jef

iTrader: (13)

advice please form anyone with experience or knowledge.

im not going to go into details, its far too long and horrific a story.

but i have a daughter of 9 from a previous relationship.

her mother has substance abuse problems and has doen for many years.

so ive been through many social workers over time and childrens panels to try and sort my access, and ensure my childs saftey.

things were horrible for many many years, but since my mothers death, -which i attribute to this witch - things were reasonably settled, regular access was adheared to. Her family were heavily invovled in caring for my child along with her siblings -and there quite reasonable and flexible to work with, holidays not problem ect.

but when i dropped my child off, she opened her house door, and her brother (16) and my kid gave me a wave goodbye and closed the door. this has been norml practice for years - but could be my undoing!
i then find out the next day the witch is not at home but has been in england all weekend. and left the eldest son to watch my kid and there youngest brother of 4, who has mild vision problems.

now ive learned she is (possibly) planning on upping sticks very soon and going to england with her new drug user b/f who has family there.

i have to wait until tomorow to contact yet another different social worker to see what can be done to prevent this.

now many may say , nothing. but she is under regular supervision from the school, social workers, and drug workers wcihch are meant to make sure she is fit to look after her kids, so i dont know what they can do? we all play by the rules, but ex does not and does as she pleases.

so so so much more to the situation that that, but thats the short version.

and social workers ect with any relevant input

thanks

Ant

I can't help in this matter as I have no experience but I wish everything goes the way it should jef and they aren't allowed to move away.

jef

iTrader: (13)

thanks bud, its just the most recent situation in a very long list of problems spread over 7 years.

my whole department experience with the social work involved, leaves me quite un-easy tbh.

Hysteria1983

Rather than waiting for someone to 'call you back' I suggest you camp out at your local health centre/GP surgery until you have someone who comes to meet you.

If you go down the usual route you know what will happen.

JohnSmith

Jef where are you?

GazTheHat

My ex just moved away with my daughter. There was no law to stop them moving with in the country. They moved 450 miles away, 9 hours drive. They wanted to move abroad, but i refused consent, so they literally moved as far away as possible. From 3 times a week, to seeing her once every 3 months.

Your circumstances may be different with the social workers involved, but i don't think there's a law in place to stop the move.

Terminator X

iTrader: (7)

How on earth is the (unfit) mother able to look after your daughter? Why don't you have that role? Seems an unlikely role model for a child imho ...

TX.

JohnSmith

There may not be in England, but by the sounds of things Jef isn't in England

PaulC72

Jef cannot offer anything that would be correct advice as never been through that sort of problem, similar in the divorce, custody etc but not the additional things.

TBH I would speak to a solicitor ASAP one who specialises in this sort of thing at least for the 1/2 hour free (if they do that)

I hope it works out for you as kids should not be with unfit mothers, the law as it is is an ***.

chocolate_o_brian

iTrader: (22)

I genuinely wish you the best of luck Jef, as a father myself I miss my son when I'm at work never mind days/weeks at a time

jef

iTrader: (13)

i could try and challenge in a court for custody, but as im employed i have to fund fully, and she has legal aid to fight me all the way, ive had discussions with lawyers and it isnt pretty.
besides my child has siblings she lives with and loves deeply, and i couldnt ask her to leave them, i could accomodate with some rearranging, but only at request of my daughter and i know as much as she loves me, im not her only family. she is a very loving and loyal child - to make her choose wouldnt be fair, she would be sick with worry over her younger brother especially.

the problem is i have to play by the rules, ive been mildly forceful in the past and its earnt me no respect and infact made my input feel even less relevant.

i know ultimatley she can do as she pleases, and im leaning towrds social work may just love the chance to pass this on to another council, as its literally been a 7 year case.

its just the fact that she was only granted full care of kids at a previous panel if she adhered to all agreed conditions -eg no violent boyfriend, drugs testing, school attendance improves. which she largley has (this was when she gave up the kids previously for 6 months). maybe that offers some hope??

i know she loves her kids, but as a mother is totally incapable of decent care, and could easily put them at risk. she continually chooses her partner at the time over her kids. which is really distressing and unfortunatley social work dont agree, as of yet.

grahamc

iTrader: (10)

Can you not apply for sole custody? Surely if she has a history of substance abuse you should be able to get custody. Solicitor is the best way forward and would be the first place I would be going to!

Very tough!! Have you spoken to your daughter about it all? It may come down to her making the decision and it may be something that you will have to force, last resort/worst case!

Dingdongler

Can't offer you any advice but wish you the best of luck.

