The Cat.
28 May 2010, 10:02 PM
#1
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The Cat.
Paddy's wife comes home one day with a kitten from the rescue centre.
At first things are great, but as the kitten grows into a cat Paddy gets increasingly fed up with it wiping it's **** on the rug and bringing dead birds in the house.
One day Paddy decides he's had enough, so he puts the cat in the car, drives 5 miles and chucks the cat out by the side of the road.
When he gets home the cat is sat on the doorstep licking its ****.
Paddy ups his game, and the next day he bundles the cat in the car, and drives 10 miles to the local bird sanctuarty, and turfs it out.
When he gets home, the cat is on the kitchen worktop, eating scraps off a plate.
Paddy decides he needs to get serious, so the next day he throws the cat in the back of the car, and drives 30 miles. When he gets there, he knocks the cat out, and chucks it under a bush.
When he gets home, the cat is sat on his wife's knee, purring. Paddy says nothing, and goes away seething, to hatch a foolproof plan.
The next night he gets the cat, knocks it out, blindfolds it, ties it's paws together, and throws it in the boot of his car. He sets off, and drives all through the night....
Eventually Paddy is overcome with fatigue so he pulls over at the services for a rest. While he is there he spots a wagon with Polish plates, and when the driver is off paying for fuel he chucks the cat in the shipping container on the back of the HGV........
11 hrs later, the phone rings in Paddy's hous. His wife answers.......
"Mary, Mary, it's Paddy. Is the cat there? "
"yes, why? " says Mary..
"can you just put him on the phone please" says Paddy.."I'm lost"
At first things are great, but as the kitten grows into a cat Paddy gets increasingly fed up with it wiping it's **** on the rug and bringing dead birds in the house.
One day Paddy decides he's had enough, so he puts the cat in the car, drives 5 miles and chucks the cat out by the side of the road.
When he gets home the cat is sat on the doorstep licking its ****.
Paddy ups his game, and the next day he bundles the cat in the car, and drives 10 miles to the local bird sanctuarty, and turfs it out.
When he gets home, the cat is on the kitchen worktop, eating scraps off a plate.
Paddy decides he needs to get serious, so the next day he throws the cat in the back of the car, and drives 30 miles. When he gets there, he knocks the cat out, and chucks it under a bush.
When he gets home, the cat is sat on his wife's knee, purring. Paddy says nothing, and goes away seething, to hatch a foolproof plan.
The next night he gets the cat, knocks it out, blindfolds it, ties it's paws together, and throws it in the boot of his car. He sets off, and drives all through the night....
Eventually Paddy is overcome with fatigue so he pulls over at the services for a rest. While he is there he spots a wagon with Polish plates, and when the driver is off paying for fuel he chucks the cat in the shipping container on the back of the HGV........
11 hrs later, the phone rings in Paddy's hous. His wife answers.......
"Mary, Mary, it's Paddy. Is the cat there? "
"yes, why? " says Mary..
"can you just put him on the phone please" says Paddy.."I'm lost"
29 May 2010, 06:56 AM
#5
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Englishman, Welshman and a Pakistani
They all find themselves nervously pacing the hallways of the local hospital whilst their respective wives go through the pain and joy of childbirth...
The screams and grunts of the women merge into one as their deliveries take place within minutes of each other.
10-15 minutes later a sheepish looking nurse steps into the hall and the men stand up....
"I'm sorry sirs, there has been a mix up....we're not 100% sure which child belongs to whom....we may need some help..."
Rather than suing the hospital the men agree to sort this out asap on site....
"I'll go in first", says the Englishman....
A couple of minutes later and even the most basic of trained medical staff would be able to tell that the Englishman had decided upon fathering the Pakistani child...
The Pakistani gent takes a step forward..
"I'm sorry sir, it seems obvious to me that you have my son in your arms....?!"
"I'm sorry too" says the Englishman "There's a Welsh kid in there and I'm not taking any chances
They all find themselves nervously pacing the hallways of the local hospital whilst their respective wives go through the pain and joy of childbirth...
The screams and grunts of the women merge into one as their deliveries take place within minutes of each other.
10-15 minutes later a sheepish looking nurse steps into the hall and the men stand up....
"I'm sorry sirs, there has been a mix up....we're not 100% sure which child belongs to whom....we may need some help..."
Rather than suing the hospital the men agree to sort this out asap on site....
"I'll go in first", says the Englishman....
A couple of minutes later and even the most basic of trained medical staff would be able to tell that the Englishman had decided upon fathering the Pakistani child...
The Pakistani gent takes a step forward..
"I'm sorry sir, it seems obvious to me that you have my son in your arms....?!"
"I'm sorry too" says the Englishman "There's a Welsh kid in there and I'm not taking any chances
