Just a few..............
29 June 2010, 06:00 PM
#1
Just a few..............
It has been a while but what the hell 
HAVING MUM OVER FOR DINNER
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Ben's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Ben's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Ben's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Ben and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and Jennifer than met
the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Ben saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Ben said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.’
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the
house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love,
Ben
Several days later, Ben received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by
now. Love, Mum
Blondes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does
it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on
it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
HAVING MUM OVER FOR DINNER
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Ben's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Ben's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Ben's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Ben and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and Jennifer than met
the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Ben saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Ben said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.’
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the
house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love,
Ben
Several days later, Ben received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by
now. Love, Mum
Blondes
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does
it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on
it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
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29 June 2010, 08:55 PM
#13
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The teachers going round the class asking what does your dad do for a living hes a train driver miss etc she gets to little Jimmy and asks the question he says he is a stripper in a gay bar and he earns extra money by giving blow jobs and having sex with the punters.
Later on she takes him to one side and says is this true Jimmy the thing you said about your dad, he says no miss its a lie hes a centre forward for England and I was really embarassed to say
Later on she takes him to one side and says is this true Jimmy the thing you said about your dad, he says no miss its a lie hes a centre forward for England and I was really embarassed to say
29 June 2010, 09:56 PM
#17
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I was outside hospital having a *** when this bloke in a wheelchair said "why do you smoke?" I looked at him and said "why the f**k do you wear shoes?"
30 June 2010, 03:13 PM
#20
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Someone mentioned world cup? I have some German jokes;
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in a largely unpopulated rainforest.
How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Would you like an ice pack?"
How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No.
Well, it's really nice.
What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION POUNDS!" Thinking that a million pounds sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.
"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."
The guy thinks it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.
"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.
"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fvck the croc. The croc... the croc ate him."
"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."
Nobody says a word.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.
How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in a largely unpopulated rainforest.
How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
"Would you like an ice pack?"
How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No.
Well, it's really nice.
What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION POUNDS!" Thinking that a million pounds sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.
"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."
The guy thinks it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.
"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.
"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fvck the croc. The croc... the croc ate him."
"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."
Nobody says a word.
30 June 2010, 03:22 PM
#21
Time for one more
Greek Philosophical Test
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was ******** his wife.
Greek Philosophical Test
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was ******** his wife.
30 June 2010, 03:58 PM
#22
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I saw my friend the other day coming out of the doctors looking really worried.
"What's up?" I asked,
"I've got the Big 'C'" he said.
"Cancer?" I confirmed...
"No, Dyslexia..."
"What's up?" I asked,
"I've got the Big 'C'" he said.
"Cancer?" I confirmed...
"No, Dyslexia..."
01 July 2010, 04:32 AM
#24
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Teacher sets some homework for the class over the weekend, she asks them to find out the difference between potential and reality.
Johnny goes to his Mum, Saturday morning,
"Mum, what's the difference between potential and reality"
Mum says "Go see your father I'm busy"
Johnny goes and sees Dad. "Dad, what's the difference between potential and reality"
Dad says "Go ask your mother if she'll sleep with George Clooney for an million pounds and your sister if she'll sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds"
Johnny goes to his Mum "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds would you sleep with George Clooney?"
"Don't tell your father but I wouldn't hesitate, hop straight in I would"
Johnny offs to his sister...
"Sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds"
"Oh....my....god....I'd love to, definitely, yep, no question"
Wow exclaims Johnny and goes and tells his Dad.
His Dad explains "So Johnny, potentially we're sitting on two million quid. The reality is we're living with two *****"
I'll get me coat.....
Johnny goes to his Mum, Saturday morning,
"Mum, what's the difference between potential and reality"
Mum says "Go see your father I'm busy"
Johnny goes and sees Dad. "Dad, what's the difference between potential and reality"
Dad says "Go ask your mother if she'll sleep with George Clooney for an million pounds and your sister if she'll sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds"
Johnny goes to his Mum "Mum, if someone gave you a million pounds would you sleep with George Clooney?"
"Don't tell your father but I wouldn't hesitate, hop straight in I would"
Johnny offs to his sister...
"Sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds"
"Oh....my....god....I'd love to, definitely, yep, no question"
Wow exclaims Johnny and goes and tells his Dad.
His Dad explains "So Johnny, potentially we're sitting on two million quid. The reality is we're living with two *****"
I'll get me coat.....
01 July 2010, 12:24 PM
#25
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Trying to work out how you found the sticky boiled sweets in the joke book though!, at least the 30p is useful. You can use it next time you park the car. Less said about the stickers the better.
Les
01 July 2010, 12:38 PM
#26
higher plane 
Okay, will bring the tone down a tad
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up.."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some *****?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would..... if I had a *****."
Okay, will bring the tone down a tad
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up.."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some *****?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would..... if I had a *****."
01 July 2010, 03:54 PM
#28
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higher plane
Okay, will bring the tone down a tad
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up.."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some *****?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would..... if I had a *****."
Okay, will bring the tone down a tad
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
"How much do you charge?"
The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up.."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some *****?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would..... if I had a *****."