Notice to staff
22 November 2008, 08:43 AM
#1
Notice to staff
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our
future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program will be called SCREW. (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through
our Special High Intensity Training (****).
We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given
our employees more **** than any company in this area.
If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see
your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
**** you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!
The Management
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our
future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their
employment records before actual retirement takes place.
This review phase of the program will be called SCREW. (Survey of
Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the
company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through
our Special High Intensity Training (****).
We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given
our employees more **** than any company in this area.
If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see
your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
**** you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!
The Management
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