Need some jokes please!
06 May 2009, 12:06 PM
#1
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Need some jokes please!
I'm meeting up with a group of friends who for one reason and another I haven't really seen for about 10 years. I'm sure they've all changed a lot, but I remember they used to love to tell funny stories/jokes with a bit of competition to see who was the funniest.
I'm crap at remembering jokes etc. Anybody help?
Political correctness ignored I suppose, hope I don't regret saying that!
I'm crap at remembering jokes etc. Anybody help?
Political correctness ignored I suppose, hope I don't regret saying that!
07 May 2009, 10:55 AM
#4
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Posts: n/a
Short and sweet:
'I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bull****!'
A bit longer ...
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to
the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit
my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman
on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out
his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you say?'
Another, pretend it was you ....
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Meaty Bites Diet' again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road
licking my dick and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
As this is a car forum, allegedly ... some Jeremy Clarkson for you ...
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit
like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.
If you've got even half a ******* it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the
Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963 and, as you would imagine,
it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me,
when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath
together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
On the Porsche Caymen S
"There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including
waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub,
and then licking his back clean"
"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air
saying there will be no war with Germany"
"America: 250 million w*nkers living in a country with no word for
w*nker"
On the Alfa Romeo Brera
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm
nursing a semi!"
Porsche Boxster
"It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR
Clarkson: "There is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and
ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another
league of badness!"
"Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people -
and that he, long before anyone else, realised that jade goody is a
racist, pig faced, waste of blood and organs............all we know, is
that he's called the Stig!"
On the Suzuki Wagon R
"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
That's what gets you."
"The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you through a straw"
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
convertable was Adolf Hitler"
Caravanning Trip
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music,
you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a
camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep
quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven.
This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
On the Renault Espace
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
Not that that's much to shout about. It's like saying "Ooh good I've got
syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."
Mercedes CLS55
"Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to
actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists
"Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and
therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe
they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to
prove them wrong"
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from
a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red
Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson
shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a
car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating ****"
"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
because they don't have wheel-chair access"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a
firework factory"
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs
and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the
tailgate..."
"The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God
was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into
them."
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...
for a murderer."
"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty
to be on my plate at supper time"
"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.
It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it
can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half
hour
close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it,
if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do,
and it helps."
"You can't have this car with a diesel. Its like saying I won't go to
stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a
woman!"
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green "During the
break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's
one..."
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of
a President.
On the Porsche Cayenne
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this.
It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
Dave
'I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just bull****!'
A bit longer ...
A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident,
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to
the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow,
Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit
my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman
on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out
his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you say?'
Another, pretend it was you ....
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was
standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Meaty Bites Diet' again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so
I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned by the food.
I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road
licking my dick and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??
As this is a car forum, allegedly ... some Jeremy Clarkson for you ...
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit
like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.
If you've got even half a ******* it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the
Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963 and, as you would imagine,
it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me,
when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath
together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
On the Porsche Caymen S
"There are many things I'd rather be doing than driving it, including
waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage in a sweaty nightclub,
and then licking his back clean"
"The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air
saying there will be no war with Germany"
"America: 250 million w*nkers living in a country with no word for
w*nker"
On the Alfa Romeo Brera
"I only have to imagine this in black, with tan leather and I'm
nursing a semi!"
Porsche Boxster
"It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom"
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR
Clarkson: "There is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and
ends with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another
league of badness!"
"Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people -
and that he, long before anyone else, realised that jade goody is a
racist, pig faced, waste of blood and organs............all we know, is
that he's called the Stig!"
On the Suzuki Wagon R
"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
That's what gets you."
"The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you through a straw"
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
convertable was Adolf Hitler"
Caravanning Trip
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music,
you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a
camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep
quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven.
This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
On the Renault Espace
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
Not that that's much to shout about. It's like saying "Ooh good I've got
syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases."
Mercedes CLS55
"Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to
actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists
"Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and
therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe
they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to
prove them wrong"
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from
a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red
Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson
shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a
car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating ****"
"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
because they don't have wheel-chair access"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise
"This car is more fun than the entire french air force crashing into a
firework factory"
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs
and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the
tailgate..."
"The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God
was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into
them."
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...
for a murderer."
"I dont often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty
to be on my plate at supper time"
"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work.
It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it
can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half
hour
close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it,
if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do,
and it helps."
"You can't have this car with a diesel. Its like saying I won't go to
stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a
woman!"
Pointing to a Lamborghini Murcielago... in bright green "During the
break we got complaints that we don't show enough green cars so here's
one..."
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of
a President.
On the Porsche Cayenne
"Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this.
It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
Dave
07 May 2009, 11:48 AM
#5
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Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: Weston Super Mare, Somerset.
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An eclectic mix. Most are so old that your friends will have forgotten them by now 
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that Beer contains the female
hormone oestrogen. That's why after a couple of Pints you can't drive.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit upon a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a ******* on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each cab driver.
