My Dad left this world 2 years ago. I took some time off with my Mum to get things straight, and the single thing that let me and my Mum get over it was seeing my Dad before the cremation, (laying in the coffin).

Very weird, but just kissing his (very cold) forehead was a release. My brother didn't go through this, and he never quite got to grips with things at the funeral. I still don't think he's over it, but I (and Mum) have managed to move on.

When your loved one(s) pass away, see them at every opportunity to say goodbye. It's damned, damned hard, but it helps.

Bye Dad, love you mate! Miss ya.

 

Sorry mate. Nothing much more to add...

SB

 

John - Its amazing how much it helps to share your emotions albeit with relative strangers. It sort of crystalises your thoughts in your own head and is a modern day interactive diary It is not only women that can have emotions. We can too

I am okay - very late/early having spent the eve with my sisters and a few bottles of wine talking memories and laughing in betweeen the tears (i dont feel guilty for laughing - mum used to laugh lots and that is what we remember the most)

I just keep feeling that I wished a grown up would come and sort this all out for us.... and i am nearly 40

Thanks so much for your thoughts everyone.

Please keep this thread going with your own stories/experiences this thread is one of the only reasons I keep coming back to SNet as it is unpoluted by trolls and the berks of the world. I am glad you took the time to read it Suresh, it is not easy reading at times.

 

I have seen too many families be decimated by cancer (including my own) and it seems that we are all doomed to bear this disease for many generations to come, and until our so called modern day medicine can figure out a humane way to dealing with this plague, we will have suffer the consequences.

My condolences to all.......

Que Deus vos acompanhe.

 

Deeply moving.

All credit to Sara for starting it, people will find great solace is reading this thread.

First of all, I would like to commend all those brave people who have lost their loved ones to this wretched disease, whilst your emotions are still incredibly raw, time is a great healer. You will never forget, but the hurt does eventually go away - that I assure you.

Cancer has no respect for age, gender, ethnic origin or social status. Statistics show a frighteningly high percentage of us will get it at some point in our lives. I firmly believe that there is a cure staring point blank at us, they just haven't realised it yet, although I fear it will not be in my lifetime.
These scientists, consultants, nurses and all those involved are worth their absolute weight in gold, 10 times over. They are without a doubt the real heroes of this world.

My grandfather, a wise man with a great outlook on life. A GIANT in my eyes,[although quite small in physical stature] very physically fit for his age, he walked everywhere, [didn't drive] did not smoke and did not eat any junk food or take-aways whatsoever. In fact he went for a medical at age 60 [3 years before being diagnosed] and the Doctor told him his physical state was that of a man 10 years his junior. He was in peak condition until the dreaded C caught hold of him. Over the course of 12 months he deteriorated to a bag of bones, a mere shadow of his former self. I once asked a consulatant, ''is he in any pain?'', he said ''undoubtedly''. Yet my grandfather never once, not once complained about it, he used to say he felt a ''slight discomfort,'' but only when I asked! That was my grandfather all over though, why worry other people, when they cannot do anything about it. He died 6 years ago from a very agressive form of stomach cancer aged 64. [young nowadays]

Again my condolences to those that have lost their loved ones to this horrific disease.

DJ Vinyl Ritchie........ in an unpretentious state of mind


P.S...... Les, I hope your doing good fella

 

Dynamix, I totally agree that this is the only thread that doesn't/can't get brought down by trolls etc, it has meant something to everyone that has read it, even if not everyone has put a post in to show it.

As soon as Sara started this thread it took me a while to post a reply coz I didn't know what peoples reactions would be, it's hard to find words sometimes, but everyone on here seem to understand where everyone is coming from, it is a comfort to know there are people here, most that noone has even set eyes on, that you can come on and say what you are feeling or express yourself while going through the most awful time.

I'm really feeling the loss of my Dad just now and it'll have been 4 years in Jan, it seems like yesterday, I can still see myself sitting at the hospital, it's so clear in my mind, some of it good and obviously quite alot of it bad. I haven't been myself, reason being I've been going out buying everyones present's but theres one I can't, that's what gets me the most, and it just has to be that every shop I go in to there is something that would have been relevant.

It takes time to get over and adjust but you do get there, well it still affects me quite bad at certain times but I can't dwell on it, there's nothing I can do now.

I just wish my daughter could have seen her Grandad, he would have loved her and most probably loved all her toys and gadgets lol.

I'm sure this thread will be on here near the top for a long time to come.

 

Well said Jules. This thread should be looked upon as a little room maybe, where we can all come in and share our experiences. And help eachother in anyway whatsoever.
Never been any good with words, but I hope you get the jist.
Take care.
Anthony

 

... yesterday was the hardest day of my life so far.

Going to my mum's house and seeing her empty hospital bed. The sorting out arrangements for her funeral. Date set for the 28th - thankfully we could get it between xmas and new year so that we can get it all done quickly.

I had no idea that there is so much to sort out, like registering the death with the registrar, meeting with the funeral director and choosing a coffin , trying to decide on hymns, music, flowers, wake, procession arrangements..... just too much to get your head around.

