village" say copper. Driver looks cross and says "Not a chance, I was going very carefully".
At which point the driver's wife in the passenger seat leans across and says to copper "Oh no he wasn't, he always tears through village as fast as he can". This comment draws a torrent of abuse from driver to his wife.
Copper then says to driver "And I noticed you weren't wearing your seatbelt". Driver smirks and replies "Of course I was, I just took it off when I saw you walking this way" Wife leans over and shrieks "Oh no he wasn't. Never wears them. Hates the things". Driver lets out torrent of abuse at wife - "Why don't you shut your ugly face etc etc".
Copper getting concerned with all this and asks wife directly if hubby often treats her badly and shouts abuse at her.
Wifey smiles back and says "Oh no officer, only when he has been drinking"
dl
Bonus quote. Driver to copper who has stopped him "What seems to be the officer, problem?"
Last edited by David Lock; 03 March 2016 at 05:31 PM.
03 March 2016, 09:10 PM
#12
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A fish is involved in an accident which leaves him minus the spiney protrusion on his back and unable to go to the loo. He decides he has a case for compensation and goes to see a solicitor.
After considering it for a while, the solicitor agrees and offers to take on the case on a 'No Fin No Wee' basis....
Meanwhile, there's a massive new chain of waterside discount supermarkets about to open in the UK.
It's called 'Canaldi'.
After considering it for a while, the solicitor agrees and offers to take on the case on a 'No Fin No Wee' basis....
Meanwhile, there's a massive new chain of waterside discount supermarkets about to open in the UK.
It's called 'Canaldi'.
05 March 2016, 11:19 AM
#13
Glad you liked it 300. So a final oldie just for you (out of my "clean" collection)
Police car follows couple driving through village but pulls them over as they get past village.
Copper gets out and walks up to car as driver winds down window. "Excuse me Sir do you realise you were way over the speed limit through the village" say copper. Driver looks cross and says "Not a chance, I was going very carefully".
At which point the driver's wife in the passenger seat leans across and says to copper "Oh no he wasn't, he always tears through village as fast as he can". This comment draws a torrent of abuse from driver to his wife.
Copper then says to driver "And I noticed you weren't wearing your seatbelt". Driver smirks and replies "Of course I was, I just took it off when I saw you walking this way" Wife leans over and shrieks "Oh no he wasn't. Never wears them. Hates the things". Driver lets out torrent of abuse at wife - "Why don't you shut your ugly face etc etc".
Copper getting concerned with all this and asks wife directly if hubby often treats her badly and shouts abuse at her.
Wifey smiles back and says "Oh no officer, only when he has been drinking"
dl
Bonus quote. Driver to copper who has stopped him "What seems to be the officer, problem?"
Police car follows couple driving through village but pulls them over as they get past village.
Copper gets out and walks up to car as driver winds down window. "Excuse me Sir do you realise you were way over the speed limit through the village" say copper. Driver looks cross and says "Not a chance, I was going very carefully".
At which point the driver's wife in the passenger seat leans across and says to copper "Oh no he wasn't, he always tears through village as fast as he can". This comment draws a torrent of abuse from driver to his wife.
Copper then says to driver "And I noticed you weren't wearing your seatbelt". Driver smirks and replies "Of course I was, I just took it off when I saw you walking this way" Wife leans over and shrieks "Oh no he wasn't. Never wears them. Hates the things". Driver lets out torrent of abuse at wife - "Why don't you shut your ugly face etc etc".
Copper getting concerned with all this and asks wife directly if hubby often treats her badly and shouts abuse at her.
Wifey smiles back and says "Oh no officer, only when he has been drinking"
dl
Bonus quote. Driver to copper who has stopped him "What seems to be the officer, problem?"
Extra bonus quote, driver to copper: Good consternoon aftable (hic)
05 March 2016, 12:37 PM
#14
A boy finds a pair of welders goggles in a skip and deciding they're cool goes for a walk wearing them. The local paedophile spots him and offers him a lift. After a short drive the paedo asks the boy: 'Tell me sonny, what do you know about mutual m@sturbation?' The kid says: 'Nothing!' He tries again: 'So what do you know about @nal sex?' 'Nothing!' The paedo then asks: 'So what do you know about fell@tio?' The kid says: 'Nothing, and before you ask me any more technical questions I have to tell you I'm not a real welder I found these goggles in a skip!'
05 March 2016, 06:28 PM
#15
Kids are being asked in class what their parents do.
Usual 'fireman,dustbinman,office worker ' answers.
One child then said 'He is a male masseur and also an escort offering sexual services'
Horrified teacher said 'my goodness,really???!!!'
Child.......'No,he's a solicitor but was too embarrassed to say'
Usual 'fireman,dustbinman,office worker ' answers.
One child then said 'He is a male masseur and also an escort offering sexual services'
Horrified teacher said 'my goodness,really???!!!'
Child.......'No,he's a solicitor but was too embarrassed to say'
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