Snazy

Bit of a delicate one, and im sure some will be ready to shoot me down, but I thought I would take the chance and ask anyway.

1998, due to a series of events I lost contact with my daughter.

Ten years later....

2008 I think I might have just found her!!!

She is 14 next Feb, which is sooner than I planned trying to make contact again (for my own reasons) but given the ill health of my mother right now, I would love for her to have the chance to meet her Nan properly before she goes. As my mum is the only grandparent she has left alive.

Im not 100% sure its her, but 99.5% which is enough for me to try and follow up.

Now im not about to add her to my Facebook and scream, "hi, im ya dad" or go to the school she is listed at and try and introduce myself.

But how would you start the ball rolling.

I dont speak with her mother, but am gonna try that route to minimise upset etc. Would be happy for her to meet my mum without me there if that makes things easier.

Cor the thoughts going through my head right now, its like a headrush lol.

abbott

different to my case

i was adopted at 6 years old if my "biological parents" came looking for me i wouldnt be interested in the slightest infact i would be very dissapointed !


as i say though different to my case best of luck to you snazy !

and PS i have lost 2stone and 9LBs this year with your help !

Snazy

No no mate, you did it all yourself. Well done and keep it up

Yeah I can see your angle on that definatly. Not sure what lines have been strung out by her mum, I know the parting one was a killer blow to me though, so would not put anything past her.

However I know it would really make mum happy to see her again. And im sure in the long run it would be nice for Sian too to meet her last remaining grandparent.

speedking

I wouldn't have thought you could approach a girl who was 3 the last time she saw you, so through the mother is the only way. A small Christmas gift to break the ice, be honest about your intentions. Be prepared for rejection. Good luck.

Snazy

Fair point mate. Not expecting her to remember me or anything about me to be honest. Right now the list of importance is like this..

1. Is it her
2. What the hell does she look like now
3. Is she healthy
4. Will she meet her nan..

Anything after that is a bonus.
No false illusions that she will wanna know me, want to be around me, or have anything to do with me. Would not for one second miss the chance to share some time with her. But making up for lost time is furthest from my mind.

Got to be sure its her first, once thats done, im gonna try contact her mum.

DCI Gene Hunt

10 Years!... that's a feckin long time Snazy!

Start with the mother, make the call and take it step by step.

Goodluck, DCI

Snazy

Tis a few years isnt it. Dont like doing things by halves me
Due to the complex nature of it all, and a couple of run in's with her boyfriends (daughters mums) which caused upset, just felt like the right thing to do.

In retrospect....... who knows eh.

staffy-bull

Snazy,

Go for it by approaching her mother. I am 27 years old now, my mum and dad divorced when i was just 2 years old, mum remarried and had other children, when i was 9 years old i ended up in foster care for personal reason's and then i found out that my "Dad" was in fact my step dad, My mother wouldnt agree to me meeting my real dad as she didnt want me to be rejected, However i persisted with wanting to meet him for my own reasons and after alot of digging about my foster mother managed to track him down for me at the age of 14, the news was not what i wanted to hear as he was in the JR dieing with cirrhosis of the liver, i was tin two minds as to meet him or not but my mind was made up when his eldest daughter ~9that i didnt know about)made contact with me and said that he was waiting to meet me. I went along to the hospital to meet him with alot of motions and questions, i never got to ask those questions as within 5 minutes of him meeting me he died holding my hand. Still to this day i do resent my mum in a way for not letting him be a part of my life, still have the questions that he never got to answer, but worst of all is when my children ask me questions about him and i cannot answer them. So please dont let your daughter have un-answered questions, it may be a heart staking and long process with maybe some rejection on the way but at least you will know that you have tried...
Good luck and hope all works out for vicky xxx

Snazy

Vicky....

Thank you. For sharing that very touching story It certainly puts things in perspective.
My plan was always to wait til she was through school etc, so no upset could mess her life up. Finding a parent cannot be easy at the best of times. But after 10 years the last thing I want to do is disrupt her life at a crucial time.

I will always be there for her, 24-7, but dont think she is at the stage of being curious jut yet.

With mum being ill, the last thing I want is her never meeting ANY grandparents. Its Ironic, but the only grandparent I ever knew was my fathers mother too, so its almost carrying on a legacy.

Im sorry you never managed to ask those questions of your father. But being there at that moment was no doubt important and special in itself.

Thank you again

staffy-bull

Just a thought but have tried putting everything into a letter/diary, at least then her mother can never say you never cared/bothered, And i am certain that if she knows about you then she will be curious already..

Jamo

iTrader: (23)

through the mother old lad, its the only way. you have to come to terms with the idea shes calling someone else dad and has been for a long time. she may on the other hand know everything it really depends on the mother so your the only one best equipped to answer that question.

id say do what you think to be best mate, as im sure whatever I can think of for you to do only you will know for sure what you want and need to do in this situation, so you should just do what it is you think is best.

does that make sense?

I really truly hope it works out for you though mate, id be lost without my little girl

ATB

james

Snazy

Have done just that

Cheers James, I know exactly what you mean. I dont expect her to have any real knowledge of me to be fair. So it would be starting from scratch.
Having grown up without my dad I know the sort of thoughts going through her mind, some good, some bad.

I would not dream of contacting her directly. Thats totally out of the question

PeteBrant

Blimey mate. Tricky one.

