Best (real) comment you've personally heard a copper make...
 

The thread about 'Traffic Police' on TV made me think about this. Could be good for a laugh?

I'll open with a couple.

Traffic copper (to me when I've been "making progress" along a dual carriageway):

"Good evening Wing Commander. Having trouble taking off tonight, are we?"

Me riding a poxy little Yamaha with the detent on the indicator switch broken. So I'm indicating left, right, left, right... Get pulled over.

"How long have you been riding, sunshine?"

Me (raising dark visor to show lined and careworn face) "About 22 years"

"Then you've had a long time to pick up some very bad habits, haven't you?"

SB

Copper: "Sorry sir but I'm going to have to give you a ticket"

Mate: "Ooh goody - is it a raffle?"

Copper: "Sort of sir. Three of these and you get a push bike"

Quality.

Cheers
Kav

hehe.

There was a huge crash down the road. bodies (and doyles) on the floor etc.

Me and some other lads are watching whats happening when copper comes up to me and says
"Alright move on, theres nothing to see here"

to which i reply "theres a car crash over there"

he wasnt too impressed.

or, so I sitting at the tlaffic rights wiv my neons and this copper comes up to me and says "hey young man switch dat right off" and im like WHATEVA!!

PMSL :D

the wing commander one is class :D

Not massively funny, but it remains with me to this day...

"Next time, if you can't watch your speed - watch your mirrors!"

Parked up at side of the road, indicating to to move out of parking space onto main road, police car crawls past. Traffic Cop gestures to me in closed fist wa-nking motion as he passes. I think to myself "no-one calls me a wa-nker" and decide to chase him, as I overtake him I give hime the finger and he proceeds to pull me over, "Sir what was that in aid of ?". I say you called me a wanker !!


He said "no sir I was telling you to put your seatbelt on"

I'd been out in Oxford one evening & had the car laden with beered up mates, having just assured them I wasn't lost & knew exactly where I was going, when a Copper stepped into the road, I pulled over & got out.

"I've pulled you over for a number of reasons: doing in excess of 10 times the 3mph speed limit, down the wrong way, of a one way street for buses only"

Short of being pissed it couldn't have been any worse.

D

Copper stops me for a slight indescretion and gets in my car whilst nosing around.

Copper, right foot vigorously pumping a pedal"Your brakes are shot, you shouldn't be driving this car"

Me "Thats the clutch..."

:eek:

Not a personal one, but the funniest one I read about was from a copper describing one of Britain's wild cats (the ones that according to the authorities don't exist, but 1000s of people have seen). Bear in mind Police are supposed to be trained in being observant...

"The cat was larger than a domestic cat, but smaller than a horse."

"I could tell you were driving fast I can smell your clutch"

"If you hadnt have stopped I would have put my torch through your windscreen"

"They nick these cars for their chips you know"

From the same copper, talking about my old Renault 5 GTX!?!?! lol :D

of a similar theme; M8 at wk, got stopped for 'alledgedly drink driving' copper asks him if hes been drinking and gets out the breatherliser, the guy in the car with him to the copper... " leave my mate alone officer, he's been drink driving longer than youve been born"

who needs mates ey!

[QUOTE=
"The cat was larger than a domestic cat, but smaller than a horse."[/QUOTE]


Wish you hadn't posted that - Coffee coming out the nose time :)

Slightly OT...when I got stopped for 96.2 in a 60 (oops!) the copper said "you obviously don't use your mirrors either, as I've been following you for some time". I really wanted to say "Yep, at that speed I look out for what's in front, not what's behind". But I chickened out....

I'm not sure how true this one is that was doing the rounds a while ago ..... Theres a speed trap in an accident black spot area (apparently). A guy gets pulled for doing about 80mph+ in a 60mph zone.

The PC tells him " I've been waiting a while to catch speeding!" The kid replies " Sorry to keep you waiting..... but I got here as quick as I could"

:D

Nath

my brother in law has been stopped when out one morning with my two sisters in the car also..

Copper

" and where are you going sir"

b in l

"Mars"

Copper "dont get funny"

b in l

im not you asked me where im going, i answered.... I work at the Mars factory............


Next one...


copper

and where are you going sir

B in l

why is there a curfew on.....


