spireite

One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike 'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!'
'Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery,' Mike replies. 'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Tesco Club card points as well'.
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks'.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
i) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
ii) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
iii) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
iv) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
v) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.
vi) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.........
Thank you for shopping at Tesco

LG John

LOL, I actually quite like that

spireite

And a few for our Irish friends


Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!



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Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"



Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!"



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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"



He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M

A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!



The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.



Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.



"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.



"I cant work in the friggin dark! " says Murphy.



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Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours Of amazing sex Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"



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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & Lies on the bed spread-eagled & says "You know what I want don't you?"



"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!"



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Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?



A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your **** if you get a dodgy one!



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Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.



He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!



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Paddy's chat up lines:



1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!

2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!

3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!

4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!

5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts tighten up!

6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!



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Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who's head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"



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Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like Mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" & storms off.



He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks "What did you do?"



Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!"



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An Irishman is ******** a Jewish girl & says "You're not very tight for A Jew!"



She says "Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!"



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Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didnt even know they had mobile phones!"



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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say "Crikey!

Theres a bloke here who was 152!"



Paddy says "Whats his name?"



Mick replies "Miles from London!"



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An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts "Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!"

dunx

iTrader: (3)

Thanks, that's made my day !

LOL

DunxC

wiley

iTrader: (63)

haha
lol

wiley

spireite

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.



Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris



P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

spireite

A mugger stops a well dressed man and says "give me all your money!" the man says "dont you know who i am!! im gordon brown, your prime minister!!" so the mugger says "in that case give me all MY money!"

spireite

Black *********



A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure

A young student nurse appears to give him partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my ********* black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my ********* black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his *********, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his ***** in one hand and his ********* in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -back ? '

jayb1970

After much investigation by the FBI i has now been decided that it was not terrorists that attacked the Twin Towers, it was actually Paddy and Mick, a couple of Irish chippies working on the 80th floor.They were fitting a new door onto one of the offices when Paddy said to Mick,

'This door is too big for the frame, go and get a plane and take a bit off the top will ya'