NotoriousREV

I could do with some help with some behaviours my 4 year old lad is displaying that's beginning to really annoy and worry me and is also starting to draw comments from his nursery and pre-school.

Most of the time he's very well behaved and he's very intelligent (I know all parents say that) but he gets bored very, very quickly. And when he gets bored he gets "silly". And the only way the silly phase ends is either with him sat on the naughty step (sometimes several times) and occasionally with a smacked ****.

Today, for example, he was being silly at pre-school, basically laughing and making a mess with his drink and and was completely unresponsive when the teacher told him to behave and when he did respond, it was to laugh in the teachers face.

He does do this with us and we always respond with the Supernanny-approved approach of explaining that his behaviour is bad, why it's bad and what will happen if he doesn't stop e.g. naughty step or toys being put (or even thrown) away and then following through on the threat which always ends up with him crying his eyes out.

Never once when he gets in this mood does he voluntarily calm down, it always, without fail, ends with us having to carry out whichever punishment and him in tears. Sometimes, this also leads to him being very aggresive (hitting or throwing things and him roaring in rage) which can also be triggered by him not getting his own way.

I don't want to give the impression that he's really badly behaved because the vast majority of the time he's lovely and has a really gentle nature but we really need to knock the bouts of "sillyness" and aggression on the head ASAP. I'd really like it if we could get him to stop acting up without having to get heavy with the punishment, it feels like we've failed somewhere if it's getting that far every time.

Any constructive advice from parents would be very welcome

hodgy0_2

is it related to food in any way, i.e. too much sugar

years ago when we were traveling on holiday in Italy, to reward our then two children (now have 5) for being very well behaved on a long journey we bought them a bag of skittles, fvck me 2 mins later they both just exploded, sugar rush, since then we've always been mindful of food\sweets etc

didnt Jamie Oliver do a similiar thing with some families up north, sorted the food/diet out which had the consequence of calming some unruly children

greatgonzo

iTrader: (1)

I'm a mother of 2 boys and a primary school teacher so my husband has asked me to reply to your message.
It seems as though your boy is acting perfectly normal for his age!! My advice would be to try to ignore the bad behaviour as much as possible and focus on the good - eg. loads of over the top praise when he is being good and try to distract him when it seems as though the bad behaviour is beginning by averting his attention to something else. I'm sure that you are already doing this and just remember that children do anything to get a reaction - even a negative reaction.

NotoriousREV

No, he has a fairly limited diet as he's a fussy little bugger and won't eat sweets at all. He only drinks milk or water. Food-wise he tends to eat bread, pasta, rice and most meats and he loves fruit but not veg. He likes crisps but not chips. He gets his food fadiness from me, unfortunately.

NotoriousREV

Thanks for replying! It seemed normal to me, but it's getting to the stage when either the nursery or the school are "having a word" nearly every time he goes (he's at a private nursery 1.5 days a week and has 3 half day sessions at pre-school).

I tell you what, between them the nursery/school are doing a great job of making us feel like failures as parents.

FlightMan

Sounds exactly the same as my two, when they were both 4. Keep doing what you're doing, maybe tell his pre-school you're aware he can be difficult and you're working on it, and he'll grow out of it.

finalzero

My son was/is like that, he is 5 years old now.

The hard truth might be you are neglecting him... not intentionally but he may be seeing it that way i.e. your not giving him the attention (or enough attention) he is warranting.

My son was like that to the point his school teachers advised me he was gettting other children into trouble (he is a popular kid).

Due to my work demands I wasn't paying enough attention to him so I tried to change that, even spending 30 minutes after work has helped a lot.

Most of the problems seem to stem from the ****box TV he keeps watching which I have banned now

NotoriousREV

Excellent. 2 votes for "normal". I don't think anything can try your patience like a 4 year old

TopBanana

Mine behaves like that when he's either overexcited or tired. I've heard that this sort of thing can be also down to disturbed sleep, sometimes due to sleep apnoea - you might not even be aware of it. Worth checking out.

As mentioned, diet could also be to blame.

NotoriousREV

I do think he watches too much TV but without it you end up doing a million different activities with him every half hour (poor excuse, I know). I do work longish hours so I sometimes he only gets to see me just before he goes to bed. Me and the wife take it in turns to put him to bed and read stories etc.

Actually, his behaviour is worse when me and the wife are with him, it's like he wants us both to fight for his attention. With either one of us on his own, he's a lot calmer.

Lily The Beige

I don't think you are bad parents. I think the fact you asked the question shows how much you care about him.

Our daughter 10 is badly effected by Coke, the Cola kind, (we sometimes give it her for a laugh though- bad parents)

Our son 8 is much easier to manage if we go outside. We do alot of bike rides, walking and trampolining. I found Stephen Biddulph book Raising Boys helpful too. He suggests little boys need strong male role models, often lacking in pre school settings.

Good luck
Liz

greatgonzo

iTrader: (1)

It seems to me that the nursery/school are not speaking to you correctly if they are making you feel that way. Maybe you should let them know how they are making you feel. They should be giving you helpful advice not making you feel bad. As an outsider I would say that you are very good parents just for being aware of the situation.
I suspect your son is bright and may not feel challenged enough in a play-based situation. I teach a year one class (5/6 year olds) and many of the boys actually benefit from the clearer boundaries that come with a more structured environment.
Please don't loose heart and keep up the good work.