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to visit the zoo. They spent the whole day there and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage. The man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"I think that gorilla is getting excited looking at your breasts," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first the wife declined. But finally, persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "Let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband, "Try telling that f**k*r you have a headache!"
Once upon a time there was a redhead hooker, who had a tattoo of Mikhael Gorbachov on one inner thigh and one of Ronald Reagan on the other. And this hooker also had a rule: If a customer could recognise both of these gentlemen, he would get laid for free. One day she gets three customers in a row, an American, a Russian and a German. First the American is presented with the hooker's tattoos and he immediately recognises Ronald Reagan. "But the other fellow", he says annoyed, "I haven't ever seen..." So he has to pay... Second the Russian customer takes a look at the hooker's inner thighs, and recognises Mikhael Gorbachov. "But that guy", he admits, "I've never seen before..." So he's gotta pay too... Last (and least) the German guy takes a good, long look at the hooker's tattoos, then shrugs and says: "Well... The two guys on the sides I've never seen in my life. But the one in the middle with the red hair and the big lips... That's Boris Becker !!!"
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*ck's sake, you w*nker, it's twenty to two in the f*cking morning!!"
What's Beethoven doing in his grave?
De-composing
Why were the two blonds staring at the orange juice?
It said concentrate.
DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
Kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," says David. "And what have you got in it?"asks Roy Keane. "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.
POSH and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the Six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £35,000 that he jumps!" To which Beckham replies "£35,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £35,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump." "No, babe," says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again.
Two blonds were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?" " No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in." They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A beautiful young blonde boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York " The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York”.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and
starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. Just looking.'"
A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has eaten a few when the woman opposite says "Would you mind not doing that, its disgusting to watch".
He says, "listen love, it's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can hear whilst he's trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles. After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise - can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting and throws it out of the window. The woman gets up and pulls the alarm cord. The man laughs "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!" To which the woman replies "And you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers".
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant
to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the
blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By
all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big
one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A network executive was interviewing a young blonde. He asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde thought for a minute, then replied, "The living one."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic Condoms." Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?" "They're in three colors," he replies, "gold, silver, and bronze." "What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly. "Really?" she responds. "Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change."
There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So they buried her.
At the 2000 World Women's Conference the first speaker from Canada stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw no change,
after the second day I saw no change,
but after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from France stood up: "After last year's Conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing,
after the second day I saw nothing, but after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well".
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Glasgow stood up: "Efter last year's Conference ah went hame and tellt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and that he wid hiftae dae it himsel.
Efter the first day ah saw nuhin',
efter the second day ah saw nuhin',
but efter the third day I could see a wee bit oot o ma left eye."
There was a blonde who was hurting all over so she went to the doctor. The doctor said, ''Where are you hurting?''
She said, ''Everywhere. See?"
She touched her arm and said, "OUCH!"
She touched her leg and, "OUCH!"
She touched her nose, "OUCH!"
"See?" she cried, " I am hurting all over!''
The doctor laughed and said, ''What you've got is a broken index finger!"
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. the audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do
the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week, and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting out in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything about it. After all, it was the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for the whole day, and then another. Finally on the third day, the parrot could not hold back any longer:
"O.K., I give up... Where's the ****ing ship?
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot!
Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge?
For people who don't drink.
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables, and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”
“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying
them into his lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left
out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see
it so he knocks on he door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...
"Harro", says the jappy chappy.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man
"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your
Wheely Bin?"
"OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having w**k"
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are
having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where
I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At
MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and
MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I
come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place,
Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys
you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come
from in Oirland, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At
Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your
second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey
take you in de back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other
two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that Beer contains the female
hormone oestrogen. That's why after a couple of Pints you can't drive.
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit upon a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a ******* on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "Ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each cab driver.
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to visit the zoo. They spent the whole day there and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage. The man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"I think that gorilla is getting excited looking at your breasts," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first the wife declined. But finally, persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down. "Hey," the husband said, "Let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband, "Try telling that f**k*r you have a headache!"
Once upon a time there was a redhead hooker, who had a tattoo of Mikhael Gorbachov on one inner thigh and one of Ronald Reagan on the other. And this hooker also had a rule: If a customer could recognise both of these gentlemen, he would get laid for free. One day she gets three customers in a row, an American, a Russian and a German. First the American is presented with the hooker's tattoos and he immediately recognises Ronald Reagan. "But the other fellow", he says annoyed, "I haven't ever seen..." So he has to pay... Second the Russian customer takes a look at the hooker's inner thighs, and recognises Mikhael Gorbachov. "But that guy", he admits, "I've never seen before..." So he's gotta pay too... Last (and least) the German guy takes a good, long look at the hooker's tattoos, then shrugs and says: "Well... The two guys on the sides I've never seen in my life. But the one in the middle with the red hair and the big lips... That's Boris Becker !!!"
