rr_ww

I'm asking for advice here.

A guy I've known for 6 years or so has been going out with his current GF for maybe 3. They have an 18 month old son together. However, over the last year or so Ive started to notice that hes been treating her more and more like ****! I tried to stay out of it but after recent events and the way he behaves towards them regarding just about EVERY aspect of the relationship. Money/Affection/Monogamy/Parental skills/Trust. I, and several others have decided to end out association with him. I also know that not 1 of her friends or family can stand him. So its not just me being paranoid.

No great loss, but when I visited his GF today to collect some personal items (which she did of course) her attitude was one of "Well you need to sort things out with him! I dont like being in the middle of all this!"

She's completely in denial about how bad it is. Its like Stockholm Syndrome. I dont believe hes actually hitting her yet. But not all spousal abuse is physical! I get the impression hes blaming us or her for his behaviour.


I said she's welcome to call/email me whenever she wants, (wont be easy with him monitoring her Facebook, Email, Phonecalls, Txts ) but I want to do more to help her. I think she trusts me generally so I guess thats on my side. But at the same time I know that if I push too much she'll go the wrong way.

Suggestions from the great Scoobynet Mind force welcome.

stilover

Suggestions?

Here's one. Keep out of it.

You could end up being hated by both your mate and his GF. Let them get on with it. It's there life.

cossie-nutter

iTrader: (45)

Keep out of it mate as it will only blow up in your face!

Don't take this the wrong way Please but do you like the girl abit more than your letting on ?

By the sounds of it as well shes is going to have to learn the hard way and no matter what anyone says she will always do the opposite until 1 dy she see's through all the crap and stands up for her self and get shot of him or maybe some help!

Please don't take my post the wrong way!

rr_ww

Cossie.

No offence taken. I like her in the sense that Id rather she wasnt getting mentally battered. I do care for her though. Id much rather she went and found someone else though. Shes too young for me anyway 9 years age gap!

I suspect your both right though. Dont give a fig about "mate" but as you say probably going to have to ride this one out until she wakes up and takes her own action.

harry007

I agree. stay out of it!!

phil_wrx

iTrader: (2)

sounds like someone fancies there mates girlfriend

Aaron1978

iTrader: (12)

i agree with cossie nutter, but if you feel you can't leave it and it is bad as you say, then in my opinion you've got to get equal help from mutual friends (if it is as you say they'll want to help), because as cossie nutter says it does come across as though you like her more than your letting on!

good luck anyway.

Aaron

Sonic'

I would keep out too





















well post some pics first

Lisawrx

iTrader: (1)

As sad as it is I think you may well need to stay out of it. She needs to wake up to what is happening to her, or get to a point to do something about it herself. There could be countless reasons she is staying with him, and until she can find the strength to get out, no amount of support or talking to her from you or anyone else will probably make any difference.

If you don't feel you can do nothing, just let her know you are definately there if she needs you, and as said, maybe get some others to let her know they are there too. If she is suffering mental abuse, she probably does feel if you and his other mates, made up, things would be better (yet something else she is blamed for), but it wouldn't, as she would quickly be responsible for some other problem in his life. I think the best thing to do is offer support, but stay at a bit of a distance.

As for those saying stay away, because it might look like there is more to it than just helping a friend, I can understand that, but there are plenty of men and women who are just friends, and like to look out for each other. Would we be giving different advice if he'd said she was being physically abused rather than mentally/emotionally? Just because the damage can't be seen as such, doesn't mean it's not just as serious.

It's a dilemma, and I hope it all works out in the end.

oadamo

iTrader: (1)

pmsl.............just give her one so she can see what shes missing.
then when he finds out just slap him and tell him hes a ****.
adam

zs_phil

iTrader: (1)

or she might realise that what she's got is better

GlesgaKiss

The infraction squad will be along shortly.

Keep out of it is my advice. She'll learn the hard way, just like we all have to.

jayb1970

I think if it was me I would stay out of it but keep an eye on the situation. If the abuse gets (god forbid) physical then I would step in and sort it out.

As someone else said you may end up losing two friends, although I guess the bloke won't be on your crimbo card list this year anyway.

mykp

as others have said, keep out of it.