And the best
after a nights clubbing B in l was on the way home with my 2 sisters in the car...


stopped by plod... who looked in the car and spotted my two sisters and dropped the classic...line

looks like your in for a good time tonight mate !!!

my sister in the back overheard and uttered the following

"no he,s not , but you are,, i,d like to make a formal complaint..


they were wending there merry way very shorltly after...


Mart

On leaving one of my more exotic guns into the police station for safe keeping when going on holiday, the copper at the front desk disappears up the stairs to show the rest of the coppers... he returns and says : "We'll take a dozen please"

:)

i got stopped whilst riding my g/fs moped with a mate on the back...

pulled over by a bike cop who proceded to read me the riot act

started writing out a ticket and was getting all ar**Y about riding a motor bike with a passenger on l plates and not having a full licence...

i stated i had a car licence and that was suffiecent.. copper proceded to lecture even more about contravention of licence use...

until I pointed out it was a moped.... copper didnt believe me until i showd him the vin plate .... duly stamped .... MOPED
exit one irate copper and two young men pi**ing themselves laughing..

Mart

prolly a load of croc but I heard of a cop pull someone over who had their fogs on (in clear weather).
Cop - Sir, why haven't you got your winscreen wipers on?
Driver - Cos it isn't raining
Cop - So why do you have your foglights on then?

If our friendly fuzz are reading this - just how DO you guys get to be so sarky? Is it trained at Hendon, or part of the interview, or is there a manual of put-down lines?

I mean, really?

The misses uncle is a Solicitor and also plays in a band. As you can imagine it is pretty hot on stage so he drinks copiously, but only OJ as he drives the kit home after. On one such journey he was stopped:
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Unc: Errr, yes
Cop: How much have you had?
Unc: About 8 pints
Cop: Please step out of the car...
breath test followed
comes up negative, not a hint
Cop scratches his head and starts wondering about the machine, but as Unc has admitted he is thinking about arresting him anyway.
Cop: I don't understand this, you have had 8 pints of beer and nothing is registering
Unc: I never said it was beer
Cop: I'll have you for wasting Police time
Unc: Try it, you asked a vague question and I answered it appropriately.

The situation: I'm sat at a set of lights in the VTS and my lass at the time was nipping my head big time! Eventually I lost the plot and launched off the lights when green punching the car up to about 50 in a 30. A cop car was sitting at the junction, saw the whole thing and came after me to pull me over.

Before he said a word I said, "I know, I know, I'm sorry but I the lass was nipping my head and I just lost the plot for a minute there!"

Copper, "Well that's quite understandable (LMAO) sir but next time stick to the speed limit - now off with ya" :D

One serious assault charge later :rolleyes:

I got pulled over late one night in the scoob on a twisty country road. Had been hairing along but not above the speed limit, just some fast cornering and went past them mid bend while giving it some :o Once they put the lights on pulled over and the copper comes over and comments on my cornering etc and I say yeah but wasn't speeding expecting to get a bollocking, he goes I know you werent, go well these dont they, just as well you pulled over though as we would never have caught you in our Peugeot 306 :D Turns out all they were doing was looking for some kids hacking about the country lanes in a peugeot 205 gti :rolleyes:

errr.... do you really mean what I am thinking? ;)

No not this time :D She was just p!ssing me off ;)

A Golden... never mind. :D

"i just clocked you doing 94 miles an hour"

"that's impossible, i've only been driving for 30 mins" :D

I was in the back of my bro-in-laws car new years eve getting a lift home when we got pulled.

Copper: "Do you know why ive stopped you?"

Bro-in-law: "No"

Copper: "You smiled at me as we passed you on the roundabout"

I kid you not!!!

Same bro-in-law, same getting driven home from niteclub some years earlier... His exhaust was rather loud to say the least.

Copper: "If you drove passed my house in this, id slit your throat"

:eek:

If i wasnt in the car both times i would hardly believe it!

LOL :D

When I was 17 and had a VW beetle with fat wheels on it (no comments please :p) I had a copper threaten me after pulling me over as I left work saying he was going to wait outside my work in 3 days time and if I hadnt change my wheels he was going to nick me :rolleyes: Went down the police station and made an official complaint and never did a thing about my wheels :D In fact my sister still has it 13 years on although due to being owned by a woman driver its considerably dented and rusted up :rolleyes: