FAO Joan
23 January 2002, 10:17 AM
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Dear Ladies,
For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins.
No more! The man fights back!!
Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of 2002.
Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is.....
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your **** down to a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments! when we dare to comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Saturday =3D Football. Let it be.
7. Shopping is not a sport.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.
9. Ask for what you u want directly. Subtle hints don't work.
10 .Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.
18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate! ; you eat!!
19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
21. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under! the category 'garnish'.
29. Do not question our sense of direction.
30. If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect.
The ball is in your court.
Signed: Man of 2002
For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins.
No more! The man fights back!!
Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of 2002.
Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is.....
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your **** down to a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments! when we dare to comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Saturday =3D Football. Let it be.
7. Shopping is not a sport.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.
9. Ask for what you u want directly. Subtle hints don't work.
10 .Face it, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.
18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate! ; you eat!!
19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
21. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
24. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
25. If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
27. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under! the category 'garnish'.
29. Do not question our sense of direction.
30. If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect.
The ball is in your court.
Signed: Man of 2002
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23 January 2002, 04:47 PM
#9
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Lincolnshire
Posts: 15,623
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A COMPUTER GEEK'S VIEW OF MARRIAGE
Dear Frank,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please?!!
Joe
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea tha Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to girlfriend 7.0 . Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 of Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case, avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the OPERATING SYSTEM will return to normal.
The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame fpr all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but VERY high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 . I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the OPERATING SYSTEM.
Best of luck,
Frank
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I KNOW ALL ABOUT WOMEN...DAD EXPLAINED IT TO ME.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
A married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after, well, that's the beginning of a new argument.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
BASIC MATHS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dear Frank,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please?!!
Joe
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea tha Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to girlfriend 7.0 . Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 of Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case, avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the OPERATING SYSTEM will return to normal.
The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame fpr all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but VERY high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 . I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the OPERATING SYSTEM.
Best of luck,
Frank
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I KNOW ALL ABOUT WOMEN...DAD EXPLAINED IT TO ME.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
A married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after, well, that's the beginning of a new argument.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
BASIC MATHS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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