yoza

" I was going to do you for these limo black windows, but looking at your bird Im going to let you off. "

So far as I know, my bird is the only person ever to get 100% funding from the council to have her windows blacked out.

Jolly Green Monster

iTrader: (4)

bought a motorbike.. picked it up at 6pm so no way of taxing it etc..
took it with a mate to a deserted supermarket carpark to have a ride around and get used to it.. (back in the days when supermarkets shut)..
Police car rolls in.. asks what we are doing etc.. I was trying to distract from the lack of tax.. so say just picked the bike up so brought it here to get used to it so as to reduce the chances of killing myself etc etc.. whcih he seemed okay with.. then goes on about how many motorcylist he has to scrap up blah blah and says with a bike like this I need to be very careful etc.. I then make a passing comment that the previous owner was a woman.. the other officer who had said nothing up until then says "Did you sniff the seat?" I was speachless.. they got in there car and drove off.. lol

On another bike stopped for no apparently reason and happened to have all my paperwork on me and he checked it and the bike and was happy etc.. he then says "Goes like a **** off a shovel that bike" I tried the "I wouldn't know etc" and he said "cut the crap I belonged to a mate before you bought it IT GOES LIKE A **** OFF A SHOVEL" lol

jasey

Good few years back my "mates" decided it would be funny after a night out on the razz to throw my push bike off the bridge over the Thames (Kingston). Me being the **** head that I was goes down to the riverside to go in after it (Would have died for sure). Anyway - I calm down and went to the police station (hoping for a lift home - which I got) to explain I had been mugged and the *******s had thrown my bike in the Thames.

Didn't think much else of this until I got a call from the Police two days later. Hello sir (Nobody had called me sir before then - I was 19), The underwater Unit are in the Area and needing to test their underwater search techniques - would you be able to attend the scene of your mugging to see the retrieval of your bike - Why Not I Think .

Head off down to the River and meet up with the Plod and all the guys from the Underwater search & Rescue. They start trawling the river bank for my Bike. Half way through one of the very many onlookers on the top of Kingston Bridge shouts down "What's going on ?" - PC Shouts back up - "We're searching for a push bike - It was used in an armed robbery yesterday" !

Anyway, The divers continue their search and after about 4 hours they pitch up with the only thing they could find that remotely resembled a bike. The copper said "Sorry mate - this is the only thing we could find down there - Never mind" - I said - That's Great - You've found my bike . He then said "We've been searching for 4 hours for this Piece of ****" (Smiling) - I told him that it was actually in better condition than when it went in (At least it was clean now ).

Copper in Aberdeen when I First got stopped for speeding "Don't they have speed limits where you come from sir" - Picking up on my broad English Accent.

Copper in Kingston when I was a "nipper" hanging round with my mates "Come here you little ***** " - Opening gambit - we hadn't done anything (yet)

pslewis

Coppa, "Sir, you're weaving all over the road"

Leans in through window and sniffs breath, "You are drunk Sir!"

Driver, "Thank Fukc for that ...... I thought me steering rack had gone!"

Pete

supertouring

LOL

EddScott

"Everybody speeds mate, your just unlucky becuase we've caught you"

I actually laughed at this one. Only time I've ever been done for speeding.

carl

Why, is she really ugly?

scoob_babe

I'm suprised Shescooby hasn't put hers in here yet!!

She came off the M25 after a nice run down from ours and went screaming round the roundabout. Gets pulled over by the 'very nice looking policeman' (her words) and was asked how many wheels she had on her car.
'Er.... 4' came her reply
'Then I suggest you use all of them on the road next time you go round a roundabout then'

Dracoro

You should have looked at the other officer and asked him if he also was perpared to lie in a court of law and perjure himself as well.

yoza

http://www.funfry.com/showphoto.php/.../cat/501/page/

For whoever asked the question.

micared

Haven't read all of this yet, so apologies if someone's already posted something similar, the best line I've ever had was from a bike copper after he'd observed me wheelying and speeding on my 600 Kawasaki which also had the smallest of number plates fitted...."My name's Johnson, spelt B..A..S..T..A..R..D, and if you keep riding like that, you're gonna be seeing a lot of me". I couldn't keep a straight face, and much to his credit, he didn't nick me for any of it. We got to know each other quite well, and although he could have nicked me for many things during 8 years on bikes, he never did. When I'd finished with bikes and had had a car for a couple of years, I was on my way late to a dentist appointment, and joined the A1 from the slip road at approx 95 mph, and still accelerating. Something alongside caught my eye, and as I looked across, I was appalled to see a police bike alongside. The rider didn't look across, just extended his left arm and pointed at the hard shoulder. I duly pulled over, as did he, and I got out of the car to walk up to meet him halfway. Of course, it was Johnson, and although I hadn't seen him for a couple of years, first thing he said was "Knew it was you by the way you were driving". Didn't nick me for that either, when he realised I had toothache, he made me late for the dentist as a punishment. Great bloke.

King Eric

Pulled over

Other cars whizzing past

"Why are you not nicking those as well, they are going by far a lot faster than me"

Cop:"You ever been fishing son?"

Me:"Er, Yes!"

Cop:"Catch all the fish in the lake that day did you?"

Me:"I'll get me coat"

Scooby-Mark

I got pulled over once in my Clio Williams, which was very dirty and plasterd in mud up to the door handles at the time, on way back from network Q rally in Wales.

