mart360

Probabably Sial, and highly offensive to cat owners lol

but made me chuckle lol

"shamlessy lifted from Viragotechforum"

How to Bathe a Cat in 8 Easy Steps

We’ve all experienced the hazards of attempting to bathe one of nature’s most well equipped shredding machines and trying to make Tiddles endurable after he’s rolled in something unspeakable is something that most cat owners will dread.

Fear not, for here is a foolproof and completely safe method of dealing with this eventuality with zero risk of injury to yourself, minimal undue stress caused to your dear pet and, best of all, no unnecessary expenditure on expensive gadgets with which to perform this sleight of veterinary hand.

You will require 1 assistant, 1 standard British lavatory with seat and lid combo, 1 cup of pet shampoo, 1 first aid kit and 1 cat (soiled unless simply testing, in which case the shampoo may be omitted)

1. Thoroughly dry the toilet pan removing any residual water using a sponge or cloth so that the pan is completely devoid of dampness (optional but safer).

2. Ensure both toilet lids are lifted and that they close quickly without sticking. Test lid to ensure it will bear your weight and that the surface is non-slip. Tie a 4 foot piece of strong twine to the front of the toilet seat using a reef knot and coil neatly on top of the cistern.

3. Obtain the cat and feed him while soothing him gently. Once he has finished eating, lift and carry him gently towards the bathroom making happy noises to allay suspicion.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat headfirst into the toilet pan. This manoeuvre ensures a delay of about .00064 of a nanosecond while the cat attempts to engage reverse. During this delay you should swiftly withdraw your hands and close both lids. Quickly mount the toilet seat, standing on the lid and grasp the twine you previously attached. The cat will now be unable to escape but may attempt to tunnel through the pan. This is normal - ignore.

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as those blurs of claw tipped appendages will, by now, be reaching out for anything they can find to slash. Being within range at this point would be tantamount to changing a bandsaw blade whilst it’s running and is not recommended. The proceedings will be accompanied by fiendish noises and flecks of foam. This is known as ‘Cat Goz’, is normal – and may be ignored, provided the cat does not get loose. If there is ANY slight possibility of this happening mid-proceedings, it might be wise to equip your assistant with a canister of CS Gas, or even better, a baseball bat. Do not laugh – this is for your own safety.

5. Ensuring the toilet lid and seat are both FIRMLY and irrevocably down and shut, add 1 cupful of shampoo to the cistern and replace the lid. Checking your balance on the toilet lid(s) smartly operate the lever to flush the toilet. If you have correctly carried out the procedures so far you will rapidly notice 2 things. (1) Bubbles will have started to appear around the edge of the toilet rim and (2) Somebody has started the engine of a Kawasaki Z750 motorcycle inside the toilet pan and is proceeding to rev it to crankshaft-snapping point. This is normal – ignore. (You may also notice an increase in volume from the cat - also ignore).

6. Wait for approximately 15 seconds or until the cistern has refilled and then flush the toilet once more. Repeat three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" ably assisted by the violent circumnavigations of the toilet bowl by the (now) rather damp cat. This action has been demonstrated to be remarkably effective at removing dirt and grime from your beloved pet’s coat while, coincidentally, leaving the toilet bowl with a mirror-like shine. If your cat’s claws have been recently sharpened, limescale and stains may also be removed from the toilet pan during this phase of the process. Ignore the sound effects, which will have almost certainly increased still further, accompanied by your cat waving to you from the gap between seat and bowl. This is to let you know that it is quite all right and everything is quite normal. You may, however, wish to reassure any neighbours that you are not in the process of killing a pig, barbecuing a small child or signalling an imminent bombing raid by the German Luftwaffe.

7. At this point you should have your assistant open both the toilet door and the door to the outside, ensuring that there are no people or breakable objects occupying the shortest trajectory between the cat’s current location and freedom. Your assistant should stand well clear of any area that has even the remotest possibility of being cohabited by a damp cat and, standing behind the toilet as far as you can, you may now pull sharply on the twine, lifting both lids simultaneously. Stay still and quiet.

8. You will now observe Mother Nature lending a helping hand, as your now-clean cat will cleverly leave the toilet bowl entirely of his own volition and at a fairly brisk pace, scamper happily outside where he will dry himself in the open air. You may not actually SEE the cat, but he WILL leave the toilet. If you are likely to be concerned by his welfare at this juncture, the passage of your (now clean) pet may be easily verified by asking the assistant to remain in the hallway prior to the cat-egress phase of the operation. Evidence of blood and torn tissue on your assistant will bear witness to the cat's successful transit into the garden and thus his perfectly good health. You may press the first aid kit into service at this point and, if necessary, summon an ambulance for your helper. However, you will now be happy and secure in the knowledge that your beloved little feline friend is quite well, clean, and is demonstrably ‘Talonus Intactus’.

NOTES:
(1) If, at the end of paragraph (8) there is no evidence of cat egress, then a suitable emergency procedure would be to locate any square metallic objects embedded in the ground within a 15 yard radius of your dwelling. These are called ‘drain covers’ and may be gently prised up with a suitably long stick. Your pet may well emerge from one of them in a temperamental state. If this is the case, return to step (3) being careful not to inhale the aromas emanating from him.

(2)It is recommended that you do not repeat this procedure more than once a year as, should the cat realise what is about to happen before you manage to incarcerate him inside the toilet, you may suffer severe lacerations, blood loss and considerable plumbing damage.

ditchmyster

iTrader: (7)

Made me giggle.

CrisPDuk

Seen it before, but it still makes me laugh

Our psycho cat has twice (that we know of) managed to trap herself in the toilet by falling off the cistern and pulling the seat closed on her way down
Both times were in the middle of the night though, and both times she managed to wake the entire house

The amount of noise one cat is capable of making when it's properly p!ssed off is astonishing

Galifrey

iTrader: (3)

All true, very funny

alcazar

iTrader: (2)

What you need is one of these:

http://rulingcatsanddogs.com/funny-p...-humor-pic.htm

tarmac terror

iTrader: (2)

Say hello to Basil - my wife wanted the cat to live in the house. My house = my rules, pets get a bath once per week. It is a myth that cats don't like water!!!!

Lee247

awwwwww

Turbohot

Hello, Basil! :waves:

That's unbelievable Basil having a bath!

What's your good lady holding, TT? Is it your Old Spice aftershave to perfume up Basil after bath?

tarmac terror

iTrader: (2)

Old Spice - LOL. Nah they are 'fishy treats', they stink, but the cat liked them!

urban

iTrader: (1)

Very funny

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

I always remember this one:

Cat bathing as a martial art:

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk--dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odours that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a person must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

*Know that although the cat has the advantages of quickness and utter disregard for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

*Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

*Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

*Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

*Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

*Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is--for cats--three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

*Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

Psycho-ceramic cat - In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

Luminous

iTrader: (3)

As a non cat owner I really do not understand the difficulty that people are having here. Surely all one needs is a slow spin cycle on the washing machine, a cat, some shampoo and a timer. Job done

subaruturbo_18

Perhaps place the cat in one of those washing machine bags you get for trainers to help prevent damage?

Leslie

In our experience, cats are very fussy creatures and they keep themselves very clean. Really no need to put the poor creature in a bath surely.

Les