Volkswagen - Polo GTi
[January 01 2001]
It's not all glamour being a road-test car, y'know. Sure it sounds a very fine way to spend one's life, flitting from car mag to car mag, but I'd probably get looked after better if I was owned by one person. I've lost count of the times some idiot road tester has scuffed my standard BBS alloys against the kerb. And I often spend the weekend parked up, only for the road testing 'guru' to wake up late on Monday morning, get stuck in traffic, end up in a bad mood and then slag me off. Where's the justice in that?

There isn't any, so I have locked the tester in the garage and have decided to write my own Minitest...

It started off very well, my week at Top Gear. Some mates were in the garage too, because, though we were in for a group test, we still have a bit of a laugh. Anyway, they were all there, old Saxy the VTS, Fordsey Fiesta Zetec S, SEAT Ibiza Sport (who's always up for it), and that new Corsa Sport, who's a bit quiet but all right really.

We are mates and all, but I still couldn't help thinking: 'Aye aye, I'm in with a bit of a chance on this one'. Let's face it, I'm tougher-looking than any of that lot - just check out my chicken-wire grilles, cute little spotlamps and BBS alloys. Pretty damn smart. As for the inside, well there's just no competition. If that road tester weren't still locked in the garage, he probably would write some tired old cliché like 'exudes a big car feel'. But it's true, and none of the others come close.

Now I don't like to boast, but I also happen to pack a 125bhp 1.6-litre 16-valve engine that gives me more power than any of the others. I've got a fairly decent gearbox too, and damn fine brakes, so, as you can imagine, I was really looking forward to a good old workout at Millbrook.

I was looking forward to a blast around the lanes on the way up too. I'll be honest though, I'm not brilliant over the 'twisty stuff'. (Gosh, this test writing is easier than I thought). Anyway, I'm not as nimble as Fordsey or Saxy through the corners, but then I won't go swinging my tail out too easily and getting you into trouble, either.

But handling aside, I really thought I was in with a shout of winning the test. So what happened? I'll tell you what happened, all my mates went to the funfair on page 60 and had a cracking time. But not me, because the learned and revered road tester took it upon himself to exclude me from the test because, at £13,295, I was deemed too expensive.

I'm off to Auto Express now. They'll show me some respect and the TG tester can stay in the garage all Christmas for all I care.

My aunty had one