Tony Harrington

iTrader: (8)

I can't advise you but i can share some of our story

For the last 5 years we have had custody of our great niece but it took a huge amount of work & time by the relevant services to turn a corner as the all the kids were in a very unhealthy & potentially dangerous situation.

Can you build up a good case against the mother being unfit. Can you request to see social services files and/or other agencies if involved. Maybe you will need a solicitor? Do you want access or custody?

We found social services to be helpful but others we came into contact with found them inconsistent. It is a stressful job & time off is an issue in this occupation which could slow the process down.

Out thoughts are with you mate & hope that you can resolve this painful situation quickly.

jef

iTrader: (13)

grahamc i couldnt ask my child to leave her siblings. it would constantly haunt her.
her young brother has mild disability im sure is due to substance abuse by the mother during pregancy. my child loves her family all so very much, without her directly asking me i couldnt ask her to make a decision. she also loves and is loyal to her mum. she knows her problems and accepts her lies of grand holidays and presents ect, but she still has loyalty towards her.
ultimatley i cant predict if a new life away would result in danger or not. i have no choice but to go through legal chanels. my ex obvioulsy receives money and benefits for the children so would be unlikely to give up with ease her kids. plus i also know she does love them deeply.
me and my wife and family could easily and would ove to have her, im in the lucky position of having a partner that has a fantstic relationship with my child. there very good friends, and as such any alterations needed would not be unworkable.

the but is that my child is also an income generator for her mother, so she would be very unlikley to give her up, plus im sure she loves her. and i dont have the money to pay for all the long winded drivel to ultimately be told no - which is whats likely.

there family home has been visited by social workers and theres not negatives to report, school attendance has iporoved ect ect

my worries and concerns are based on recent events and "maybes", but there just a thought result i have from 7 years experience and instinct. neither of which would hold up in a court i think?

BULLITT

Jef, whereas I can't offer any advice in this situation I do know someone who has dealt with pretty much this exact same situation (apart from the moving away bit) with his ex and son, to my knowledge he has sorted his situation but it did take months and months, if you would like, I can ask him to if it's ok for you to contact him or him contact you to see if he can offer you any advice?

jef

iTrader: (13)

even if you can air his experience, would do no harm.

the problem is i dont even know for definate any plans. its all heresay.

her extended family have and will gladly help and provide all care, to my child and siblings. them and me have had to pick up the peices over the years, and were granted carer status previously, and i know they provide stability and a reasonable level of care, but they have no rights whatsoever, and neither do i, ultimatley. its quite sh*te tbh

john banks

It sounds like you've covered/considered everything in a difficult, distressing and drawn out situation. There is some well founded concern about what will happen with a change in circumstances, but as you point out difficulty in making a legal enforcement when recent compliance has resulted in improvements. The social workers in the old and the new place may need to be reminded to communicate well and your extra effort in regular but long distance contact with your daughter may be the most reliable way of identifying further problems.

If you think your daughter is better with you considering the downsides to that (which may be less significant than the danger of her being looked after by a mother that has a support network in place and is about to lose it by moving and be placed in danger from the actions of the new boyfriend due to his substance abuse), then that is what you may try to convince her of though and if appropriate and likely to succeed to use the law, and you need to do your homework on the new boyfriend if you haven't already.

It may be that the talk of moving is just talk. You certainly need advice from the social workers, but make sure you aren't being needlessly manipulated.

Best of luck! I'd want a Dad like you on my side for sure.

jef

iTrader: (13)

thanks john, the problem lies with im predicting risks, that may well not materialise.

social work cant act on presumptions - which i just have to accept

a friend of a friend knows the current b/f, and ive not tried to dig up info. i do know theyve had police visits in the past, linked to cannabis, but no conclusive info.

im lucky to also have a father to help guide me, and also my partner. but ultimatley the buck lies with me.

im hoping its just talk, but ve learned the owner of the house in which they live has given a notice of eviction. they need to find another place to stay (i dont blame him, his property has not been maintained to the standard in which he presented it)

social work present me with the majority of problems, garunteed when i phone tomorow the worker will be on leave, and ill have to phone back umpteen times. ive tried ten times on a single day to contact the worker with no reply.

frustrating to say the least.

jef

iTrader: (13)

missed this mate, sorry,

my daughter lives in renfrewshire, scotland.

any input?

Sti Addict

I had a good friend go through this, like you he was a top bloke and put the feeling of the child first, but his ex used this as a weopon against him, like she was taking advantage of his good nature.

In the end he had play very dirty, play her game and win, which he did. Really feel for you.

