My grandad said "It's going to be a fking nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak".
I said "tell me something I don't know...".
Grandad replied "your nana's **** can take my whole fist".


*runs away*

 

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here"
The man whispers, "Yes, it is"
Boy - "I have a cricket ball"
Man - "That's nice"
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks"
Boy - "My dad's outside"
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here"
Man - "Yes, it is"
Boy - "I have a cricket bat"
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Fine"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and bat. Let's go outside and play some cricket"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them"

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "£1,000"

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess"

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here"
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

 

I can't say I've ever seen anyone wearing camouflage.

I've just accidentally cut the end of my **** off, if anyone can help, give me a bell.

What do you call a Sikh DJ? Mick Singh.

Fat people don't run in my family!

Most of my relationships are like fat women, they don t work out.

Some one keeps adding soil to my allotment overnight but I've no idea who. The plot thickens.

 

Was in a park in Bristol just before xmas and saw a lovely pair of Blue **** in the snow.

 

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and I mentioned it on Facebook.

I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"

Next thing I know 4000 fecking Muslims have added me as a friend...

 

*Lobs veg at wwsd*

 

A midget goes to the doctors with the complaint that every time it rains she gets a sore fanny.

The doctor tells her to strip off and get on the bench for an examination after 5 minutes he comments I cant see anything wrong here and suggests she comes straight back when the problem occurs next.


The following week its pissing it down and she comes bursting in to the surgery and exclaims its really sore now can you help!

The doc replies with certainly my dear and gets a massive pair of decorators scissors out of his drawer.

Seeing this she gasps and says "this aint gonna hurt is it doc??"

He replies with no, not at all I'm just going to cut 3" off the top of your wellies !!!

 

A scouser walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter & said, 'Hi. You know, I just
hate drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said,'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur & bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, & he will supply all of your
clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also
be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your
job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges, as the daughter is in her
mid-20s & has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. Located above the garage,
will be designated for your sole use & the salary is £200,000 a year.'

The scouser says 'You're bullsttin me!'

The social worker answered, 'Well you started it, now fk off!'

 

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their
faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making
love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the
Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent
it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30,
struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

 

Haha!!

What do Japanese people call their Japs eye???

 

Someone told me Blue scoobys are faster than White ones