Favourite Film Quotes...
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dog soldiers
[Seeing his own intestines hanging out]
Sergeant Harry Wells: Sausages!
[to attacking werewolf]
Spoon: I hope I give you the *****, you ducking wimp.
[Cooper tries to push Wells' intestines back into his stomach]
Sergeant Harry Wells: They're not gonna ****ing fit!
[indicating his rapidly healed stomach wound]
Sergeant Harry Wells: You cannot tell me that is ****ing normal.
[Seeing his own intestines hanging out]
Sergeant Harry Wells: Sausages!
[to attacking werewolf]
Spoon: I hope I give you the *****, you ducking wimp.
[Cooper tries to push Wells' intestines back into his stomach]
Sergeant Harry Wells: They're not gonna ****ing fit!
[indicating his rapidly healed stomach wound]
Sergeant Harry Wells: You cannot tell me that is ****ing normal.
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From: Location: Location.
From Dusk Till Dawn
Cop - I've been puking up pigs in a blanket all morning.
Clerk - Yeh it's not right they let retards like that work in a food joint flipping burgers.
Cop - That boy would'nt know rat sh*t from Rice Crispies. When he was born his momma should have hit him on the head and sold the milk
Class
Alas
Cop - I've been puking up pigs in a blanket all morning.
Clerk - Yeh it's not right they let retards like that work in a food joint flipping burgers.
Cop - That boy would'nt know rat sh*t from Rice Crispies. When he was born his momma should have hit him on the head and sold the milk
Class
Alas
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Dogmaul, you've got the Aliens Director's Cut, I see 
Bill Paxton at his best.
I can't believe the Dirty Harry fans haven't gone the whole hog ...
"I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, has he fired six shots, or only five? To tell you the truth I kinda forgot myself, in all this excitement. But being as this is a 44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world that can blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question. Do you feel lucky, punk?"
Nice.
Bill Paxton at his best.I can't believe the Dirty Harry fans haven't gone the whole hog ...
"I know what you're thinking, punk. You're thinking, has he fired six shots, or only five? To tell you the truth I kinda forgot myself, in all this excitement. But being as this is a 44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world that can blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question. Do you feel lucky, punk?"
Nice.
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Dogma
Jay: If you know so much, tell me something about myself.
Rufus: You ********** more than anyone else on the planet.
Jay: ****, everyone knows that. Tell me something else.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[Silent Bob starts to look freaked out.]
Jay: [to Bob] Dude, not ALL the time!
Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.
Bethany: New Jersey.
Metatron: Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day. Agreed?
Bethany: That doesn't sound like a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingalle xistence. Damn, this is good tequila.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: "Damn, this is good tequila"?
Bethany: The first part.
Metatron: Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them
Jay: Get offa me! I wanna see what's up! What the duck is this ****? Who the duck are you, lady? Why the duck did you hug my head?
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Jay: What the duck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the duck does that mean? Has everyone gone duckin' nuts? What the duck happened to that guy's head?! I want some-
[God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints]
Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that Ducked-up bar
[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks]
Bethany: What gear are you in?
Jay: "Gear"?
Mallrats
Renee: Brodie, I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse," I did it. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother barged in, I said okay. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your **** with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious ducking disappointment!
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S. Quint: No, why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S. Quint: Renee's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S. Quint: [Retches]
Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S. Quint: If all she did was dump you, you got off light
Brodie: Cookie stand's not part of the food court.
T.S. Quint: Sure it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs the cookie stand is upstairs it's not like we're talking quantum physics here!
T.S. Quint: The cookie stand is an eatery, an eatery is part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullsh!t! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court, anything operating outside the said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.
Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".
T.S. Quint: She said that?
Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point!
Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?
Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?
Brandi: You know, being intimate.
Brodie: What? Like ducking?
Brodie: One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ***. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, "Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your *** too, why don't you knock it off?" And he says to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?
Brodie: I already did once today! But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on this plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane starts spinning around, going out of control, so he figures it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad! So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and they land safely and everyone puts their penises or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gil Hicks: Well, did he ***, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!
Jay: If you know so much, tell me something about myself.
Rufus: You ********** more than anyone else on the planet.
Jay: ****, everyone knows that. Tell me something else.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[Silent Bob starts to look freaked out.]
Jay: [to Bob] Dude, not ALL the time!
Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey.
Bethany: New Jersey.
Metatron: Sure. Go to New Jersey and visit a small church on a very important day. Agreed?
Bethany: That doesn't sound like a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingalle xistence. Damn, this is good tequila.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: "Damn, this is good tequila"?
Bethany: The first part.
Metatron: Details. Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. God, I hate when people need it spelled out for them
Jay: Get offa me! I wanna see what's up! What the duck is this ****? Who the duck are you, lady? Why the duck did you hug my head?
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Jay: What the duck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the duck does that mean? Has everyone gone duckin' nuts? What the duck happened to that guy's head?! I want some-
[God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints]
Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that Ducked-up bar
[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks]
Bethany: What gear are you in?
Jay: "Gear"?
Mallrats
Renee: Brodie, I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse," I did it. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother barged in, I said okay. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your **** with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious ducking disappointment!
Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?
T.S. Quint: No, why do you ask?
Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.
T.S. Quint: Renee's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...
Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.
T.S. Quint: [Retches]
Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling relaxed, when I feel relaxed I squirt.
T.S. Quint: If all she did was dump you, you got off light
Brodie: Cookie stand's not part of the food court.
T.S. Quint: Sure it is.
Brodie: The food court is downstairs the cookie stand is upstairs it's not like we're talking quantum physics here!
T.S. Quint: The cookie stand is an eatery, an eatery is part of the food court.
Brodie: Bullsh!t! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court, anything operating outside the said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.
Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".
T.S. Quint: She said that?
Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point!
Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?
Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?
Brandi: You know, being intimate.
Brodie: What? Like ducking?
Brodie: One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ***. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, "Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your *** too, why don't you knock it off?" And he says to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?
Brodie: I already did once today! But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on this plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane starts spinning around, going out of control, so he figures it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad! So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, the hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and they land safely and everyone puts their penises or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Gil Hicks: Well, did he ***, or what?
Brodie: Jesus Christ, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!
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ok i will take all my ducks home but to be honest things aint funny untill they have atleast 1 duck in them 
take alfred j quack that just wouldnt have been the same without the duck
PS yeah im very bored it takes far too long to install office xp
[Edited by dogmaul - 7/29/2002 4:41:52 PM]
take alfred j quack that just wouldnt have been the same without the duck PS yeah im very bored it takes far too long to install office xp
[Edited by dogmaul - 7/29/2002 4:41:52 PM]
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From: on a Warwickshire test track
From some war film or other (it may even be from Predator..)
1. "You're bleeding"
2. "I ain't got time to bleed"
1. "You got time to duck"? as he fires a grenage launcher at the hillside above them....
1. "You're bleeding"
2. "I ain't got time to bleed"
1. "You got time to duck"? as he fires a grenage launcher at the hillside above them....
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Shes the l-last in the v-v8, she sucks nitro, stage 4 head, twin overhead cems, 600hp at the wheels.
Tell him about the blower! THE BLOWER MAXY, LOOK AT THE BLOWWER!!!
His in a coma maaan, he loves it!
When do we go for a rride?
---------------------------------------------------------------
I'm rubbin my c**k, can you hear it?
Hear what?
YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU CAN'T HEAR MY HOT C**K TRYIN TO BURST THOUGH MA PANTS? YOU CAN'T HEAR IT PULSATING?
Your crazy, why dont you just hang up?
AND WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE OFF YA PANTIES?
Why should I?
SO I CAN WHISPER DIRDY WORDS INTO THAT SWEET YOUNG PU55Y. GO AHEAD TEK EM OFF, N PUT THE PHONE BETWEEN YOUR LEEEEGGS!
Tell him about the blower! THE BLOWER MAXY, LOOK AT THE BLOWWER!!!
His in a coma maaan, he loves it!
When do we go for a rride?
---------------------------------------------------------------
I'm rubbin my c**k, can you hear it?
Hear what?
YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU CAN'T HEAR MY HOT C**K TRYIN TO BURST THOUGH MA PANTS? YOU CAN'T HEAR IT PULSATING?
Your crazy, why dont you just hang up?
AND WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE OFF YA PANTIES?
Why should I?
SO I CAN WHISPER DIRDY WORDS INTO THAT SWEET YOUNG PU55Y. GO AHEAD TEK EM OFF, N PUT THE PHONE BETWEEN YOUR LEEEEGGS!
) "........smells like victory"
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What you got in there?
I GOTTA NUTHA BANANA IN MA BAG! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THAT BANANA OUT? IF YOU CAN HANDLE THAT BANANA HALF AS WELL AS YOU DID THAT COFFEE CUP, WE'LL BE DOIN JUST FINE!
I luv bananas!
My ***** arn't as big as yours but my nipples are kinda nice, don't you think?
fiiik mi, fiiik mi! oh hiica-hiiica! Oh sooo goood, but will it fiit?
I GOTTA NUTHA BANANA IN MA BAG! WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THAT BANANA OUT? IF YOU CAN HANDLE THAT BANANA HALF AS WELL AS YOU DID THAT COFFEE CUP, WE'LL BE DOIN JUST FINE!
I luv bananas!
My ***** arn't as big as yours but my nipples are kinda nice, don't you think?
fiiik mi, fiiik mi! oh hiica-hiiica! Oh sooo goood, but will it fiit?
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From: The dark side of the Sun and owner of 2 fairy tokens
"Shall we **** now, or shall we **** later?" - Austin Powers
Daniel (on seeing poster of karate master chopping a tree in two) "Wow, can you do that?"
Mr. Miyagi "Don't know, never been attacked by tree" - Karate Kid II
"Open the pod bay doors, Hal" - 2001
Daniel (on seeing poster of karate master chopping a tree in two) "Wow, can you do that?"
Mr. Miyagi "Don't know, never been attacked by tree" - Karate Kid II
"Open the pod bay doors, Hal" - 2001
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clerks
Dante Hicks: Call the police!
Randal Graves: Why?
Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom that just raped Caitlin!
Randal Graves: She said she did all the work!
Dante Hicks: Will you shut the duck up!
Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent? "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic ****. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante Hicks: And you rented this?
Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal Graves: Blasphemy!
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets
Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?
Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off.
Dante Hicks: Nudie booth?
Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante Hicks: I guess not.
Randal Graves: Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.
Dante Hicks: What kinda show?
[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels.]
Randal Graves: They do the weirdest, craziest **** you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body - ANY opening.
Dante Hicks: Could we not talk about this right now?
Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but *** leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Customer: I will never come to this place again!
Dante Hicks: I'm sorry?
Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante Hicks: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Randal Graves: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out! [Shows him graphic picture from **** mag.] I think you can see her kidneys!
Dante Hicks: I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store.
Jay: I ain't dealin', man, what you talkin' about?
Customer: Hey, man, you got anything?
Jay: Yeah, man, what you want?
Randal Graves: People say crazy **** during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."
Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him.
Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick!
Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica Loughran: Please calm down.
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: Dante...
Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica Loughran: Let it go!
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you ducked!
Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many?
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante Hicks: Well?
Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36.
Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36?
Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice.
Dante Hicks: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?
Veronica Loughran: Ummm...37.
Dante Hicks: I'm 37?!
Dante Hicks: All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
Jay: Noinch, Noinch, Noinch, Schmokin Weed, Schmokin Weed, Doin Coke, Drinkin Beers..."
Chasing amy
Hooper: Check this ****. You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, **** poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!
Banky: What's a Nubian?
Hooper: Shut the duck up!
Silent Bob: [To Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're Chasing Amy.
Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his Silence] What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're Chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man, fat ******* does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have this huge impact when he does open his duckin' mouth--
Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a duckin' headache. [to Holden] I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy.
Jay: When?
Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
Banky: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following?
Holden: Yeah.
Banky: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as duck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky: Because the other three are figments of your ducking imagination!
Alyssa: For you, to duck is to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition -- you inside some girl you do, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes.
Banky: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes.
Jay and silent bob strike back
Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
Jay: What buzz?
Holden: The Internet buzz.
Jay: What the duck is the Internet?!
Brodie: This is the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ***. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Tricia Jones: Why didn't he option that comic about your "relationship?"
Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy?" That would never work as a movie.
Alyssa Jones: Well, it was better than "Mallrats".
Jay: In this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us!!!
Justice: Hi, I'm Justice!
Jay: And I'm so ducking yours!
[Fighting about Jason Biggs homophobia]
Jason Biggs: No. I, I love gay people.
James Van Der Beek: Yeah, I bet you do.
[Fighting about Jason Biggs blatant homophobia]
James Van Der Beek: Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay!
Jason Biggs: Well, how do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit?
Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
Jay: They don't? How 'bout fine piece of ***?
Justice: How 'bout not.
Jay: Then what the duck am I supposed to call you?
Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
Jay: Boo boo kitty duck?
Justice: That's...a start.
Chaka: Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street? I came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it! That's right! I was gonna call it "N.W.P." - ****** With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?
Dante Hicks: Call the police!
Randal Graves: Why?
Dante Hicks: Because there's a stranger in our bathroom that just raped Caitlin!
Randal Graves: She said she did all the work!
Dante Hicks: Will you shut the duck up!
Dante Hicks: Hey, whatcha rent? "Best of Both Worlds"?
Randal Graves: Hermaphroditic ****. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box. Beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame.
Dante Hicks: And you rented this?
Randal Graves: Hey, I like to expand my horizons
Randal Graves: Which did you like better? "Jedi" or "The Empire Strikes Back"?
Dante Hicks: "Empire".
Randal Graves: Blasphemy!
Dante Hicks: "Empire" had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All "Jedi" had was a bunch of Muppets
Randal Graves: [reading a magazine] Have you ever wondered how much the average jizz-mopper makes per hour?
Dante Hicks: What's a jizz-mopper?
Randal Graves: He's the guy that cleans up the nudie booth after each guy jerks off.
Dante Hicks: Nudie booth?
Randal Graves: Yeah, nudie booth. You've never been in a nudie booth?
Dante Hicks: I guess not.
Randal Graves: Oh, it's great. There's this glass between you and these chicks, and they put on a show for you for like 10 bucks.
Dante Hicks: What kinda show?
[Customer walks up to counter with a bottle of glass cleaner and a roll of paper towels.]
Randal Graves: They do the weirdest, craziest **** you like to see chicks do. They insert things into any opening on their body - ANY opening.
Dante Hicks: Could we not talk about this right now?
Randal Graves: The jizz-mopper's job is to clean off the glass after each guy shoots a load. I don't know if you noticed, but *** leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
Customer: I will never come to this place again!
Dante Hicks: I'm sorry?
Customer: Using filthy language in front of the customers, you both should be fired!
Dante Hicks: I'm sorry, I guess we got carried away.
Customer: I don't know if sorry could make up for it, you've highly offended me.
Randal Graves: Well if you thinks that's offensive, check this out! [Shows him graphic picture from **** mag.] I think you can see her kidneys!
Dante Hicks: I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store.
Jay: I ain't dealin', man, what you talkin' about?
Customer: Hey, man, you got anything?
Jay: Yeah, man, what you want?
Randal Graves: People say crazy **** during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom."
Dante Hicks: You said you only had sex with three different guys; you never mentioned him!
Veronica Loughran: Because I never HAD sex with him.
Dante Hicks: You sucked his dick!
Veronica Loughran: We went out a few times. We never had sex but we fooled around.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, WHY did you tell me you only had sex with three different guys?
Veronica Loughran: Because I DID only have sex with three different guys; that doesn't mean I didn't just go with people.
Dante Hicks: Oh my God, I feel so nauseous!
Veronica Loughran: I'm sorry, Dante, I thought you understood!
Dante Hicks: I did understand! I understood that you had sex with three different guys and that's all you said!
Veronica Loughran: Please calm down.
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: Dante...
Dante Hicks: How many dicks have you sucked?
Veronica Loughran: Let it go!
Dante Hicks: How many?
Veronica Loughran: All right, shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak out like this when you told me how many girls you ducked!
Dante Hicks: This is different, this is important. How many?
[long pause as customer buys something]
Dante Hicks: Well?
Veronica Loughran: Something like... 36.
Dante Hicks: What? Something like 36?
Veronica Loughran: Lower your voice.
Dante Hicks: Wait a minute, what is that anyway, something like 36? Does that INCLUDE me?
Veronica Loughran: Ummm...37.
Dante Hicks: I'm 37?!
Dante Hicks: All right, so even if independent contractors are working on the Death Star, why are you uneasy with its destruction?
Jay: Noinch, Noinch, Noinch, Schmokin Weed, Schmokin Weed, Doin Coke, Drinkin Beers..."
Chasing amy
Hooper: Check this ****. You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, **** poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!
Banky: What's a Nubian?
Hooper: Shut the duck up!
Silent Bob: [To Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're Chasing Amy.
Holden: [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his Silence] What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're Chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man, fat ******* does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have this huge impact when he does open his duckin' mouth--
Silent Bob: Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a duckin' headache. [to Holden] I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy.
Jay: When?
Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago?
Banky: Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following?
Holden: Yeah.
Banky: Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as duck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?
Holden: What is this supposed to prove?
Banky: No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky: Good. Why?
Holden: I don't know.
Banky: Because the other three are figments of your ducking imagination!
Alyssa: For you, to duck is to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition -- you inside some girl you do, jackhammering away, not noticing that bored look in her eyes.
Banky: Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes.
Jay and silent bob strike back
Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank.
Jay: What buzz?
Holden: The Internet buzz.
Jay: What the duck is the Internet?!
Brodie: This is the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ***. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Tricia Jones: Why didn't he option that comic about your "relationship?"
Alyssa Jones: Oh, "Chasing Amy?" That would never work as a movie.
Alyssa Jones: Well, it was better than "Mallrats".
Jay: In this world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, the monkey will spank us!!!
Justice: Hi, I'm Justice!
Jay: And I'm so ducking yours!
[Fighting about Jason Biggs homophobia]
Jason Biggs: No. I, I love gay people.
James Van Der Beek: Yeah, I bet you do.
[Fighting about Jason Biggs blatant homophobia]
James Van Der Beek: Now you're gonna tell me the monkey's gay!
Jason Biggs: Well, how do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
Jay: What's twistin' this bitches tit?
Justice: Maybe it's because girls don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
Jay: They don't? How 'bout fine piece of ***?
Justice: How 'bout not.
Jay: Then what the duck am I supposed to call you?
Justice: Something sweet, ya big goof. Something nice.
Jay: Boo boo kitty duck?
Justice: That's...a start.
Chaka: Do you know that I came up with the idea for Sesame Street? I came up with it before PBS. The white man stole it! That's right! I was gonna call it "N.W.P." - ****** With Puppets. Catchy, ain't it?
Scooby Regular
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 4,818
Likes: 0
From: South Hampshire
"Mike: You freeze, bitch!
Store Clerk: Oh ****, I'm ducked.
Mike: Now back up, put the gun down and give me a packet of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious.
Marcus: And some Skittles."
"Marcus: You mean, y'all paid, what, $80,000 for this car and you ain't got no damn cup holder?!
Mike: It's $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. Limited edition.
Marcus: You damn right it's limited! No cup holder, no back seat. Just a shiny dick with two chairs in it. I guess we the ***** just draggin' the duck along."
Store Clerk: Oh ****, I'm ducked.
Mike: Now back up, put the gun down and give me a packet of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious.
Marcus: And some Skittles."
"Marcus: You mean, y'all paid, what, $80,000 for this car and you ain't got no damn cup holder?!
Mike: It's $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. Limited edition.
Marcus: You damn right it's limited! No cup holder, no back seat. Just a shiny dick with two chairs in it. I guess we the ***** just draggin' the duck along."
That's easily the best lines, love that film...really made me smile! Oh - and Beefola - Blues Brothers
