Any new jokes going around SN ?.
10 January 2011, 04:59 PM
#4
Whenever I need to go on the underground these days I make sure I pack an inflated whoopee cushion in an outer pocket of my laptop bag. The first person that jostles me usually discharges it.
Childish but fun
Childish but fun
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10 January 2011, 05:13 PM
#8
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A cop pulls a car over and asks to see a driver's license. He looks at it and asks "Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?" Dr. Heisenberg answers, "I have no idea. But I know precisely where I was."
Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's license says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?" Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission. After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."
Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's license says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?" Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission. After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."
10 January 2011, 05:14 PM
#9
Sometimes you just can`t win!
I thought i`d be a gentleman and hold the door open for a nice young lady.
2 mins later she said
"Will you **** orf, i`m trying to have a ****"
I thought i`d be a gentleman and hold the door open for a nice young lady.
2 mins later she said
"Will you **** orf, i`m trying to have a ****"
10 January 2011, 05:15 PM
#10
Scooby Regular
Bloke in a nightclub sees a big fat girl at the bar,he walks up to her and asks "Have you got a pen?" She looks up and smiles and says "yes!" He says "Then you'd better fvck off back to it then before the farmer notices you're missing!"
10 January 2011, 05:54 PM
#13
A cop pulls a car over and asks to see a driver's license. He looks at it and asks "Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?" Dr. Heisenberg answers, "I have no idea. But I know precisely where I was."
Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's license says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?" Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission. After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."
Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's license says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?" Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission. After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."
10 January 2011, 06:19 PM
#15
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What goes...
Clip.......clop.......clip.......clop.......clip.. .....clop.......clip.......clop.......clip
!!BANG!! !!BANG!!
Clippety-clop, clippety-clop, clippety-clop, clippety-clop, clippety-clop, clippety-clop, clippety-clop
...?
An Amish drive by shooting
Clip.......clop.......clip.......clop.......clip.. .....clop.......clip.......clop.......clip
!!BANG!! !!BANG!!
Clippety-clop, clippety-clop, clippety-clop, clippety-clop, clippety-clop, clippety-clop, clippety-clop
...?
An Amish drive by shooting
Last edited by Trout; 10 January 2011 at 06:20 PM.
10 January 2011, 06:25 PM
#16
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Some cricket jokes
What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?
A vet
What do you call an Australian with a bottle of champagne?
Waiter
Why have Australians stopped drinking wine?
Because they have no openers
Australia are going to rely on two world class spinners to win their next match
A red back spider and a funnel web spider
What do you call a World class Aussie cricketer?
Retired
What do you get if you cross an Mitchell Johnson with an Oxo Cube?
Laughing stock
What do you call a Aussie who notched up over 100 runs next to his name?
A bowler
What do you call an Australian who can handle a bat?
A vet
What do you call an Australian with a bottle of champagne?
Waiter
Why have Australians stopped drinking wine?
Because they have no openers
Australia are going to rely on two world class spinners to win their next match
A red back spider and a funnel web spider
What do you call a World class Aussie cricketer?
Retired
What do you get if you cross an Mitchell Johnson with an Oxo Cube?
Laughing stock
What do you call a Aussie who notched up over 100 runs next to his name?
A bowler
10 January 2011, 06:51 PM
#17
a man goes into a libaray and asks for a book on suicide.
The libranin says..''**** off, you wont be bring it back
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
''morning he said''
The other man replies, ''no just having a ****''
The libranin says..''**** off, you wont be bring it back
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
''morning he said''
The other man replies, ''no just having a ****''
10 January 2011, 06:58 PM
#18
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A old man is looking for a dog to keep him company and spots an ad in the papershop window,
'' Talking dog..free to a good home''
So he rings the number and arranges to go and see the dog. He arrives at the owners house where she let's him in, says she's going to make some tea, and that Freds in the front room why doesn't he go and see him. The man walks in and the dog says, hello I'm Fred, I was a mountain rescue dog for 3 years saving 29 peoples lives, and then a police sniffer dog for 2 years, breaking up one of the biggest drug smuggling rings of the nineties!
Amazed the man goes in to see the woman and asks why she would want to get rid of such an amazing dog?
She replies...
Because he's a lying little ******!
