ritchie21

I'm sorry to pour this out on here but hubby is away for the weekend and I kinda figured that asking for the opinion of people who don't know me personally might help - independent perspective and all that.

To cut a very long story short, I lost my beloved dad just over 6 years ago to a very rare form of cancer, Carcinoid Syndrome. Of course I think about him every day and miss him all the time but over the last year or so it seems to feel as raw as it did when we first lost him.

Today for instance, I sat to watch a film, enjoying having controls of the tv remote!! But, I found myself just sat not being able to get my dad off my mind and blubbing like a baby for nearly 3 hours. Nothing in my life has changed really but for some reason it feels like i'm back to square one.

Is this 'normal' in so far as it can ever be normal in situations like these??

Sorry for waffling on here.

spireite

Thats feelings for you , don't worry its normal to feel this way its the little things that set it off

bigsinky

are you on medication? SSRIs (happy pills), have you been to counselling sessions or have you just soldiered on the past 6 years?

ritchie21

No medication! I don't want to take anything like that and I don't think I need it - it's plain old grief. I'm just surprised that it's crept up again like this. Just wondered if others had similar experiences.

bigsinky

i could go on about denial, anger, rationalisation, acceptance and growth but you probably don't want to hear about that right now.

best thing i ever did was going to counselling, sceptical at first, but it really helped to talk to someone who is trained/has experience of grief.

Chris.B

iTrader: (4)

Get some tabs off the Doctor.
Set yourself a goal, 6 months or so... You'll be glad you did!

MrRA

What you are feeling is grief, plain and simple. There are no rules, no set time periods to say when you will stop feeling this way.

Everyone is different and can deal with emotions differently from the next person.

When I finished with my girlfriend a few years back it took me two and a half years before I finally felt that I could move on and was ready to meet someone else.

Do not go around thinking that there is something wrong with you. You are just feeling an immense loss from your perspective.

ritchie21

Maybe...thanks for the advice. My mum is a trained counsellor at a hospice and is always trying to give me counselling but she's just too close.

Thankyou for your suggestion though...maybe that's what I need??

Scoobychick

iTrader: (1)

Hi Laura

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling like this. I can't offer any help from experience but I do have broad shoulders and an ear so give me a shout if that's of any use

Sal.x

ritchie21

Definately don't want to go down the tablets route. Put on them when we had the terminal diagnosis as I was in my final degree year. Just me feel numb and I'd rather not feel like that again.

GC8

Perfectly normal. Its severe, but no two people would have dealt with it in the same way.

ritchie21

Thanks Sal. Offer is much appreciated and you might just regret it one day!

Slightly off topic, I started a new piece with Gavin yesterday - will post pics up soon.

bigsinky

ritchie

i'm not a gp, where is john banks when you need him. i can only go on my experience here. SSRIs helped me. i didn't even get out of bed for 3 months. i blamed myself and regretted things i had said/done. when i eventually went to my gp he prescribed some tablets. took a few tries at getting one that was right for me, but i can understand why you don't want to take them. not so much stigma now attached to taking "happy pills" as i call them and they definately helped me to "function". Don't get me wrong i still have my moments and like you it's the wee things that bring it all back. i have learned to read the signs for myself after i went to counselling and having someone close who has a serious mental illness has given me a greater insight into all things mental.

counselling is not cheap £50 -£70 an hour, but last year my surgery has taken on a counsellor who does pro bono work (the surgery pay him) and i would see him maybe once every 3 months.

chin up, i feel for you. it's not a nice place to be.

ritchie21

Thanks Bigsinky. I'm not worried about stigma at all, have been on them before (various) but don't like the fact that they make me feel so numb.

I'm sorry to hear you were so bad, I've never been at that stage but can understand how it gets that far. I just miss him so dreadfully and the physical ache just seems to be worse than it was in the beginning.

I don't know, just feeling sorry for myself I guess but thanks guys for all the kind and helpful comments. They really are much appreciated.

Lee247

My Dad died over 20 years ago. He was took at 47 years old, massive brain bleed. Here on the Wednesday, gone on the Thursday.

If it's any consolation, I still cry on his birthday, Fathers Day and worst of all, at Christmas.

I doubt you will ever get over it, but rest assured it is quite normal. I talk to my friends when I am feeling down, helps immensely.

Take care. Lee x

bigsinky

i gave myself a choice, feel numb, but function normally or take nothing and listen to my mother says "you need to buck your ideas up son and get on with your life". old school, my mother, "we didn't have time to be depressed, we just got on with things". just the help i needed at the time....NOT.

to be honest i don't think the pain ever goes away. been 9 years now for me and while it is a lot less, as i said before, i still have my moments. does the strength of feeling surprise you still after 6 years?

ritchie21

To be honest yes. My dad was my best friend and we did so much together. But I thought I'd got used to the fact that he wasn't here anymore. Kinda just feel like the wind has been knocked out of my sails with it all because although I've always had bad days and it's still painful, it was easier - if that makes sense.

all of a sudden it just doesn't feel easier anymore

john banks

There are so many individual factors to consider, but if you regularly/persistently feel like this after six years (ie it isn't just anniversaries, triggers of memories, or you've just felt like this for a short time), then further help may be useful, and probably not with medication initially given what you've already said. Why not contact Cruse Bereavement Care ?

ritchie21

Thanks John. Might just do that. It's not been a regular feeling though over the last 6 years....been improving over time as I always expected to do. But just gotten worse over the last year. That's why I'm so confused really!!

Thanks again.

Timwinner

iTrader: (3)

It is normal, Your not strange, Your not going mad. Loosing a loved one can be a completely devastating chapter.
You will cope better as time goes on and there is nothing wrong with having a cry.
I have been there, In many ways I am still there.

Try to think what your Dad might have said if he could see you, I bet he would have laughed and told you its going to be ok??
Well it will be ok, It just sucks from time to time.
You will be ok.

We cant all be strong all the time.

StickyMicky

A lot of people feel the same way you do, in fact i would say most probably do, i personally don't but i respect the fact that most others do.

my old fella passed away a year gone at Christmas from a surprise heart attack, while i still think of him now and again as expected, i am the type of person who does not really get worried or stressed over things, that i can not do absolutely anything about.

Julz1983

Laura, I know exactly how you feel and what you mean.
My Dad died 6 years yesterday, I was 19, was having the first grandchild to be born one month after his death and was also moving 7 hours drive away from home. In the space of 6 weeks I had got married, had a child and buried my Dad, not what I thought I would have been doing. Mostly birthdays, christmas, fathers day etc is when I really feel crap and could just cry all day, in between occassions theres the odd thing that stops me in my tracks and I start to think, thats when it all comes back and hits me. I've done the questions in my head, why, what if, could go on all day but it isn't going to bring him back. I've found it easier now than what it was like for the first year or so but I still have feelings and they creep up unexpectedly, I can sit and think of all the memories, I was close to my Dad too, I would go to work with him in my school holidays, he found out I smoked, just silly things like that but it all adds up.
I went to my Mam's yesterday and we were saying how strange it was that I never knew my Dad's dad as he died before I was born and then same thing happened with my daughter, she never knew her Grandad either on the same side of the family. Whether lives are planned out or it's just coincidence I have no idea, but it does make you wonder.

MattW

So many people with stories to tell... my Dad died nearly 7 years ago, he was 56. My eldest was 18 months and my youngest not even a glint. Those who still have both parents are very fortunate.

Matteeboy

Not at all the same but I still get random upset attacks about the baby we lost in Nov 2007 at 37 weeks.
Generally okay now but for some reason a couple of songs set me off every time.

Dreading losing my Dad eventually - loss of parents must be very hard to cope with even 6 years down the line.

Counselling sounds like a good plan.

Julz1983

I agree with you there Matt, people with both parents are very fortunate.
Last year I ended up being rushed into hospital with an on-going problem, it was the same time of year my Dad had been in hospital 5 years previous, it was the same hospital, the same ward and then I ended up in the same bed cubicle! I was convinced coz of my symptoms that I had the same thing and I wasn't going to come out of there again. I had a major operation and was hopeless for along time afterwards but I swore blind that I was getting out of there before the 25th Jan arrived, I pushed myself just to get home for the 23rd. As crap as I felt that night I was admitted I broke down and the nurse must have thought I was nuts, until I explained it was the same time of year, same ward but to top it off with the same bed cubicle had me in histerics, I thought that was where I was for my final days! It sounds so stupid now but at the time I was convinced. They offered to move me but there was a strange feeling that actually I wanted to just stay where I had been put.