I can tell you from second hand experience the Mother will go absolutely bananas if you try the direct route. I would try going through the Mother as suggested, and remember slowly slowly catchy monkey - Don't expect a lasting solution to present itself within weeks.

PaulC72

Snaz, deffo +1 the mother route its probably the only way to do it without causing many problems.

Good luck mate.

Snazy

Pete, I would not dream of expecting that. Its a long dirty road to travel im sure.
I have a Plan B already lol, but I will go with plan A for now and try and see if I can sort out making contact with her mum, and then see if she or they are willing to see my mum.

Thanks for the comments guys and girls. Much appreciated and all food for thought.

mrtheedge2u2

+2 for the mother route..... but strap yourself in as it may get turbulent

Snazy

Im expecting nothing less than a bad shuttle launch to be honest.

Will tread as carefully as I can, but obviously I want the best result possible. If personal contact with her is not possible at this time, I will take contact with my mum so she can see her again

Snazy

PS from the tiny image available of her, she looks just like her mum. So if its not her, thats freaky lol

David Lock

Is there a third party that you can use to test the waters? Someone that knew you both before WW3?

Kieran_Burns

iTrader: (1)

I would:

• Set up a 25 mile exclusion zone
• Start a press campaign saying that there had been a nerve gas leakage
• kill random amounts of the local wildlife as proof
• Set up a HUGE colour light display tied into a state of the art sound system
• Play 5 hypnotic notes while waving your hand around in an attempt to communicate

No?



Well in which case. I would prepare a very carefully worded letter to the mother ASKING that your daughter can visit your mum.
Be prepared for outright rejection though. There may be all sorts of reasons - for all you know: your daughter might think you're dead, or a complete ^%$^%

You may want to explore other avenues such as preparing videos of your mum and yourself? I know it seems cheesy but something is better than nothing


K.

Scoobychick

iTrader: (1)

Michael, I'll be so pleased for you if it does indeed turn out to be her

I can only echo with what everyone else has said re the mother route. Good luck matey, I really, really, REALLY hope it all works out for you

Snazy

Yeah I am speaking to them about it now. Their kids grew up with her for a few years, so did think maybe they could break the ice with Sian directly, but prob the wrong way to do it.

If I am gonna have to find where her mum lives to make contact, I might as well make it a family member that makes contact. Either my mum, or my sister, with Sian's cousins.

Im not particularly happy to return to the circles we knew each other in for their help, so better to keep it close to home I reckon.
Either way, its unlikely to be me that makes the contact, other than through a solicitor or professional mediating service. Might even be the best way to do it.

Like I say though, one step at a time, got to see if this is the right person to be making contact with. Which im 99.5% it is.

fatherpierre

Good luck, mate.

I 1st met my real Dad when I was 28 anbd found out he'd been trying to find me since he let me go @ 5. My family refused to help him for 18 years.

He died about 8 months after he 'found' me. But I now have another family I would never have had.

So pleased I met him.

Every circumstance is different.

FlightMan

Got to agree with above mate, go via herMum first. How you word it is the tricky bit, maybe something along the lines of asking her permission to talk, that way letting her be in control? If she says yes, brilliant, if it's a no then you need to decide how to proceed.

Snazy

lol fear not, complete rejection has been my main expectation for about 6-7 years now, resentment for not trying sooner etc. As for stories her mum may have made up, im prepared to come back from the dead, reverse my sex change, and grow my legs back, as well as reform from my drug habit, and give up being a vampire.
Whatever the case, im very much expecting to be considered a complete arsehole lol.

As for the vid etc, tis a good idea, and a very good back up plan indeed, but hoping they can at least meet, even without me.

Letter not possible at the moment as I have no idea where they are living, hence the extended silence.

Cheers Sally
here's to hoping eh

Snazy

I met mine at about 15 and even then he could not care less. I was not really bothered to be honest, but am still aware to this day of the things my mum used to say about him, not nasty, but not encouraging either.

Sorry to hear about your situ, sounds like it was a tough one to deal with indeed.


Exactly how I intend on doing it if it comes to that
Her mum would have full control as long as it was to everyones benefit.

njkmrs

Not in a position to give advice on this one but good luck and dont give up .

You need to be in contact .

mamoon2

Michael,

Not seen you on here for a bit, hope all is well.

I agree with speaking to the mother first but don't agree with leaving making contact till she's finished school as to not distract her. I see your reasoning in this but she may not feel the same and understand that. You may find that your love and support would only help her through her teens (which is a difficult time anyway).

The longer you leave it the harder it will be.

Hope it all works out for you mate.

m1cks

How have you seen the girl who you think you may be your daugther? (facebook, in the street, photos from friends etc.)

Is there any way over the 10 years since, that her mother may have mellowed a bit? If not, does she have any family (parents) you could contact instead, to try and coax her round to the idea of contact.

I'm sure your daughter still has thoughts about who her real dad is despite what her mother may have said.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

Stephb1986

Hi Snazy, What brill news for you to find her!

Perhaps you could get in contact with her mum and ask her or write a letter even explaining why your getting in contact.

I haven't seen my dad since i was 7 years old im now 22, i seen him last weekend for the first time since i was 7. Now my dad did some terrible things he use to hit us and was an alcoholic and made my life hell for years. So I seen him in woolworths in town on a saturday i walked up to him and told him exactly what i thought of him and his tart.

Dont leave it aslong for as i have make the contact whats the worst that could happen?

Good luck

Steph xx