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*ck's sake, you w*nker, it's twenty to two in the f*cking morning!!"
What's Beethoven doing in his grave?
De-composing
Why were the two blonds staring at the orange juice?
It said concentrate.
DAVID Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the
Kitchen department of a large department store. "What's that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant. "What does it do?" asks Becks. The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session. "Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly. "It's a Thermos flask." The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," says David. "And what have you got in it?"asks Roy Keane. "Two cups of coffee and a choc ice," replies David.
POSH and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the Six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge onto the busy road below. Posh turns to Becks and says: "David, I bet you £35,000 that he jumps!" To which Beckham replies "£35,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes £35,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she refuses. "I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump." "No, babe," says David. "That money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again.
Two blonds were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?" " No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in." They sit down and the friend says, "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
A beautiful young blonde boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York " The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York”.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and
starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. Just looking.'"
A man had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has eaten a few when the woman opposite says "Would you mind not doing that, its disgusting to watch".
He says, "listen love, it's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can hear whilst he's trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles. After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise - can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting and throws it out of the window. The woman gets up and pulls the alarm cord. The man laughs "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!" To which the woman replies "And you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers".
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant
to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very
frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the
blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I
can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By
all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big
one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
A network executive was interviewing a young blonde. He asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde thought for a minute, then replied, "The living one."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic Condoms." Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?" "They're in three colors," he replies, "gold, silver, and bronze." "What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly. "Really?" she responds. "Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change."
There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.
So they buried her.
At the 2000 World Women's Conference the first speaker from Canada stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw no change,
after the second day I saw no change,
but after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from France stood up: "After last year's Conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing,
after the second day I saw nothing, but after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well".
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Glasgow stood up: "Efter last year's Conference ah went hame and tellt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin', cleanin' or shoppin' and that he wid hiftae dae it himsel.
Efter the first day ah saw nuhin',
efter the second day ah saw nuhin',
but efter the third day I could see a wee bit oot o ma left eye."
There was a blonde who was hurting all over so she went to the doctor. The doctor said, ''Where are you hurting?''
She said, ''Everywhere. See?"
She touched her arm and said, "OUCH!"
She touched her leg and, "OUCH!"
She touched her nose, "OUCH!"
"See?" she cried, " I am hurting all over!''
The doctor laughed and said, ''What you've got is a broken index finger!"
A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. the audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do
the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week, and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting out in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything about it. After all, it was the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for the whole day, and then another. Finally on the third day, the parrot could not hold back any longer:
"O.K., I give up... Where's the ****ing ship?
What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot!
Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge?
For people who don't drink.
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables, and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he's approached by the barman who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"
"Hmph," says the man, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”
“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely bins and emptying
them into his lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left
out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see
it so he knocks on he door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers...
"Harro", says the jappy chappy.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man
"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your
Wheely Bin?"
"OK" "OK" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having w**k"
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are
having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where
I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At
MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and
MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I
come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place,
Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys
you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come
from in Oirland, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At
Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your
second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey
take you in de back and get you laid!" "Wow!" say the other
two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!
Trending Topics
08 May 2009, 09:26 PM
#8
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An old couple from yorkshire go on holidiay to self catering appartments in spain.
They take everything they can think of, but when they unpack they realise they have forgotten the gravy to go with their daily roast dinner.
In a panic, the wife sends her husband off knocking on doors to get some.
He tries several appartments with no luck, eventually, some beetroot faced cockney answers the door.
Yorkshireman says " eyuup lad, as tha got anyee bisto"
Cockney says " f*ckoff, yer spanish c&nt"
They take everything they can think of, but when they unpack they realise they have forgotten the gravy to go with their daily roast dinner.
In a panic, the wife sends her husband off knocking on doors to get some.
He tries several appartments with no luck, eventually, some beetroot faced cockney answers the door.
Yorkshireman says " eyuup lad, as tha got anyee bisto"
Cockney says " f*ckoff, yer spanish c&nt"
08 May 2009, 10:01 PM
#9
Teacher asks her class to construct a sentence using theword contagious.
Billy says " My brother is at home today in bed as he has measles. Measles are bad we could all catch themas they are contagious"
"Well done" says teacher "Billy you next"
"Well Miss. When I was younger we went to a chicken pox party to catch them as they're contagious"
"Fantastic " says teacher "Johnny what about you?"
"Well Miss. My next door neighbour is painting the outside of his house with a 1 inch brush. My dad says it will take the daft c*nt ages.
Billy says " My brother is at home today in bed as he has measles. Measles are bad we could all catch themas they are contagious"
"Well done" says teacher "Billy you next"
"Well Miss. When I was younger we went to a chicken pox party to catch them as they're contagious"
"Fantastic " says teacher "Johnny what about you?"
"Well Miss. My next door neighbour is painting the outside of his house with a 1 inch brush. My dad says it will take the daft c*nt ages.
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