Thursday morning joke
22 May 2008, 09:56 AM
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Thursday morning joke
A riddle for you:
2 men are on the opposite sides of the world but are thinking the exact same thing. One is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers and the other is being blown by an 85 year old granny. What are they thinking?
Don't look down, for Christ's sake don't look down.
2 men are on the opposite sides of the world but are thinking the exact same thing. One is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers and the other is being blown by an 85 year old granny. What are they thinking?
Don't look down, for Christ's sake don't look down.
22 May 2008, 10:04 AM
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A young couple are snogging. The young lad asks "Can I have a blow job please?"
"No way!" replies his girlfriend.
"Why not?" he asks
She tells him "You won't respect me afterwards."
Three years later they get engaged. After a celebratory meal at a posh restaurant they go back home and he asks "Can I have a blow job please love?"
"No." She replies "You won't respect me afterwards."
Another three years later they get married. Laid in bed together on their wedding night he asks again "Can I have a blow job please love?"
"No." she replies "You won't respect me afterwards."
Twenty five years later they are sat in bed together. He puts his book onto the bedside cabinet turns to his wife of 25 years and asks "Can I have a blow job please love?"
"No." She replies "You won't respect me afterwards."
He yells back at her. "Look! I've known you for over thirty years! We've been married twenty five years! We've got two kids, one grandson with another on the way. SURELY by now you must realise just how much respect I have for you!"
"Oh OK then." she say "I'll give you a blow job"
.. and she does.
Ten minutes after she is finished the phone rings. Husband turns to his wife and says "Well answer it then you ****ing **********."
"No way!" replies his girlfriend.
"Why not?" he asks
She tells him "You won't respect me afterwards."
Three years later they get engaged. After a celebratory meal at a posh restaurant they go back home and he asks "Can I have a blow job please love?"
"No." She replies "You won't respect me afterwards."
Another three years later they get married. Laid in bed together on their wedding night he asks again "Can I have a blow job please love?"
"No." she replies "You won't respect me afterwards."
Twenty five years later they are sat in bed together. He puts his book onto the bedside cabinet turns to his wife of 25 years and asks "Can I have a blow job please love?"
"No." She replies "You won't respect me afterwards."
He yells back at her. "Look! I've known you for over thirty years! We've been married twenty five years! We've got two kids, one grandson with another on the way. SURELY by now you must realise just how much respect I have for you!"
"Oh OK then." she say "I'll give you a blow job"
.. and she does.
Ten minutes after she is finished the phone rings. Husband turns to his wife and says "Well answer it then you ****ing **********."
22 May 2008, 10:11 AM
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Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a w*nk in the kitchen. She rushes over and gives him the best blow job of his life. Afterwards he asks the question - we haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this! Why? She replys - I just washed the kitchen floor this morning and I rather brush my teeth then have to clean the f**king floor again.
22 May 2008, 01:02 PM
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an elderly man strolls into his local newpaper office and says to the receptionist, my wife has died and i want to put an announcement in the paper, but i have only got £1. the receptionist explains to the man that for a pound he would only get three words, so the man thinks for a minute and decides that he wants to put "margaret is dead." feeling sorry for the man the receptionist says due to your recent bereavement i will give you three free words, the man thinks long and hard, and says ok, i wanna put: "margaret is dead, fiesta for sale"
22 May 2008, 01:02 PM
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A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them theystarted throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them theystarted throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
22 May 2008, 01:04 PM
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The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this story:
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have ******. Actually we carry many different models.'
The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?
The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'
She asks: ' Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuuuuuccccckkeerr offffff?'
__________________
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: 'Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: 'Yes we do have ******. Actually we carry many different models.'
The old woman then asks: 'Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk... aaand rrunns by bbaatteries?
The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'
She asks: ' Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuuuuuccccckkeerr offffff?'
__________________
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22 May 2008, 01:06 PM
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god appears to a man and says he'll have to quit **** drink and sex if he wants to go to heaven.. a week later god re-appears and asks him hows it going. he says the **** and drink were easy to give up but when my wife bent over to to take meat out of the freezer i couldn't resist, i had to give her one there and then.. god says they don't like that sort of thing in heaven, man replies they dont like it in tescos either..
22 May 2008, 01:07 PM
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THE IRISH DIESEL FITTER
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da
lastic onto the ladies' knickers and thongs.' The clerk looked up
Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled
labour, he gave him 40 pound a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in
and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel
fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 80 pound a week. When
Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find
out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The
clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da
lastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and
says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da
lastic onto the ladies' knickers and thongs.' The clerk looked up
Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled
labour, he gave him 40 pound a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in
and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel
fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 80 pound a week. When
Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find
out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The
clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da
lastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and
says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
22 May 2008, 01:17 PM
#10
THE IRISH DIESEL FITTER
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da
lastic onto the ladies' knickers and thongs.' The clerk looked up
Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled
labour, he gave him 40 pound a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in
and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel
fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 80 pound a week. When
Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find
out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The
clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da
lastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and
says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher. I sew da
lastic onto the ladies' knickers and thongs.' The clerk looked up
Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled
labour, he gave him 40 pound a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in
and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel
fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 80 pound a week. When
Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find
out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The
clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da
lastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and
says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
Like it .in fact heard most of them, but still made me chuckle
22 May 2008, 01:45 PM
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Woman buys a vibrator and promptly returns it to the store, complaining that it will not switch on!
