I'm bored....... so here's a funny to brighten up peoples day..
22 September 2010, 01:41 PM
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I'm bored....... so here's a funny to brighten up peoples day..
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one:
"Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me…..
Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one:
"Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me…..
22 September 2010, 01:50 PM
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A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby.
The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
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20 September 2011, 09:57 PM
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I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife.
"Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her.
"But sir, I'm not kissing her!" He pleaded. "She's stopped breathing."
"Do I need to repeat myself?"
"Get your lips off my wife," I snapped pulling him off her.
"But sir, I'm not kissing her!" He pleaded. "She's stopped breathing."
"Do I need to repeat myself?"
21 September 2011, 08:27 AM
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Little Johnny is asked by his teacher: "What is the most wonderful thing in life for you?"
"Well, sir," says Johnny, "when I think about it, the most wonderful thing in life for me is a pretty girl with big t~ts and a wet p@ssy."
The teacher is infuriated and writes a note that Little Johnny has to give to his father.
The next day, the teacher asks: "So, Johnny, what did your daddy say?"
"Well, sir," says Johnny, "we sat down in the living room and drank an espresso, read your note and talked, then we poured ourselves a cognac, smoked a joint and talked some more. In the end, we decided you must be a poofter."
"Well, sir," says Johnny, "when I think about it, the most wonderful thing in life for me is a pretty girl with big t~ts and a wet p@ssy."
The teacher is infuriated and writes a note that Little Johnny has to give to his father.
The next day, the teacher asks: "So, Johnny, what did your daddy say?"
"Well, sir," says Johnny, "we sat down in the living room and drank an espresso, read your note and talked, then we poured ourselves a cognac, smoked a joint and talked some more. In the end, we decided you must be a poofter."
21 September 2011, 08:29 AM
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BBC news: Solution to evicted Gypsies from Dale farm could cost government £12 million.
It better be a blooming good flame thrower for £12m.
It better be a blooming good flame thrower for £12m.
21 September 2011, 08:33 AM
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A work colleague ask me if I'd take part in a cricket match for cancer.
Thought to myself thats not much of a prize.
Thought to myself thats not much of a prize.
21 September 2011, 10:40 AM
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I bumped into an old mate today. He said, "What you up to these days?"I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, **** heads and down 'n' outs."He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "No, I'm a chef in Wetherspoons.
21 September 2011, 03:22 PM
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Lay in bed with the wife, I looked in her eyes and said "Seeing your face reminds me of the lottery."
"Because I'm worth millions to you?" she said.
"No" I said "I wish you'd ****ing roll over."
"Because I'm worth millions to you?" she said.
"No" I said "I wish you'd ****ing roll over."
21 September 2011, 03:25 PM
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If two people having sex is a twosome and three people having sex is a threesome....I know now why they call you handsome!
21 September 2011, 09:43 PM
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One -armed waiters. They can take it but they cant dish it out..
The bbc has announced the creation of its new **** channel..seeboobies!
i watched the sixth sence in the cinema and the kid says"i see dead people"
the guy behind me says "thats nothing mate i **** them"
The bbc has announced the creation of its new **** channel..seeboobies!
i watched the sixth sence in the cinema and the kid says"i see dead people"
the guy behind me says "thats nothing mate i **** them"
21 September 2011, 11:33 PM
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Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
22 September 2011, 08:24 AM
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Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,
"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,
"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.
22 September 2011, 08:28 AM
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Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a prostitute standing there every day.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" he'd say from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the prostitute became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the prostitute's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the prostitute yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight b@stard!"
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" he'd say from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the prostitute became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the prostitute's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the prostitute yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight b@stard!"
23 September 2011, 09:10 PM
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Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence. Jane, you go first...
"…..Dough, D O U G H …..……. Italians make pizza with dough."
Very good, Jane... Now let's hear from Mary.
"…..Dough, D O U G H …..……. My brother makes things with play dough."
Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?
“My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bl$$dy hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"
"…..Dough, D O U G H …..……. Italians make pizza with dough."
Very good, Jane... Now let's hear from Mary.
"…..Dough, D O U G H …..……. My brother makes things with play dough."
Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?
“My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bl$$dy hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!"
23 September 2011, 09:15 PM
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Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is now called "E by gum"
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is now called "E by gum"
23 September 2011, 09:26 PM
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A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.."
The little boy replied, "If you rub turpentine on a cat's ar$e, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !"
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.."
The little boy replied, "If you rub turpentine on a cat's ar$e, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !"