While playing in a local Sunday league football game, I was given goalkeeper position after our goalie was sent off
Anywho, while shins were being kicked at the far end of the pitch, I was taking in the scenery.
From my right, a flock of partridge came into sight. They were flying low and fast and were on course to cross the pitch at about the half way line.
Running parallel to the right side of the pitch (from my view) was a series of high voltage power lines.
One of the partridge tw@tted one of the lines, spiralled down and clouted, and I mean 'smacked hard' into our central midfielder's right lug.
Seeing our 'midfield general' sprawled in agony, and suspecting that one of the opposition had smacked him, my team launched into a free for all.
Mayhem reigned for a few minutes.
Meanwhile the partridge was doing a dying fly close to the left touchline.

 

My neighbours (the asbo family which I've spoken b4) sister-in-law was visiting one day,she being fair of breast and rather taken to non-virtuous escapades caught my friends attention as we were looking under the bonnet of his car.
She threw her head back and proceeded to the front door giving a sideways glance and a seductive grin,with her head cocked at an angle....and walked straight into an hanging basket...sorted,she didn't look too smart at that point and we were pi55ing ourselves...prolly had to be there though...

 

 

Bloke who came to clear a load of bees from our garden.

Got dressed in full space suit gear + big helmet,confessed he hated bees.

Half way through his slow moonwalk to the bees,one found its way into his helmet.

It was like disco dancing on speed as he careered around the garden beating his head.Think I nearly coughed a lung up

 

This one always make me smile.

A number of years ago on a bingey night with the boys in our local, we were discussing about how much time is lost on drinking by having to keep going to the toilet. You know what it's like, you can normally hold out for 3 or 4 pints then after that, it feels like you go for a wee every 10 minutes or so.

Anyway, one of the boys disappeared and we all thought he had gone home. When someone came out of the loo laughing out loud, we all checked it out and he had taken a bar stool in there and was propped up against the urinal with **** in hand, saying he wasn't going to waste anymore time and that drinks should be served to him in there.

It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen at the time, but then, you probably did have to have been there (and consumed at least 12 pints too).

 

I saw a funny interview on the telly last night but i cant find it onthe web,

it was on channel m, the woman was interviewing an old dear who was 109,
every question the interviewer asked this old dear in a chair said
"will you go away", "will you leave me alone"
she just sat slumped in a big chair repeating the above,

the interview asked all the question you could imagine,

whiat do you put your long life down to , do you remeber the first world war, and all this old dear kept saying was will you go a way. we were histerical watching it

 

mates girlfriends old dog had died and as he'd been in the family years they gave him a proper burial in the garden,me and my mate dug the hole,old wolfie or whatever it was called was brought out,family around crying as they would,dog was laid in the hole,all was quiet when the dog let out trapped air and made a noise,to which my mate s**t himself,lost his footing and ended up in the hole on top of the dog,family screaming at him to get out but all i could do was laugh.relationship didnt last too long after that

 

I was at Thruxton once watching the BTCC racing. There's a grass bank right next to the start/finish straight, opposite to where the pits are.

A big bloke was climbing up the bank with a mahoosive cool box on his back, when he reached the top he stopped to look around, and then slowly toppled over backwards, going head over heels down the slope with the cool box exploding and jettisoning sandwiches, pies, fruit, beers etc all over the place.

I was crying with laughter, but felt really sorry for him.

 

In a comedy club (sorry but I frequent these places..) and the act was about half way through his act, anyway a girl gets up to go to the toilet with a bit of a limp... he starts to take the **** out of her royal. She comes back out of the toilet, still limping and again he starts to poke at her. She only has no left leg. He looked like a bit of a prat.

Anywho, that was not the funny bit... later on she was on the dance floor, leg decides to part company with the stump and goes flying off into the 200 odd people on the dance floor, she then starts hopping around, finds the leg and then hops off the dance floor with it under her arm.

I dont remember much more as I passed out from laughing so much.

(just so I dont get infracted to death she was a nice girl [we spoke] and I have nothing against people with one leg)

 

Oh oh, and the time me and my mate were in Costco and he says to the girl on the till... "so when is it due".... she just looked back and said nothing..

 

Are you Paul McCartney?

 

I followed a bloke and his son into a DIY store, and as we went to get trolleys the guy picked his son up and plonked him in the bottom of the trolley to give him a ride. He then steered it towards those gates where you walk through a turnstile but you push your trolley under a gate with some flaps hung down. The three bright orange flaps lifted as the trolley went under and then swung straight into the kids face, busting his nose as he burst into tears. My g/f had to drag me away as my laughter was aggravating the fathers concern and embarrassment

At our last but one Blyton trackday, StickyStuff had borrowed a trailer which wasn't suitable for loading a car, but had propped it up and made some ramps onto it with scaffold planks supported by wheels etc. It doesn't take much imagination to work out what went wrong, leaving his 205 GTi wedged at 45º, **** on the floor, nose 4' higher held on by 1" of the front bumper on the trailer

Another involving Sticky was on the night he got his driving license back he decided to go for a drive just after midnight, but his clock was a little wrong. He only got a few hundred yards from home before he was stopped by this lot....





Full story....HERE We laughed for weeks

 

Oulton Park, late eighties.

Chap in the toilets with an expensive looking SLR over his shoulder taking a leak. Camera strap slides from shoulder, camera falls forwards towards urinal - and he pees all over it.

 

Me, people carrier, not happy about getting ordered to take matress to brother house due to mother/wife orders, lashed matress to top using Duck tape, forgot about it and at 65 mph it acheived enough lift to send it 30 ft skyward, luckily it didnt kill anyone or annoy Manchester Air Traffic Contol, Have never lived it down though.

 

Old bloke riding his bike down the hill, us walking up. It was noticed that his shopping bags on the handle bars were swinging...

Tin can in bag found front spokes - The following superman act will never be repeated.

 

Brilliant

 

a chav getting foot squashed lol

YouTube - Kid gets foot caught in brick wall - 1funny*******.com

wiley

 

I was at a BTCC round at Oulton Park once, DHL were a big sponsor and had their various different trucks and vans going round the circuit. The 7.5 tonner only got as far as the bridge on the back straight where it got utterly wedged in! To make it worse, at the time their TV ads featured the lyrics 'ain't no mountain high enough...' which we substituted for 'ain't no bridge high enough' whilst they let the truck tyres down to get it back out!