Suffice to say that yesterday, my sisters and I were glad of each other's support.... that was f**king hard.

 

Dynamix,

My dad has had a heart attack and cancer, but has pulled through both.
I feel very fortunate.

Just wanted to say how sad I was to read your last few posts. All the best mate.

Andy Mc

 

Thanks to all for your good wishes.

Sara

As DJ Vinyl Ritchie says, you started a very special thread here and I don't think it will ever be forgotten. Full admiration for you for that in all respects of this thread.

Les

 

im really sorry to hear about your mum ive followed this thread for a while now hoping a miracle would happen and coming back from holiday early this morning and reading this news made me cry i guess she isnt in pain anymore which is a good thing just sad that its now. my thoughts are with you and your family

 

Dynamix - sincerest sympathy - my thoughts are with you and your family.

It's 9 years this Christmas since I lost my Mum to a heart attack and this time last year my step-mum was in the final stages of her battle with lung and brain cancer.

The arrangements are hard ... it is probably a bit of a blur ... people are asking you to make decisions when you probably feel as though you have lost the ability to think ... funeral directors should guide you through the arrangements and help you make the decisions ... The stuff JPL said about taking every opportunity to say goodbye is very true, but not everyone is able to do it ... I know that for me seeing my Mum laid out in a coffin well and truly bought it home that she was dead and was very upsetting, but it did give me that chance to say good-bye, so I am glad I did it ... my brother decided he couldn't face it and I respected him for that.

You will probably go to your Mum's house and be surrounded by her things and a part of you will keep expecting her to walk in through the door, but then reality will remind you that this will never happen again ... but at least you know she is no longer suffering ... it's times like this that you realise how important your family are - I know it changed my Dad, my brothers, my sister and I forever.

I did a reading at my Mum's funeral - I figured it was the least I could do for her and the best I could do for her at that time ... someone gave us a poem that is often used and it was so fitting and expressed what we wanted to say and what we knew our Mum would have felt ... not sure if it appropriate for you and your family but here is what I read ...

Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
whatever we were to each other
that we still are
call me by my old familiar name
speak to me in the easy way
which you always used
put no difference in your tone
wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together
pray smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
without the trace of a shadow in it
Life means all that it ever meant
it is the same as it ever was
there is unbroken continuity
why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you
somewhere very near
just around the corner
All is well

None of my family are religious, nor was my Mum so we opted out of the hymns thing and had favourite songs played instead ... We had my Mum and step-mum cremated. We wanted their ashes to be in places that they loved ... and that place was the same place ... we have a place in the Peak District that has a stream that emerges from a hillside and has 2 trees alongside it ... my Mum has 1 tree and my stepmum has the other ... may seem a bit strange to some, but for us it is perfect ... the place changes depending on the season, but it is always beautiful regardless ... so as a family we go and visit - birthdays, mothers day, anniversary of death and any other time we feel like it ... we get sad as we remember their loss ... but then we head off and we spend the rest of the day together as a family, recalling the happier times when these 2 special people were still around ...

Although it is all very painful and raw right now, try if you can to find a way to turn some part of it into a positive ... My mum loved Christmas, so every year I put my Christmas tree up on or near the anniversary of her death ... for me it is a way to mark the occasion with and to honour her memory, so for me the tree symbolises my Mum and everything she loved about Christmas.

Anyway ... have rambled on enough and taken up enough thread-space ... I'm sure the next couple of weeks will be extremely difficult for you and your family, so I hope you can take some comfort from knowing that so many of us have been through the same experience ... it is a proper cliche about time being a great healer - but also very true.

All the best

Nickie

 

Great post Nickie.

Les

 

i think its about time that we had a 'medical forum' in scoobynet and this thread should be a sticky or something

 

Does anyone know if you actually need a solicitor to handle stuff?

Mum had a will
All the beneficiaries get on (ie my two sisters and I)

What does the solicitor actually do?

 

Not sure if you "Need" one but I believe it certainly will help you.

I think they sort out Mr Brown's grubby little hands, taxes due and all that and get the final estate all sorted.

What is Needed as far as I understand it is an executor (or two). Usually this is the family solicitor and a member of the family - probably you.

Good luck in the coming weeks / months.

 

Quick search found this

Executors Responsibilities - Making a Last Will and Testament

Jase

 

I am the executor of the will.

I need to sort out a deed of probate I believe as there is over £15000 value of estate but I dont believe that it falls into the clunking fist of greed level.

Will do some digging.

