A few England football jokes
23 June 2010, 10:20 AM
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A few England football jokes
Anelka got sent home from the French camp for abusing the manager - Capello, if you are reading this, Heskey just called you a c***"
Jermain Defoe was in a bar last night and said to a woman "Get you coat love, we're going back to my hotel" - She replied "you're a little forward"
tension has started to build in the England camp, but Fabio's told them not to worry, lots of people get nervous before they get on a flight.
Oxo are producing a cube in the colours of the St George cross. It's going to be called a laughing stock.
Rooney has been told that he can take part in today's game as long as he has a Cortizone Injection - David Beckham overheard this and is demanding that if Rooney is getting a new car out of this, he wants one too.
Just heard a man on death row in Utah has been told he can choose his own firing squad. He's chosen Rooney, Heskey, Gerrard and Lampard!
And a French one .......Avatar being re-released in France, so people can see a blue team win...
Jermain Defoe was in a bar last night and said to a woman "Get you coat love, we're going back to my hotel" - She replied "you're a little forward"
tension has started to build in the England camp, but Fabio's told them not to worry, lots of people get nervous before they get on a flight.
Oxo are producing a cube in the colours of the St George cross. It's going to be called a laughing stock.
Rooney has been told that he can take part in today's game as long as he has a Cortizone Injection - David Beckham overheard this and is demanding that if Rooney is getting a new car out of this, he wants one too.
Just heard a man on death row in Utah has been told he can choose his own firing squad. He's chosen Rooney, Heskey, Gerrard and Lampard!
And a French one .......Avatar being re-released in France, so people can see a blue team win...
23 June 2010, 10:26 AM
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The England team visited an orphanage the other day in South Africa.
'It was great to put a smile on the faces of a group of people who constantly struggle and have little hope'
said Albert Umboto, aged 6
'It was great to put a smile on the faces of a group of people who constantly struggle and have little hope'
said Albert Umboto, aged 6
23 June 2010, 10:45 AM
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England are to change their shirts,the three lions are to be replaced with three tampons to represent the worst period ever
South african police are hunting the idiotswho had no right being in the english dressing room, so far they have 11 suspects
Judge to child: do you want to live with your mother?
Child: no
Judge: why?
Child: she beats me
Judge: okay so you want to live with your father?
Child: no
Judge: why not?
Child: he beats me to
Judge: so who do you want to live with??
Child:England team
Judge: WHY????
child: they never beat anyone
South african police are hunting the idiotswho had no right being in the english dressing room, so far they have 11 suspects
Judge to child: do you want to live with your mother?
Child: no
Judge: why?
Child: she beats me
Judge: okay so you want to live with your father?
Child: no
Judge: why not?
Child: he beats me to
Judge: so who do you want to live with??
Child:England team
Judge: WHY????
child: they never beat anyone
Last edited by scooby seb; 23 June 2010 at 10:50 AM.
23 June 2010, 05:22 PM
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You lot need to get behind these boys they played well today. I really enjoyed the game and cant wait till Sunday.
Get in boys well done.
No faith you should be ashamed
Get in boys well done.
No faith you should be ashamed
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23 June 2010, 08:34 PM
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23 June 2010, 09:02 PM
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all future televised matches haved moved 2 the gay adult channel as the sight of 11 arseholes getting kicked around for 90 minutes was 2 far explicit for terrestail tv
23 June 2010, 11:35 PM
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24 June 2010, 09:44 AM
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At least the French are out……….
That reminds me – the other week I had my very first “French” Self Defence lesson……..
I haven’t run so far for ages….
That reminds me – the other week I had my very first “French” Self Defence lesson……..
I haven’t run so far for ages….
24 June 2010, 10:15 AM
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History repeating itself?
The French surrendered early, the Yanks arrive at the last minute and we are left to fight the Germans?
The French surrendered early, the Yanks arrive at the last minute and we are left to fight the Germans?
24 June 2010, 04:20 PM
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There was some support for England from South Africans in the crowd today.
I should f***ing hope so, we dont pay £2 a month for nothing
I should f***ing hope so, we dont pay £2 a month for nothing
28 June 2010, 10:31 AM
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My wife said she's leaving me because my eye sight is **** and I can't see anything.
I nearly dropped my linesman flag!
I nearly dropped my linesman flag!
28 June 2010, 10:31 AM
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The Wembley turf is being dug up again, and this time it's being laid with old copies of The Sun, The Star etc..
Well everybody keeps saying that on paper England are a good team.
Well everybody keeps saying that on paper England are a good team.
28 June 2010, 10:32 AM
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News just in....
TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland today after the entire country laughed itself to death. The alarm was first raised at around 4pm as thousands of phone calls and text messages went unanswered.
Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured north only to find houses full of dead people gathered around still blaring television sets.
As RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture.
Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said: "We went into one house in Dunbar and found three men sitting on the sofa with huge smiles on their faces, still holding cans of Tennents. They seemed to be at peace."
He added: "In a house near Edinburgh we found a man face down on the living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees.
"It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over."
Roy Hobbs, a civil engineer from Northampton, said: "I got a call from my friend Ian in Stirling at about 3:40PM
"He was already laughing when I answered the phone, but after about 25 minutes of the most vigorous and uncontrollable hilarity, everything suddenly went very quiet."
Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried bunch of flowers.
TRIBUTES are being paid to Scotland today after the entire country laughed itself to death. The alarm was first raised at around 4pm as thousands of phone calls and text messages went unanswered.
Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured north only to find houses full of dead people gathered around still blaring television sets.
As RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture.
Wayne Hayes, a special constable from Northumberland, said: "We went into one house in Dunbar and found three men sitting on the sofa with huge smiles on their faces, still holding cans of Tennents. They seemed to be at peace."
He added: "In a house near Edinburgh we found a man face down on the living room floor with his trousers and pants round his knees.
"It seems he may have been showing his bare buttocks to the television when he keeled over."
Roy Hobbs, a civil engineer from Northampton, said: "I got a call from my friend Ian in Stirling at about 3:40PM
"He was already laughing when I answered the phone, but after about 25 minutes of the most vigorous and uncontrollable hilarity, everything suddenly went very quiet."
Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried bunch of flowers.
28 June 2010, 04:16 PM
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POLICE STATEMENT: A man has been found dead in a river at 6pm, wearing an England shirt, womens knickers, fishnet stockings, suspenders, a blow up doll on the end of his todger and a impliment stuck up his rear.
Police have removed the shirt to spare his family any embarrassment.
Police have removed the shirt to spare his family any embarrassment.
28 June 2010, 09:12 PM
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Weather warning from met office, keep all windows and doors shut tonight as we're expecting a shower of **** to arrive this evening from South Africa
29 June 2010, 08:33 AM
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Landed safely back in the UK 
Snuck out through the 'back door'
Whisked away in vehicles with blacked out windows
Ironically ALL the cars were GERMAN pmsl!
Snuck out through the 'back door'
Whisked away in vehicles with blacked out windows
Ironically ALL the cars were GERMAN pmsl!
29 June 2010, 10:07 AM
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Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive.
He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely crap.
British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely crap.
British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.
29 June 2010, 01:31 PM
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England players made an unexpected outburst during a press conference this morning calling Sepp Blatter "a fat Swiss, big-headed, arrogant numpty" following Blatter's public apology to the FA.
FIFA have indicated however that no action will be taken against them, as their remarks have been deemed not to have crossed the line.
FIFA have indicated however that no action will be taken against them, as their remarks have been deemed not to have crossed the line.
29 June 2010, 01:31 PM
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Anyone interested in hiring an open top bus to go round Trafalgar Square on the 12th of July? – It’s just I've had some Italian bloke cancel on me at short notice.
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