Guide To Being An Online A-hole
30 April 2007, 04:03 PM
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Guide To Being An Online A-hole
Pretty amusing 
It's not easy being an a-hole. -insert Goatse graphic- There's an art to being universally disliked and despised when playing online games. Some people are born naturals. Others, like myself, had to actually practice the requisite techniques, day after day, honing my skills and abilities until I finally collapsed from exhaustion. Being an a-hole is tough work. It's demanding. You need a thick skin and a sharp tongue. Maybe you've thought to yourself, “I'll never be a great a-hole. I'm just too quiet...too nice.” Well listen up, noob. This guide is for you.
Before I teach you the mystical secrets of a-hole etiquette, it's important that you understand why you want to aspire towards this lofty goal. You see, being an online a-hole gets you respect. It's how people tell the difference between a casual player and someone with l33t skillz. Oops, I just let out a little secret: never spell anything correctly. The more “z's”, the better. Using numbers in place of letters is also a great touch.
A-Hole Strategy Guide
With an increasing number of people flocking to next-gen consoles and having easy access to headsets, there's never been a better time to enhance your a-hole skills. This has opened up new avenues to annoy people that you must master if you ever hope to be despised.
Tip #1: Make Sure the Microphone is Almost in Your Mouth.
With the mic being in such close proximity to your mouth, it ensures that every word you utter is ten times louder than socially acceptable. You'll hurt people's ears and, if you're lucky, permanently damage their hearing. If you want to add some style to your repertoire, constantly rub the microphone while you're talking so all people hear is what amounts to an audio-hurricane. When people tell you to shut the hell up and fix your microphone, you'll know you're on the right track.
Tip #2: Curse Like a Drunken Sailor
This is more difficult than it sounds because it requires unrelenting tenacity. I'm not talking about dropping an intermittent f-bomb here and there, oh no. I'm talking about an endless stream of vulgarities that flow out of your mouth with such ease, even Martin Scorsese would blanch. It really helps to repeat the same word over and over again, even if it doesn't relate to anything you or other players are currently doing in game. Change the volume and intensity of your voice, ranging from low whispers to ear-melting screams.
Tip #3: Ask Questions
Upon first entering a game, make sure you immediately ask pointless questions like, “Where is everyone from?” and “I'm 26, how old is everyone?” If someone says they're over 30, immediately call them old and insist that they're a loser because they still play videogames. Little touches like, “Oh, so you don't like chicks anymore?” are also good. Bonus points can be earned for ridiculing where people live. Please use stereotypes when talking about people from the south. A sure way to be considered an a-hole is to insist that all people from southern states sound ignorant. Place special emphasis on mocking all the accents you hear.
Tip #4: Blame Lag
This one comes naturally to most people, but you need to kick it up a notch. Every time you die...and I mean every time, blame lag. Follow that up with criticism of other people's connection. Tell them to get off a 28.8 modem. A genuine a-hole will never admit to being killed without the assistance of lag. Say things like, “There's no f'n way you'd ever kill me if it weren't for your crap connection.”
Tip #5: Talk to Yourself
You know those voices in your head? Let them out for all the world to hear. Have a running monologue that makes little sense, yet is peppered with insults about specific players.
Tip #5A: Talk to Your Roommate
This is a great one that really messes with people. Have a conversation with your roommate about any topic you want. Other players who are forced to listen to you will ultimately think you're talking to someone in game, yet they'll never hear a response. The longer you have this conversation, the better. The more pointless you can make the topic, the faster people will consider you an a-hole.
Tip #6: Ridicule Others
Every time you kill someone or win a race or succeed in whatever type of game you're in, make sure you insult the abilities of other players. If you shoot someone for a kill, call them stupid. If you win a race in Project Gotham Racing, tell them to go play Mario Kart. Make sure you tell people they should practice more before boring you next time.
Tip #7: Grief
Under no circumstances is a true a-hole supposed to complete mission objectives. If you're playing a deathmatch game with friendly-fire activated then it's incumbent upon you to kill your teammates.
Tip #8: Spam Chat
This tip is mainly for PC players. Type in something rude and ridiculous and make sure you have it in a copy-paste buffer. Then keep pasting it into chat and hitting ENTER so you break up the meaningful conversations other players are engaged in.
Tip #9: MMORPG Quest Questions
This is a tip that drives people crazy. When playing an MMO like World of Warcraft, relentlessly ask people how to do quests. If you actually get an answer then make sure you follow it up with a question that is even more idiotic. Ask where certain NPCs are, and when informed, ask where that location is. Then ask how you get there. Then ask the fastest way to get there. While you're at it, ask for free gold and items for bonus a-hole points.
Tip #10: Quit When Losing
If you're just starting down the road of being an a-hole, then Tip #10 is your bread and butter. Never, ever...under any circumstances, see a game through to the end that you happen to be losing. While not as effective in first-person shooters, it's an essential skill in sports games when it's just you and some other poor soul. Depriving someone of a rightfully earned victory will elevate your a-holeness to new levels of greatness.
Tip #11: Act as if You're Playing The Worst Game Ever Designed
This one is often overlooked yet especially effective. Constantly ridicule the game you're playing, insulting the level design, the weapons, the models, the lighting, the writing, etc. When players start asking you why in the hell you're playing it and demand you go play something else, you can add a brown star to your a-hole chart.
Tip #12: Ready Up!
When waiting in the lobby for a multiplayer game to start, yell for people to press the Ready button. Tolerate no delay. Demand players be kicked by the host. As an added bonus, refuse to Ready up after you've successfully managed to get everyone prepared for battle, insisting that you won't play with a bunch of losers.
There you have it, Mr. Cynic's Twelve Step Program to A-Hole Superiority. By using any combination of these tactics, you can guarantee you'll be despised by the gaming community and ultimately muted by most players. Only then will you know you've arrived. Only then...will you be allowed to use the phrase p0wn, or any variation thereof.
GameAlmighty.com - How To Be An Online A-hole
It's not easy being an a-hole. -insert Goatse graphic- There's an art to being universally disliked and despised when playing online games. Some people are born naturals. Others, like myself, had to actually practice the requisite techniques, day after day, honing my skills and abilities until I finally collapsed from exhaustion. Being an a-hole is tough work. It's demanding. You need a thick skin and a sharp tongue. Maybe you've thought to yourself, “I'll never be a great a-hole. I'm just too quiet...too nice.” Well listen up, noob. This guide is for you.
Before I teach you the mystical secrets of a-hole etiquette, it's important that you understand why you want to aspire towards this lofty goal. You see, being an online a-hole gets you respect. It's how people tell the difference between a casual player and someone with l33t skillz. Oops, I just let out a little secret: never spell anything correctly. The more “z's”, the better. Using numbers in place of letters is also a great touch.
A-Hole Strategy Guide
With an increasing number of people flocking to next-gen consoles and having easy access to headsets, there's never been a better time to enhance your a-hole skills. This has opened up new avenues to annoy people that you must master if you ever hope to be despised.
Tip #1: Make Sure the Microphone is Almost in Your Mouth.
With the mic being in such close proximity to your mouth, it ensures that every word you utter is ten times louder than socially acceptable. You'll hurt people's ears and, if you're lucky, permanently damage their hearing. If you want to add some style to your repertoire, constantly rub the microphone while you're talking so all people hear is what amounts to an audio-hurricane. When people tell you to shut the hell up and fix your microphone, you'll know you're on the right track.
Tip #2: Curse Like a Drunken Sailor
This is more difficult than it sounds because it requires unrelenting tenacity. I'm not talking about dropping an intermittent f-bomb here and there, oh no. I'm talking about an endless stream of vulgarities that flow out of your mouth with such ease, even Martin Scorsese would blanch. It really helps to repeat the same word over and over again, even if it doesn't relate to anything you or other players are currently doing in game. Change the volume and intensity of your voice, ranging from low whispers to ear-melting screams.