 

Anybody can use up as much as bandwith as they like. Many people at a guess visit here as a break from their day to day routine.
I don`t care. This thread has touched and helped so many hearts, long may it continue.
Thankyou everybody for, well being honest and open.
Remember, a trouble shared is a trouble halved.
Anthony

 

this is when the vultures start to decend, makes you wish sometimes you wasnt related to your family

my mum wanted me to have all of her jewellery but someone else has their eye on it and its not in my posession. mum did her will a couple of days before she died in hospital. i wanted to stop her doing it as she wasnt of sound mind. at the time i couldnt say anything as i felt it was insensitive but now i need to do something and i know it will cause a rift.

i hope you can sort your mums things with no problems. i think i will see how you go before i get stuck in at the deep end

 

when my gran died, my mum was still at the hospital sorting things out, and it was her brothers wives who were the vultures, they were round at my grans house, and near on stripped it bare of any of the valuable things (medals , coins etc)

luckily my gran had a bit of foresight, and had a good detailed will drawn up,

so what she left went to the right people, including myself, (a table) wasnt worth much, but meant a lot to me (i was only 10 at the time),they even tried to have that away

ironically one of the vultures, contracted the big C and died herself in her late 40,s


my condolences to you Sarah, i didnt realise your mum had passed away, i still thought she was fighting on,


Mart

 

Best wishes to you and the family at this time.

We justy had to have a funereal for my uncle, he also had lung cancer, the hardest hit was my grandma because really, no parent should ever have to go through that for one of their children.

Be glad you have your close family and stick together no matter what.

m.

 

it was back in August. the link is here...https://www.scoobynet.com/non-scooby...ml#post6035551

 

Thanks Sara - luckily me and my sisters seem to get on really well at the moment (certainly the best ever ) - There are a few things that mean a lot to us each but thankfully none of these overlap.

It will be hard getting down to the nitty gritty though.

Been cracking on with notifications and the like and all in all I am very impressed with the call centre staff and the branch staff at HSBC and Halifax who were both understanding and very helpful

Big thumbs down to Debenhams and their indian call centre though and the lady that said, and I quote:

"I am very sorry to hear that your mother has expired"

Angry was an understatement !!!!

 

Bro in Law went to the Hospital yesterday. now told that theres nothing more that can be done.. treatment is now to be stopped and he's to take every day as it comes....selfish iknow, but just hope he makes it through to new year without too much hassle...never a good time, but think ths time of year is particularly difficult...hopefully get to see him again next week just have a really horrible thought that there will be a phonecall as w're sat eating dinner in chrimbo day..

 

"I am very sorry to hear that your mother has expired"

they obviousley dont get 'empathy' training.
i hated to have to keep telling everyone that my mum had just died

there is no problem on my side of the family regarding my mums things, its my step dads sister. i think he will give her my mums jewelery and i dont know what was there. mum may have written in her journal about what she wanted to do with her things and who she wanted to have them but i cant bring myself to read it yet.
long before she got very ill she wanted to make her will but wasnt sure where dad had put it. she didnt like to keep asking him for it as he kept telling her that she had plenty of time. its making me more and more unhappy about the way the will was done now. i dont want to have to deal with it so soon after losing her but it will have to be done at some stage and the sooner its done the more chance i have of getting mums things before its too late.

you are probably on auto pilot atm and are ploughing through everything. i burnt myself out and am only just starting to feel i am on top of it now, so the thought of turning the family upside down over the will is the last thing i want to do but i have to do it. my nan, mums mum says that i have to do it for my mum.

its times like this when i would have turned to my mum............

i know my post sounds depressing but i am coping well. all day i have been out looking for something to put on the grave and a card that says just the right thing. i think i have just started to realise she has gone

 

where's that hug smilie when you need it ?

Sara - i dont blame you for not reading the journal. I found my mum's autobiography the other day when I was looking for pension paperwork and was a wreck. Then photo's kept jumping out at me from all the jumble of paperwork each one cutting deeper. God only knows how hard a journal would be to read.

You are very strong though and will find the right time to read it.

Material possessions are nothing compared to the memories that you have which you know of course and I am sure that you can hear the advice that she would have given you in the situation.

Cards are always so trite and scripted - i hate them. For her to know that you are thinking of her will be all that anyone could want.

Christmas will be a hard time for us all I am sure. My thoughts are with you Sara.

 

what a journey its been for both of us


it does get bearable, just takes time, and thats something hopefully we have plenty of.

 

Same here with my Dad

In the week running up to the funeral while my Mam was out getting the death certificate and arranging things etc I had endless amounts of people coming to the door, everytime I answered and just looked at them I would just burst in to floods of tears. Half the time I don't even think I said that he'd died they just knew from my reaction, coz there was some people who had asked how he was when we had said not too bad and then they were only coming back to ask again for an update.
I remember phoning my hubby up who was in Ireland at the time and when he answered the phone I couldn't speak, then all I managed to say was it's happened, he was straight back from Ireland on the next flight, his CO told him to pack his stuff and get across to the UK. I hardly spoke all the week running up to the funeral, it was like I was in some trance and everything was still going on around me

It's horrible sorting possesions out aswell, we left it for so long then one day my Mam said she'd had to do it or she never would.

It's so crap how things work out never how you want them to.

 

Sorry to hear of the problems Sara. I have seen the sort of behaviour from the Vultures too when my Grandad died. I was only very young but I remember the rest of the family coming round and walking around the house saying that he promised them this, that, and the other.

Stick to your guns and don't let the buggers get away with it!

Les