SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'



And then the fight started...




******************************************



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to
the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The
wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back,now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."



My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"


And that's how the fight started...



******************************************



I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!



He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!"



So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"



And then the fight started.....



*****************************************



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

seconds.'



I bought her a scale.



And then the fight started...



******************************************



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
so, I took her to the petrol station.



And then the fight started...



******************************************



After retiring, I went to the council offices to apply for pension. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.



The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me' and she processed my Pension application



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Pensions office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'



And then the fight started...



******************************************



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my old school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.


My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'



'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'



'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'



And then the fight started...



******************************************



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."



And then the fight started...



******************************************



A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'



The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'



And then the fight started....

Blue by You

iTrader: (23)

Usual standard of first class gags Swiss.

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

they wernt that funny

davegtt

I enjoyed most of them

MissyV

They made me lol!

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

Apologies , I shall present you this then. The 2nd best pub sign going

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

lol, i like that one

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my X-box.

Boom, boom, tish!

------------------------------
I came up with what I thought was a really good idea. I started wanking in the shower, as I knew my wife wouldn't catch me in there.

It was working out pretty well until they took away my gym membership.

thesyn

keep on posting them Swish

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

showers are slippery enough without you men making it worse

Tam the bam

I said to the wife, "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'."

..............

The next time your wife or girlfriend refuses to give you a *******, just remind her that it's a lot easier for them to drink a spoonfull of milk than it is for you to lick a dead fish!!

..........

Last night I was halfway through ******** the missus when I suddenly shouted, "STOP!"

When she said, "What?" I simply replied, "Hammer time!"

She was less than impressed.

............

My girlfriend said she wanted to experiment in the bedroom...

So I got her a chemistry set and went to the pub

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

got one

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, 'You want to play 'Magic'?'

She says, 'What's that?'

He says, 'We go to my house and ***, and then you disappear.'

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

Apparently, it's a legitimate issue!

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

lol, what a disgusting senario



i did find it a bit hard to swallow

Leslie

All good ones Swiss.

Les

fivetide

iTrader: (1)

Save time, money, water and energy by simply having a tommy tank before you get in the shower.

5t.

New_scooby_04

iTrader: (4)

You just said a mouthful, Sara!

How did the SN pervs not jump on that one?!?!?!

Godspeed Brakes

iTrader: (259)

A little boy comes into the kitchen and says to his mum " granny's got a prawn !" the mother says " what on earth do you mean ? " the little boy takes his mother and shows granny , stark naked on the sofa . He points to granny's protruding clitoris and says " Granny's got a prawn !" the mother whispers " thats your grandmothers clitoris son !" to which the little boy replies .... "Well it tastes like a prawn !"......

Godspeed Brakes

iTrader: (259)

MAN FLU

Having been near paralysed with a devastating bout of Man-Flu this week, and receiving precisely no sympathy from any of my female colleagues, I've decided it's time to dispel the myths about this terrible affliction that smug women everywhere seem all too eager to believe.

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' - which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it.

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast)..

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care.
Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together.

I Thank You for your support!!

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

because they are not as quick as you

SwissTony

iTrader: (19)

blimey missed one sara

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

I was told that salt water showers were good for you!

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

i shall bring my umbrella



lol at swissy bagging the corner, i was eating my dinner

Luan Pra bang

this is the short version of my favourite joke
This one day this guy was driving down this country road....there were not many houses at all on the sides of the road and he went for 10 mins and didn't even see a car. His engine started sputtering and making werid noises and the engine died...he rolled to a stop and was right in front of this old house with a tiny barn in the back yard. He got out and saw this old man walking over to him. The guy that was driving told the old man that his engine had just quit running. The old man said "well....I am a certified mechanic and if you like you can stay here over night and I will have this baby running by early morning". The younger guy said "sure that would be very nice of you". The old man said "but you will have to sleep in the barn because I have no room in the house".

The young man said "thats fine,I really appriciate you giving me a place to stay overnight and for fixing my car". The old man said "no problem,let me know before you go to bed because I got something to show you" Then the old man and the young guy pushed the car off the road and into the old man's front yard.

About 1 hour later the young guy found the old man and told him that he was gonna head to bed. The old man said "ok,follow me I got something to show you". So the two walked out to the barn and the old man opened the old rotten wooden doors. They walked about half way to the back of the barn and the old man bent down and pulled this door up from the floor of the barn. And started walking down steps that was beneath the door. They walked down hill down these steps for what seemed like 10 mins. Then they came to a BIG STEEL DOOR. The old man pushed a button and the steel door opened up. Then they were in this corridor and was heading downhill still yet again but it was not steps,a grade heading downhill and the floor was concrete.

Then they came to another steel door,man pushed a button and it opened. The continued to walk and went through 7 more steel doors. Then they came to 1 more..the old man hit the button and just like all the others it opened up..Now this room was square in shape and had a HUGE steel cage sitting around the perimeter of the room. Right in the middle of this cage sat this HUGE pink gorilla.

The old man said "see that gorilla?" The young man said "yes". The old man said "you can do anything you want to that gorilla and it will not get mad,you can spit on it,punch it in the face through the bars,yell cuss words at it and it will just not get mad...but whatever you do DO NOT press that red button the wall over there". the old man then said "feel free to spend as much time as you want down here" The old man then left the room and steel door closed behind him....the young man was just fascinated(sp?) with this huge pink gorilla and set there for hours and then he got up and started yelling cuss words at it...the gorilla just sat there looking at him. then he picked up a rock that was on the ground,threw it and hit the gorilla right in the face...it just sit there looking at him...then he punched it through the bars. Gorilla did not do anything. The young man sit back down and his curiosity got to him and he went over to that red button.

He stared at the red button and minute and pressed it. Steam rose from the floor and filled the cage and then the entire cage lifted from the ground and the gorilla came charging at him FULL SPEED. The young man ran to the steel door,opened it and closed it behind him and ran up the corridor...the gorilla busted right throught the steel door. The young guy went through all 9 of the other steel doors and the gorilla busted through every one of them. The man jumped in his car,turned the key and the engine fired right up,and he took off down the road....he looked in his review mirror and saw the big gorilla right on his back bumper clawing at it with eyes big and red. He thought he was gonna die. He pulled onto the interstate and was doing 80mph down the road and looked in his mirror and there the gorilla was right behind him. He looked down and saw that he was almost out of gas..5 mins later the engine quit on him and he rolled to a stop and saw the gorilla coming around to the side of the car. He said his last prayer and knew he was gonna die. THe gorilla tapped on his window...the guy rolled the window down and the gorilla................................
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Tapped him on the shoulder and said "TAG...YOUR IT". the gorilla took off running

Melly

iTrader: (1)

mkay

Cheers
Melly

sarasquares

iTrader: (1)

i put these in the hutch earlier

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn’t been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris’s girlfriend unknowingly got the knickers.Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,

Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.


***and this one ***

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"