Lady-Turbo-Wrx

Hiya
i think what your experiencing is quite normal for a 4 year old,as my little fella is 5 and is still prone to being a bit Naughty,but one things for sure if he gets a negitive reaction from you when he's "Bad" he's most likely to keep on pushing you,until you smack him,i tried everything from smacking to naughty steps,and i got know where,until i put myself in his shoes,so thought about the things that meant the most to him,and put what i new into a new plan of action..has at 4 he was quite understanding about what was good & bad,so when he was Naughty say like a tantrum,instead of getting angry with him i would remove him,to the Kitchen where i was and with the aid of a timer make him sit there till it pinged.. if he carried on,i would make the time longer,after a while he realised,no amount of playing up was working,but sitting quietly got rewards,like he was able to play the Wii,or the playstation,even have a special snack,sounds silly but it worked,but it takes patience,yes i would want to shout or tell him off,but that made me a bigger version of him i have done this many times has for my sins lol i have 6 kids..

Sonic'

Dave

give me a bell tomorrow, pm'ing my number now

+Doc+

My little girl was starting to show behaviour similar to this at home but not at school, not violent but just ignoring us and generally not doing as she was told etc.
We have started a reward chart based around the tried and tested star for good behaviour, doing chores etc.
It seems to be working 10x better than the naughty step, and her behaviour has improved ten fold.

I hear boys are worse than girls, not much help but makes me feel better

DCI Gene Hunt

Just sounds like he's pushing the boundries, best thing is to keep watching to see what develops!

cster

What time does he go to bed mate.
They need a fair bit of sleep at that age and also a degree of consistancy/boundaries.
My children at that age went to bed (and asleep) at 7pm.
Keeping them up late (like on holidays) was a sure fire way of getting poor behaviour out of them the next day.
Maybe we were just lucky, but worth a thought.

The Zohan

We have two girls 6 & 3.5 and have been through similar. The rewards chart is a real good way to engage children and get them on your side and nothing wrong with rewarding good behaviour with the odd star which we complie on a chart on the freezer door.

Miniman

iTrader: (2)

My 7 year old was sort of like this, maybe not so difficult to calm down, but the start of the problems appear to startoff the same as yours. All this started about this time of year (he was born in September), ie when he was 4.5 years. We had about 6 months of problems. Then when he joined school in the next September (at 5 years) it all changed. He was still able to get bored very easily, but the general resulting behavoiur never materialised. He actually found other things to do.

At the time (May/JuneJuly) we didn't realise what was happening, but once he got to school we realised he wasn't being challenged enough previously. The Preschool class catered for about 3.5 years upwards and being 4.5 he just didn't get the mental stimulation he should have. I daresay it was more fun to misbehave than doing whan the 3 year olds were doing.

Some kids go to school when they are 4.5 years anyway, well my boy was effectiively 6 months behind in his mental stimulation compared to them.



Also I agree with several of the previous posts, we had to vary the reward/discipline system (I think he go bored of them, lol), so we went through the naughty step, rewards chart, stopping him doing certain things (getting book at night, having a bath), confiscating toys or favourite foods etc, each lasted a month before we had to find something else that had the desired effect.

Geezer

That sort of behaviour is not abnormal for a 4 yr old, but the frequency of it certainly isn't.

We found the naughty step or equivalent to be of limited use, as was stopping them playing with their toys or whatever. You cannot keep the child away from it's play things indefinitely, and they know that ultimately they will be able to return to doing what they want.

However, what we did find effective was that if they did behave very badly, was to stop them from doing something which they would not have the oppurtunity to do again, e.g. going to a friend's party or some such thing.

That seemed to hit home, a real lost 'event' that they were looking forward to is a much greater loss than 10 minutes not playing with toys.

You have to be quite hard about it though, as sometimes it is a family event you had planned and everyone loses out, but if the behaviour is really unacceptable, then sacrifices have to be made by you.

Another one is when you are already out, and they behave very badly. Just a quick word to say that if they don't stop, you will leave. If they continue, just go, no messing.

It's important that when it has all calmed down that you explain to them why you took this action.

Of course, you solve this behaviour, and as they get older you get different problems


Geezer

Leslie

Could well be that he needs a bit of good old fashioned discipline to teach him that he cannot get away with what is after all a bout of selfish behaviour. We all have to learn that we cannot always do just as we personally want in society.

Les

Matteeboy

Hmmm - our 5 month old is currently going through a "wake up lots at night" stage having slept through. He may well compete!

SJ_Skyline

Rev,

Sounds totally normal to me. Stick with it, it sounds like you're being a good parent to me.

MattW

NRev, my youngest is four, coupled with red hair she can be a prize sh*t at times. She knows exactly what she is doing as well.

NotoriousREV

Thanks to everyone who gave advice or shared experiences, it's really helped me feel a lot better and that he is just a normal 4 year old. MrsREV had a chat with the school today and cleared the air a bit.

I especialy want to thank Sonic for spending an hour of his precious family time talking on the phone and offering loads of practical advice and help and generally making feel loads better (and not forgetting Donna as well!). Cheers mate

Clarebabes

God, my daughter was pretty horrible at that age and had loads of problems with her when she first went to school. I used to hate picking her up because I'd get the teacher beckoning me over and I thought, "oh no, what has she done now!?"

But, look on the brightside, she's 10 now, and even though we get the occasional bad behaviour (like once or twice a year) at school, she is mainly really good, gets good reports and tries her best.

(She is also very intelligent! Gets it from her mum obviously )

Chin up, in 6 year's time, he'll be fine

The Dogs B******s

We've got 4year old twins(boy & girl)they normally play up for the wife,but with me there normally good.My little lad has become abit of a terror,the wife say's he just like me

NotoriousREV

As I said to Sonic, it's hard when you seem him do something naughty and you instantly recognise it as something you'd do

SJ_Skyline

My two have just turned one, I think I'll be bouncing this thread to the top in 3 years time