Tip #3: Ask Questions
Upon first entering a game, make sure you immediately ask pointless questions like, “Where is everyone from?” and “I'm 26, how old is everyone?” If someone says they're over 30, immediately call them old and insist that they're a loser because they still play videogames. Little touches like, “Oh, so you don't like chicks anymore?” are also good. Bonus points can be earned for ridiculing where people live. Please use stereotypes when talking about people from the south. A sure way to be considered an a-hole is to insist that all people from southern states sound ignorant. Place special emphasis on mocking all the accents you hear.
Tip #4: Blame Lag
This one comes naturally to most people, but you need to kick it up a notch. Every time you die...and I mean every time, blame lag. Follow that up with criticism of other people's connection. Tell them to get off a 28.8 modem. A genuine a-hole will never admit to being killed without the assistance of lag. Say things like, “There's no f'n way you'd ever kill me if it weren't for your crap connection.”
Tip #5: Talk to Yourself
You know those voices in your head? Let them out for all the world to hear. Have a running monologue that makes little sense, yet is peppered with insults about specific players.
Tip #5A: Talk to Your Roommate
This is a great one that really messes with people. Have a conversation with your roommate about any topic you want. Other players who are forced to listen to you will ultimately think you're talking to someone in game, yet they'll never hear a response. The longer you have this conversation, the better. The more pointless you can make the topic, the faster people will consider you an a-hole.
Tip #6: Ridicule Others
Every time you kill someone or win a race or succeed in whatever type of game you're in, make sure you insult the abilities of other players. If you shoot someone for a kill, call them stupid. If you win a race in Project Gotham Racing, tell them to go play Mario Kart. Make sure you tell people they should practice more before boring you next time.
Tip #7: Grief
Under no circumstances is a true a-hole supposed to complete mission objectives. If you're playing a deathmatch game with friendly-fire activated then it's incumbent upon you to kill your teammates.
Tip #8: Spam Chat
This tip is mainly for PC players. Type in something rude and ridiculous and make sure you have it in a copy-paste buffer. Then keep pasting it into chat and hitting ENTER so you break up the meaningful conversations other players are engaged in.
Tip #9: MMORPG Quest Questions
This is a tip that drives people crazy. When playing an MMO like World of Warcraft, relentlessly ask people how to do quests. If you actually get an answer then make sure you follow it up with a question that is even more idiotic. Ask where certain NPCs are, and when informed, ask where that location is. Then ask how you get there. Then ask the fastest way to get there. While you're at it, ask for free gold and items for bonus a-hole points.
Tip #10: Quit When Losing
If you're just starting down the road of being an a-hole, then Tip #10 is your bread and butter. Never, ever...under any circumstances, see a game through to the end that you happen to be losing. While not as effective in first-person shooters, it's an essential skill in sports games when it's just you and some other poor soul. Depriving someone of a rightfully earned victory will elevate your a-holeness to new levels of greatness.
Tip #11: Act as if You're Playing The Worst Game Ever Designed
This one is often overlooked yet especially effective. Constantly ridicule the game you're playing, insulting the level design, the weapons, the models, the lighting, the writing, etc. When players start asking you why in the hell you're playing it and demand you go play something else, you can add a brown star to your a-hole chart.
Tip #12: Ready Up!
When waiting in the lobby for a multiplayer game to start, yell for people to press the Ready button. Tolerate no delay. Demand players be kicked by the host. As an added bonus, refuse to Ready up after you've successfully managed to get everyone prepared for battle, insisting that you won't play with a bunch of losers.
There you have it, Mr. Cynic's Twelve Step Program to A-Hole Superiority. By using any combination of these tactics, you can guarantee you'll be despised by the gaming community and ultimately muted by most players. Only then will you know you've arrived. Only then...will you be allowed to use the phrase p0wn, or any variation thereof.
GameAlmighty.com - How To Be An Online A-hole
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