'' Talking dog..free to a good home''
So he rings the number and arranges to go and see the dog. He arrives at the owners house where she let's him in, says she's going to make some tea, and that Freds in the front room why doesn't he go and see him. The man walks in and the dog says, hello I'm Fred, I was a mountain rescue dog for 3 years saving 29 peoples lives, and then a police sniffer dog for 2 years, breaking up one of the biggest drug smuggling rings of the nineties!
Amazed the man goes in to see the woman and asks why she would want to get rid of such an amazing dog?
She replies...
Because he's a lying little ******!
10 January 2011, 07:02 PM
#19
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A bloke on a night time fishing session decides to start a conversation with the angler next to him.
"Alright mate. Here on holiday?"
"Nah" he repies. "I'm on my honeymoon."
"On your honeymoon!! So why the hell aren't you at home fking the life out your missus?"
"Can't do that." he replies. "She got every STD imaginable. Her minge is covered in supperating sores and leaks a constant stream of foul smelling green goo."
"Well why not go up trap 2 and pound the fk out of her ****?"
"Can't do that" he says. "She's had a rectal prolapse and you can basically see her kidneys. The sphincter muscle has ripped and **** continually drips down the inside of her leg."
"Well if you don't mind me asking. Why the fk did you marry someone so foul and disgusting?"
"For the maggots."
"Alright mate. Here on holiday?"
"Nah" he repies. "I'm on my honeymoon."
"On your honeymoon!! So why the hell aren't you at home fking the life out your missus?"
"Can't do that." he replies. "She got every STD imaginable. Her minge is covered in supperating sores and leaks a constant stream of foul smelling green goo."
"Well why not go up trap 2 and pound the fk out of her ****?"
"Can't do that" he says. "She's had a rectal prolapse and you can basically see her kidneys. The sphincter muscle has ripped and **** continually drips down the inside of her leg."
"Well if you don't mind me asking. Why the fk did you marry someone so foul and disgusting?"
"For the maggots."
10 January 2011, 07:32 PM
#22
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10 January 2011, 07:35 PM
#24
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A bloke on a night time fishing session decides to start a conversation with the angler next to him.
"Alright mate. Here on holiday?"
"Nah" he repies. "I'm on my honeymoon."
"On your honeymoon!! So why the hell aren't you at home fking the life out your missus?"
"Can't do that." he replies. "She got every STD imaginable. Her minge is covered in supperating sores and leaks a constant stream of foul smelling green goo."
"Well why not go up trap 2 and pound the fk out of her ****?"
"Can't do that" he says. "She's had a rectal prolapse and you can basically see her kidneys. The sphincter muscle has ripped and **** continually drips down the inside of her leg."
"Well if you don't mind me asking. Why the fk did you marry someone so foul and disgusting?"
"For the maggots."
"Alright mate. Here on holiday?"
"Nah" he repies. "I'm on my honeymoon."
"On your honeymoon!! So why the hell aren't you at home fking the life out your missus?"
"Can't do that." he replies. "She got every STD imaginable. Her minge is covered in supperating sores and leaks a constant stream of foul smelling green goo."
"Well why not go up trap 2 and pound the fk out of her ****?"
"Can't do that" he says. "She's had a rectal prolapse and you can basically see her kidneys. The sphincter muscle has ripped and **** continually drips down the inside of her leg."
"Well if you don't mind me asking. Why the fk did you marry someone so foul and disgusting?"
"For the maggots."
10 January 2011, 08:59 PM
#26
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My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
10 January 2011, 10:07 PM
#28
A married woman is entertaining her boyfriend one afternoon while her husband is at work. The husband returns unexpectedly and hearing him arrive the woman quickly bundles the naked boyfriend into her wardrobe. Her husband comes into the bedroom and finding his wife naked he is instantly suspicious. “Why are you in bed in the middle of the afternoon?” he asks. She tries to explain it away “I heard your car and thought I would surprise you.” The husband isn’t convinced so starts to search the bedroom. He opens the wardrobe door and finds the naked boyfriend.
“Who the hell are you?”
Thinking quickly the boyfriend replies “I’m from the council pest control department, your wife called me to sort out your moth problem.”
“Then where are your clothes?”
The boyfriend looks down at himself with a surprised expression. “The little buggers ...”
“Who the hell are you?”
Thinking quickly the boyfriend replies “I’m from the council pest control department, your wife called me to sort out your moth problem.”
“Then where are your clothes?”
The boyfriend looks down at himself with a surprised expression. “The little buggers ...”