There was two coppers an older copper and a young jumped up squirt who looked like he may grow into his uniform in a couple of years time

As the older copper was filling out the paperwork ( we were stood about 20 feet away from the back of my car )

the little squirt comes over and says

LS "have you washed your car recently"
Me "Are you taking the pi$$ officer?"
LS "Are you aware it is an offence to not correctly and clearly display your number plate?"
Me "Yes, Are you aware there is a minimum distance you should be capable of reading it from?"
LS "Yes why?"
Me "Think you may need a trip to the opticans then as your colleague here has just managed to read it"

To which he turns round in a strop and f**ks off

The other copper then says to me "Its about time someone said something to that jumped up little w@nker he has been getting on my **** all night"

He then decided to just give me a producer and tell me to get the car washed ASAP, result, and the look on the little squirts face as I pulled away was priceless

Huxley

Hactually

This rolls on from that,many moons ago I was doing some work for my dad I was in a nearly new Austin Princess vanden plas with a dent puller and ignition barrel sat on the back seat gets stoped buy the poilce in Basingstoke blue lights and two tone horns in them days he comes up to my window, excuse me sir this car has been reported stolen would you kindly step out of the car,I comply next question did you take this car, I replied Yes , right then then I'm going to arrest you for theft of a moter vehicle or what ever it was deamed in them days, to which I calmly reply you can't "smug grin on my face at this point" yes I can, no you can't, not if you check the paperwork in the back of the car it was the paperwork from the finance company giving us the apporval to reposes the car because the owner has defaulted on the payments.

Oh how his face was picture after he look through the paperwork, thought he was going to get a good result on this stop "no Chance"


Oh the good old days of the HP company Repoman "to much political bollox now"

Apple

Somebody I know used to drive a tanker making deliveries all day. One day he gets stopped by a jumped up squirt who accuses him of not carrying a spill kit. He strung it along until the seargeant wanders over and askes the squirt to repeat the allegation.

Mate just happens to then mention that the tanker contains gas...

Seargent proceeds to give squirt a right bollocking and apologises for wasting mate's time...


I was once pulled by someone who'd a) got out of bed the wrong side and b) was still wet behind the ears, for turning right across the front of a wagon.

Got a lecture on truck braking distances when, at the time I was working in R&D at a friction material company testing the stuff so had a tad more than a vague idea of how well a truck could stop...

He thought that I'd cut it fine when the wagon was at least 400 yards away on a dead straight road. He never mentioned that he'd followed me through the junction to stop me, hence cutting it even finer... ****

what would scooby do

"Hello sir, what is it tonight? Le Mans ?"

LOL

paulwrxboro

when i was about 16 hanging around on a street corner with about 10 mates
young copper comes over he looks about 18
and says SO THIS IS WERE ALL THE **** ENDS UP IS IT
i said NOT TILL YOU CAME ALONG
he looked at me then just turned and walked away

But i'm much more mature 35 now YES SIR NO SIR
And don't hang around on street corners.... much

drjsd

My old man on the M62 years ago doing about a ton to a meeting, gets pulled over by an unmarked Jag. Sits in the passenger seat to see a TV screen, one of the first in car systems.

"Before we go any further sir, this is a trial system and no prosecution will result from this..."

Lucky sod

Chris5-0

ME "Evening Sir, got anything in the car you shouldn't have?"

NASTY PERSON: "Like What?"

ME "A driving licence?"

I thank you!!!!

Ken 275

Got pulled in at a roadcheck at about 11pm years ago. The two of us were returning from a fishing trip to Loch Awe.

Young WPC approaches the car :

"Where have you been tonight, sir?"

"Loch Awe"

"Loch-Ore? And what were you doing there, then?"

We were both well attired in fishing gear and the car was crammed full of fishing rods...

Iwan

Bit boring but seemed really funny at the time for the comedy value. I was coming back from ice skating on night many years ago, me driving and 3 mates in the car, we were parked in a lay-bye eating pizzas.

Jam sandwich rolls up behind us and the driver gets out and walks up to my window, which i wind down.

Me: Evening, what's up?
PC: Evening, what are you lot up to then?
Us: (In unison) Having a pizza (all hold up slices of pizza for effect)
PC: Oh, right, where have you been tonight then?
Us: (In unison) Ice skating (all hold up a pair of ice hockey boots for effect).
PC: Oh, er, right. Carry on lads.

Elmer Fudpucker

I was once arrested for the most henious and despicable crime of riding a bicycle on the pavement

admittedly there was a *bit* of an ensuing mellay

but we had,squad cars,patrol cars,paddy wagons,flashing blue lights,screams,sirens and hancuffs

and eventually once bundled into the Police Station the Desk Sargeant pressed his nose intimately against mine and growled menacingly...

''I know you,you've got form you 'ave!''

(****)

Little did they know they'd just arrested their Chief Inspectors Son...lol

Brun

What was the result?

Elmer Fudpucker

No charges and a written apology from the Desk Sargeant and arresting officer

I also got done for speeding on a moped once

...but thats another story

Brun

anc-sti

Years ago, when it was on a provisional licence I was out in pop's audi with my mate sitting in with me(before the days of needing 3 years driving experience). Fuzz pulls me over after driving through town at night. Comes over and asks me if I've got supervison?! To which it reply yes he's sitting next to me. The copper replies no you muppet(or words to that effect) you haven't got any lights on!! Totally genuine that.

supertouring

Was waiting in a queue for the lights today minding my own business when a panda car stops next to me and the driver mouths something to me.

I wind down the window and the copper says - "Thats a bus stop"
I look around and true enough it is - I look at him quizzically.
"You cannot park there" he says
"I am in the queue for the lights!" - I reply
"Thanks for making me appear totally stupid" he replies and drives off red faced!

Hanley

A mate of mine was pulled when he was younger with 4 mates in the car

Copper proceeds to pop his head through the passenger window

Copper - "Evening lads, anything in this car that shouldn't be?"

Mate - "Your head officer"