Stollen from Midland Scoobies
04 February 2009, 02:23 PM
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Stolen from Midland Scoobies
The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK
Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow .
The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed
youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a
set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros
worth of high tech equipment.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move
by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition
of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the
advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice
session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in
less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged
and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Carlsberg
Special, 50 ecstacy tablets and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the
shower.
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician,
'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied .
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your ***** is under your pillow.'
MEN NEVER LISTEN
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK
Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow .
The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed
youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a
set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas
Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros
worth of high tech equipment.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move
by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition
of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the
advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice
session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in
less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged
and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Carlsberg
Special, 50 ecstacy tablets and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the
shower.
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .
She says to the mortician,
'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied .
You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.
'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your ***** is under your pillow.'
MEN NEVER LISTEN
Last edited by spireite; 04 February 2009 at 02:32 PM.
04 February 2009, 02:30 PM
#2
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FYI Stollen is a type of German cake.
It is not bad and if you can get some from Midland Scoobies then I suggest you get some to try, they do many different versions of Stollen and they are all pretty good.
It is not bad and if you can get some from Midland Scoobies then I suggest you get some to try, they do many different versions of Stollen and they are all pretty good.
04 February 2009, 02:33 PM
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doh
05 February 2009, 07:31 AM
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Nice to see gags as old and the internet still reappearing from time to time. That reminds me I must dig out my poster of the female tennis player scratchiing her pert bare ar$e
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