Turbohot

Jef, whatever you do, put your child's physical safety as well as her emotional safety first. If she is very loyal to her mum, perhaps she would like to go and live away with her. By all means, talk to the solicitors if anything can be done to gain full custody of your child or to prevent the move. I think your presumtions will be weighed up with the past evindences, against current provisions that have improved the situation and also with your child's wish in order to go legal. In addition, continue to try to get in touch with the social worker and explain your concerns. They are a pain in the @rse to get in touch with, I hear that a lot. They are inundated with that many cases that they keep getting burnt out, and need time off sick etc. every so often. Its such a shame that you have been through this for years. In times like this, have a belief in yourself. The things that are not in your control you will bear with positivity. At the same time, you can try your best to change what can be changed. Keep in regular touch with your dear daughter, doesn't matter wherever she goes to live. This way, you will be available to hear her concerns if they prop up in future. Continue to spend quality times with your child to keep her well-grounded. Good luck and keep positive.

jef

iTrader: (13)

thanks for replies

ive spoken to social work today. its yet another new case worker, who has 7 years histroy to try and digest. and thats for 3 seperate children. each of which has there own series of events, and information regarding them, although i know most of it through speaking to them, it cant be given to me.
so she has the mammoth task of sorting out information and trying to make sense of it all. i dont envy her, but at the same time it means she has no sense of the history or the severity of events, just has a file with series of factual statments.

it doesnt realistically convey the situation and all its dimensions.

i asked for a meeting to be arranged so i can get all details, like address, home owners info, bedrooms, the school she will be attending, the local gp practice, the council and social work department details. also the school head teachers details, as ill be calling them to breif them of situation, and ask for updates of attendance or any "situations" that may occur - anything else ive missed?

i asked if the information they had would be passed onto the social work department operating in the new area, and would there be any kind of supervision or support network - no!
they dont liase with other departments and its likely they operate different policies ect and so information isnt neccessarily interchangeable.

so basically now they go onto pastures new, with no -one to monitor anything.

i cant keep in contact with my child through social networking sites, due to the possibility of it being accessed by someone other than my child, and everytim i give her a mobile phone, it ends up in her mothers hands!

but if they are definatley going i will do this, and express the importance of my child to keep it for her own use, so i can contact her. Ill need to top it up for her, as any cash i give gets taken and spent elsewhere.

then there is the problem of actually getting acess, i will have to travel to wherever it is to collect her, so my visits will be fewer between. i work a shift pattern and much of my time of is during school hours. i think realistically a monthly set up is as good as i can get, even then the travelling could mean hours of lost time, as i cant get her ntil after school on a friday and then will have to be home by sunday night for school on the monday.
what a nightmare!

GazTheHat

Skype is excellent and you can buy a decent webcam for £10. You can actually see her and see her reaction to comments etc on like how she is.

madscoob

iTrader: (3)

jef for what it's worth mate i hope it all works out . but just remember how the social services (gestapo) work , they will leave kids with people like your ex for as long as possable so they can stay involved (justifiying thier £35k a year) if you had them there would be no involvment . thats what our solicitor told us when we went for custody of our niece

ScoobyWon't

Remind the social worker what happened regarding Ian Huntley, when the police did not share information between various forces.

Stress that is of the utmost importance that they disclose their files to the social services in the new area.

Your other option would be to contact the police in the new area, and ask to speak with an officer who covers that particular patch. If you can make the beat bobby for that area aware, he may be able to make social services in that area aware on your behalf. Don't expect them to rush to get in touch or arrange to speak to you, but these days they are under more pressure to share information and take preventive measures.

I don't mean to scare you, nor am I suggesting that they will be in any danger, so please don't panic. Just insist on the information held being passed on and refer them to the findings of the Bichard Inquiry.

Sti Addict

My mate hired a private dectective, caught his ex buying drugs, and going clubbing leaving the kids at home.

jef

iTrader: (13)

still trying to sort a situation here.

anyone help with these points.

im trying to use email as contact with social work department so they have a written account of my concerns, however they are unlikely to respond much detail in email form due to confidentialty issues. I sorely want things written down for future refferance and as a historical log - is there anyway to overcome this issue. the best i can think of is a secure encrypted email provider although i think its still very unlikely there policies would allow detailed communication in this way.
does anyone know the used practices, or indeed ways aroud this?

i need to maintian a positive working relationship with social work, without accusations or negative feeling toward the department to enable to get information i need, so i cant jump in with threats ect ect

anyone shed any light?

thanks

john banks

Print it out and put it in the post. Recorded delivery if you feel you need to.

jef

iTrader: (13)

pending a response tommorow, this is what i will do John. Its slow but atleast i written communication. Whist im not trying to hang anyone out to dry, i do need to have some info to strengthen my points.

Land line contact does not work due to there apparant workload, and my shift patterns being akward. ill happily suggest using regular post as a contingancy

cheers