fieldy

my younger brother died about 10 years ago now (february 1999). he died on his honeymoon. time does makes things a little easier but there is always something that will trigger an emotion. ive always tried to not get upset as thats realising he not around anymore. i try and think of the good things we did together, the bad things , and all the laughs. that will bring a smile to my face. he was only 13 months younger than me, so we were very close and were the best of mates aswell.
people will always find their own way of dealing with death. its just hard trying to find the best way for you. talking helps. bottling things up (like i used to) realy dosen't. its good to let loose with your feelings once and a while.............we are only human

Floodboy

I would also recommend the counseling. Ive never had it my self but my best friends wife is having it. He died in July 2007. She says it does help, her daughter is also now having counselling, she is only 3.

As for the feelings for you dad they will never change but the grief will get easier. My dad died 20 years ago but i still think about him all the time.

Rice Rocket

iTrader: (23)

Yeah, I think everyone is different, I lost my older brother, 16yrs ago on the 23 of the month theere and theres not a minute I don't think of himas he was more of a father than my actual father and also my best friend, so yes I think everyone copes with things differently. My g/f just lost her mum 6 months ago to overian cancer after a 3 1/2 yr battle, shes still in mourning if you like, very close with her mum, going to have a look at the link tha john posted and maybe speak to her about it.

Chin up, think of the good times rather than the sad times.

Paul.

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

I think you need to understand the grieving process a little.

I remember being shown similar to this: Bereavement - the process of grieving a loss years ago when I lost my uncle and grandfather in the space of 3 months.

If you see where you are in the process, you will hopefully understand what there is in front of you, how far you have come and how you can get through this.

Oh, and in answer to your original question: No it is not normal, but that does not mean it is wrong.

There's a good section in that link:

How long will I feel like this?

Answer

There is no straightforward answer to this as everyone experiences grief and mourning differently. Coming to terms with someone's death is a gradual process but eventually you will start to move on and make plans for the future. For most people it takes between one and two years to come to terms with the death of someone close to them.
Explanation

Coming to terms with the death of someone close to you is something that everyone experiences differently. Mourning the loss of someone is a gradual process and it takes time. Some people feel able to move on after a few months, for others this process takes years. It's unlikely that you will wake up one day and find that you have stopped grieving; you are more likely to find that you have good days and bad days - good days when you feel you are moving on and are over the worst and bad days when the grief still feels unbearable.
Eventually you should find that you aren't constantly thinking about the person who has died. When you do think about them you might remember happy times with them as well as feeling sadness. You will also start to make plans for the future. However, sometimes your circumstances can make it harder for you to move on and mean that your grief might take longer to work through. Circumstances that can prolong your grief are if:

• you have very little support, for example, no family or few friends and no religion or beliefs
• you have unfinished business with the person who has died or things left unsaid
• the person is missing and presumed to have died but there is no body - for example during natural disasters or war
• the way that the person died is difficult to come to terms with - for example an unsolved murder or a terrorist act
• you can't go to the funeral or there isn't one - for example if you live far away or aren't acknowledged by family and friends

Most people take between one and two years to come to terms with the death of someone very close to them. During this time your emotions change and there is a general feeling of moving on and getting better. However, sometimes this doesn't happen and then you might need help. Your GP is a good place to start. You should think about getting help if you:

• have trouble sleeping or have regular nightmares
• feel like you can't handle the strong emotions or physical feelings you are experiencing or you feel overwhelmed by your feelings
• still feel empty and numb months after the death has happened
• have no one that you can talk to about how you feel
• are dealing with your grief by drinking heavily or taking drugs
• are thinking about suicide

Julz1983

Just read the link you posted Kieran, quite useful to see what point you are at, think I've been through most of them and am finally at the letting go part, maybes already half there though as I can and do get on with my life but certain things can be a set back but not putting me right back to the start and doing it all over again. Laura, maybe's you need to or are already at the final letting go part? I think the last part is the most difficult as you never forget the person but when you hear somebody else telling you to 'let go' sometimes it feels to the person who is affected that it means to forget.