Jokes
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From: 4am club + owns one muppet music token and one fairy token
A man goes to his GP.
"You've got to help me Doc!," he says.
"I keep seeing talking dogs, talking mice, talking crickets, and ever talking ducks! What should I do?"
"Don't worry," replies the doctor.
"You're just having Disney spells."
"You've got to help me Doc!," he says.
"I keep seeing talking dogs, talking mice, talking crickets, and ever talking ducks! What should I do?"
"Don't worry," replies the doctor.
"You're just having Disney spells."
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From: With your granny
Originally Posted by custard puddle
A man goes to his GP.
"You've got to help me Doc!," he says.
"I keep seeing talking dogs, talking mice, talking crickets, and ever talking ducks! What should I do?"
"Don't worry," replies the doctor.
"You're just having Disney spells."
"You've got to help me Doc!," he says.
"I keep seeing talking dogs, talking mice, talking crickets, and ever talking ducks! What should I do?"
"Don't worry," replies the doctor.
"You're just having Disney spells."
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From: STIFFSPEED
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! One, two, three, uh," all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."
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From: With your granny
Originally Posted by 84of300
Blind man goes into M & S, flings his guide dog around his head a few times. Shop assistant asks what he is doing, "Just looking around" Boom Boom
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From: With your granny
Originally Posted by Stiff
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! One, two, three, uh," all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."
: all tespects to Stiff
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From: --------------------
A bear is taking a dump in the woods one day when a rabbit walks past.
The bear says to the rabbit " exscuse me Mr Rabbit, but when you have a crap, do you find that the **** sticks to your fur? "
The rabbits thinks about it for a minute,and says " yeah, now you come to mention it,it does"
"good" says the bear, and wipes his **** with rabbit.
The bear says to the rabbit " exscuse me Mr Rabbit, but when you have a crap, do you find that the **** sticks to your fur? "
The rabbits thinks about it for a minute,and says " yeah, now you come to mention it,it does"
"good" says the bear, and wipes his **** with rabbit.
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From: With your granny
Originally Posted by Chip Sengravy
A bear is taking a dump in the woods one day when a rabbit walks past.
The bear says to the rabbit " exscuse me Mr Rabbit, but when you have a crap, do you find that the **** sticks to your fur? "
The rabbits thinks about it for a minute,and says " yeah, now you come to mention it,it does"
"good" says the bear, and wipes his **** with rabbit.
The bear says to the rabbit " exscuse me Mr Rabbit, but when you have a crap, do you find that the **** sticks to your fur? "
The rabbits thinks about it for a minute,and says " yeah, now you come to mention it,it does"
"good" says the bear, and wipes his **** with rabbit.
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From: STIFFSPEED
This is one of *Jamie*s' but I'm sure he won't mind me using it 
After a night out on the town,a girl invites a new friend back for a late night drink,just dont make any noise she warns him,my parents are upstairs and if they find out they will kill us.things started getting hot on the sofa and the booze got the better of the man and he has to use the loo,well you cant go upstairs,says the girl the bathroom is next to my mum n dads bedroom,use the kitchen sink instead,he sets off for the kitchen a few minutes later he pops his head around the door and says do you have any toilet paper or should i use the dishcloth ?
After a night out on the town,a girl invites a new friend back for a late night drink,just dont make any noise she warns him,my parents are upstairs and if they find out they will kill us.things started getting hot on the sofa and the booze got the better of the man and he has to use the loo,well you cant go upstairs,says the girl the bathroom is next to my mum n dads bedroom,use the kitchen sink instead,he sets off for the kitchen a few minutes later he pops his head around the door and says do you have any toilet paper or should i use the dishcloth ?
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From: With your granny
Littel red rifing hood is going to her grans when she sees the bush ratteling... so she walkes over and sees a wolf... a couple od miles on she sees another bush ratteling and walkes over and sees the wolf again.... she finally get to her grans and sees yet again another bush ratteling and she goes over and sees the wolf again... the wolf turns round & shouts"can't a wolf do a ****e in peace" lol
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From: --------------------
old but funny:
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and
two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for
free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more
o'this. Me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third
pub."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large
sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and
two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on
your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for
free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more
o'this. Me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third
pub."
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From: UK
Originally Posted by Stiff
This is one of *Jamie*s' but I'm sure he won't mind me using it
After a night out on the town,a girl invites a new friend back for a late night drink,just dont make any noise she warns him,my parents are upstairs and if they find out they will kill us.things started getting hot on the sofa and the booze got the better of the man and he has to use the loo,well you cant go upstairs,says the girl the bathroom is next to my mum n dads bedroom,use the kitchen sink instead,he sets off for the kitchen a few minutes later he pops his head around the door and says do you have any toilet paper or should i use the dishcloth ?
After a night out on the town,a girl invites a new friend back for a late night drink,just dont make any noise she warns him,my parents are upstairs and if they find out they will kill us.things started getting hot on the sofa and the booze got the better of the man and he has to use the loo,well you cant go upstairs,says the girl the bathroom is next to my mum n dads bedroom,use the kitchen sink instead,he sets off for the kitchen a few minutes later he pops his head around the door and says do you have any toilet paper or should i use the dishcloth ?
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From: 4am club + owns one muppet music token and one fairy token
Remember the little Dutch boy who saved his country by standing steadfast with his finger plugged into a hole in the dyke?
It's reported that when his fellow townsfolk discovered his heroism, they carried him on their shoulders, showered him with praise and begged him for a speech.
"Please," he said. "I've had a hard day at the orifice."
It's reported that when his fellow townsfolk discovered his heroism, they carried him on their shoulders, showered him with praise and begged him for a speech.
"Please," he said. "I've had a hard day at the orifice."
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From: STIFFSPEED
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
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From: With your granny
Originally Posted by custard puddle
Remember the little Dutch boy who saved his country by standing steadfast with his finger plugged into a hole in the dyke?
It's reported that when his fellow townsfolk discovered his heroism, they carried him on their shoulders, showered him with praise and begged him for a speech.
"Please," he said. "I've had a hard day at the orifice."
It's reported that when his fellow townsfolk discovered his heroism, they carried him on their shoulders, showered him with praise and begged him for a speech.
"Please," he said. "I've had a hard day at the orifice."
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From: 4am club + owns one muppet music token and one fairy token
Originally Posted by Stiff
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"