This is a magic, voice activated *****, exclaims the shop assistant, you simply say, "magic *****, my *****" and hey presto it'll fly directly to your bits and get to work giving you a right good rogering.
The woman, feeling a bit horny, decides to try it on the drive home! Sure enough after she issues the command it goes to work and promptly brings her to several climaxes. Problem is, she doesn't know the command for it to stop! So, she's swerving all over the road in the throws of bliss, which attracts the attention of a local police man who pulls her over.
Desperately trying to gain sufficient composure to talk, she explains to the officer what the problem is. The officer is completely unimpressed!
"Yeah, right" he says writing her a ticket.
"Magic *****, my ****!!"
This is a magic, voice activated *****, exclaims the shop assistant, you simply say, "magic *****, my *****" and hey presto it'll fly directly to your bits and get to work giving you a right good rogering.
The woman, feeling a bit horny, decides to try it on the drive home! Sure enough after she issues the command it goes to work and promptly brings her to several climaxes. Problem is, she doesn't know the command for it to stop! So, she's swerving all over the road in the throws of bliss, which attracts the attention of a local police man who pulls her over.
Desperately trying to gain sufficient composure to talk, she explains to the officer what the problem is. The officer is completely unimpressed!
"Yeah, right" he says writing her a ticket.
"Magic *****, my ****!!"
22 May 2008, 02:54 PM
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Two Jews walking down the street, when a group of skinheads approach them.
One Jew says to the other "Avi, do you think we're going to be mugged?"
The other say "It looks like it Ishmeal, by the way, here's the £50 I owe you"
One Jew says to the other "Avi, do you think we're going to be mugged?"
The other say "It looks like it Ishmeal, by the way, here's the £50 I owe you"
22 May 2008, 03:32 PM
#13
A man is walking past a house and see's an very old man in a rocking chair looking very happy and content....
Wanting to know why the man is so happy he walks up to him and says " you look very happy, can you tell me the secret to your happiness"
"I smoke 40 cigs a day, eat nothing but junk food and drink a bottle of vodka a day" the old man retorts
"That is amazing... how old are you?" the young man asks
"27" is the reply.
Wanting to know why the man is so happy he walks up to him and says " you look very happy, can you tell me the secret to your happiness"
"I smoke 40 cigs a day, eat nothing but junk food and drink a bottle of vodka a day" the old man retorts
"That is amazing... how old are you?" the young man asks
"27" is the reply.
22 May 2008, 03:49 PM
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Amy Winehouse meets Jeremy Clarkson at the BBC.....
She says, "What do you do?"
Jeremy says "I do Top Gear"
Amy says "Fvckin' brilliant I'll have 3 grams!"
She says, "What do you do?"
Jeremy says "I do Top Gear"
Amy says "Fvckin' brilliant I'll have 3 grams!"
22 May 2008, 03:59 PM
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2 Ducks are honeymooning in a hotel, they're about to make love and the drake says, "We don't have any condoms, I'll call room service."
"Hello room service, can you send up some condoms please?"
"Certainly sir, shall I put them on your bill?"
"No you daft c*nt, I'll fvcking suffocate!!"
"Hello room service, can you send up some condoms please?"
"Certainly sir, shall I put them on your bill?"
"No you daft c*nt, I'll fvcking suffocate!!"
22 May 2008, 05:57 PM
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Thursday evening joke for you...
A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pigmy standing over a dead lion.
'Did you kill that lion?' asks the Zulu.
'Yeah, I beat it to death with my club,' the pigmy replies.
'****, you must have a big club,' says the Zulu.
'Aye, there's about thirty of us.'
A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pigmy standing over a dead lion.
'Did you kill that lion?' asks the Zulu.
'Yeah, I beat it to death with my club,' the pigmy replies.
'****, you must have a big club,' says the Zulu.
'Aye, there's about thirty of us.'
23 May 2008, 11:02 PM
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A little bit tasteless, although the family guy fans may appreciate it
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
You don't cry when you cut up a hooker.
-----------
What's the difference between a yellow lamborghini and a dead hooker with c*m in her eyes, mouth, ****, and ears?
I don't have a yellow lamborghini in my garage.
Apologies!
Brian
What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
You don't cry when you cut up a hooker.
-----------
What's the difference between a yellow lamborghini and a dead hooker with c*m in her eyes, mouth, ****, and ears?
I don't have a yellow lamborghini in my garage.
Apologies!
Brian
Last edited by dome; 23 May 2008 at 11:10 PM.
23 May 2008, 11:13 PM
#21
German Brothel Joke
As seen on a German football site today...
A German, a Turk and a Cloggie are in a brothel. What are they doing there?
The German is having a good time. The Turk is doing the cleaning and the Dutch guy is there to pick up his wife.
As seen on a German football site today...
A German, a Turk and a Cloggie are in a brothel. What are they doing there?
The German is having a good time. The Turk is doing the cleaning and the Dutch guy is there to pick up his wife.
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