Sounds to me like your mates and a-hole but will blame you if you stick your oar in, and she thinks its your problem. Keep sticking your nose in and its likely to end up squashed.

As long as she's happy and he's not battering her or the kid, forget about it.

cossie-nutter

iTrader: (45)

rr_ww Why did you and your mate fall out in the 1st place ? was there a fight or something ? Sorry to pry buddy!

cossie-nutter

iTrader: (45)

1 of my best friends is a female called Stacey and my wife is very cool with that and gets on really well with her, same with her fella who's a DJ and are getting married soon and he's a top bloke.

Just goes to show that statment is VERY true!

Lee247

You don't know what is going on behind closed doors. She may well be making his life a misery. You never know.

Keep out of it

tath

Prudence would say keep out of it. I intervened in a similar situation and it got extremely nasty, very quickly. Death threats, fights, knives, vandalised cars, false allegations spread through my work and friends about me by the abusive party, the abuse stepped up a level and everything basically went to hell in a handbasket.

Still, the guy was and still is a c**t and I'd do it again just to see his face when she finally left him

r32

I think its best to step back a little. What tends to happen is that both side together against you.

oadamo

iTrader: (1)

lol you mean what hes got is bigger
adam

davegtt

mrtheedge2u2

If you must say something, do it in passing and to the lad...... eg.. if you see him do something **** then comment "if I said/did that to my misses, she will dump me" or something like that

Other than that I would stay out of it......

Leslie

You have got all the good advice here. Never interfere between man and wife(girlfriend) they say and it is excellent advice.

It is their own business and you have to leave them to sort it out unless maybe you are asked for advice by one or both of them, and even then you are on dangerous ground.

Les

Klaatu

Seriously, sever all contact...like you need to extract yourself, bodily, from beneath a tractor.

rr_ww

Cossie-nutter

We were away in the South West at a holiday park together. He had "another" argument with his GF and basically stomped out. Somehow (genuinly have no idea how) myself and another friend got blamed for "winding him up" and he started to ignore us as well. We havent done anything to him save reciprocate his ignoring tactic. Hes basically a child!

However, this gave me the oppurtunity to re-evaluate what I actually thought of him. And I decided that no friend of mine should be able to treat his doting GF and 18 month old son the way he does. I dont give a rats ars3 if he calls me every name under the sun. Its her and the kid Im more concerned for. I'll always stand by my principles.


UPDATE - Escalated much faster than I thought!

Last night I had the GF "chatting" on Facebook to me. Only problem is that I knew she was at work at the time. So I tested "her" on what Id said to her and "she" didnt know. So it was clearly my former mate. Chat ended with "Get a life and dont txt or email me!" Clearly his idea of driving people away.

Undeterred, (and possibly a mistake) this morning I did txt her (whilst he's at work) to say I know that wasnt you I was talking to last night and that if you ever want a chat give me a shout. Hour later I got the reply saying "You're his friend so if you arent then Id rather not hear from you" Ive removed her from my Facebook so he cant read my profile anymore.

Its exactly what LisaWRX said above. Hes made her responsible for another of his problems. My only hope is that over time she'll realise that he isolating her from everyone who cares for her. If she tries to contact me in the future I wont turn her away of course, but I suspect thats the end of that.

yoza

You were texting the boyfriend on face book but he was making out he was the girlfriend....and you knew?


I would have said something along the lines of...

"It was good last night, hope it wasnt a one off...your fella doesnt know what he is missing."

"I will have to go, want to save my energy for our next session."

LU X

Bye.

That should have set off the fireworks.

cossie-nutter

iTrader: (45)

He sounds like a control freak! Your better off out of it buddy and hope 1 day she will see what's gone on and come to her senses.

cossie-nutter

iTrader: (45)

Thats the type of thing i would do! fpmsl

But by the sounds of it he would mash her up if he got that reply! sounds like a right asswipe!

rr_ww

Tempted. But thats exactly why I didnt. Didnt want to cause anymore crap for her.

Im really annoyed at this but I have to play the waiting game now and hope things improve for her.